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Lemernis
Senior Scribe
378 Posts |
 Posted - 25 Jan 2007 : 12:23:30
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Heyas,
Hope you guys can give me a hand with something creative and humorous. I need tongue-in-cheek questions submitted from the vantage of any type of character in the Forgotten Realms you'd care to conceive (commoner, merchant, nobility, adventurer, you name it) seeking advice for a problem "Dear Abby" style. It could even be from a major NPC in the Realms but, as always, it would be signed incognito.
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Kiaransalyn
Senior Scribe
United Kingdom
762 Posts |
Posted - 25 Jan 2007 : 12:44:32
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Dear Abby,
I think my deity may be cheating on me. Once he even changed his name and claimed he was his own son. Then there was the time a new deity took over his portfolio and he stopped answering my prayers. I'm sick of being treated like a simple worshipper and the apparently contradictory signals he sends out. One day he just disappears the next he says I'm his Chosen. I just want him to treat me better and to get through the day committing simple acts of tyrany, is that too much to ask?
yours,
Frustrated of Zhentil Keep |
Death is Life
Love is Hate
Revenge is Forgiveness
Ken: You from the States?
Jimmy: Yeah. But don't hold it against me.
Ken: I'll try not to... Just try not to say anything too loud or crass. |
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Lemernis
Senior Scribe
378 Posts |
Posted - 25 Jan 2007 : 13:14:45
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Lol! Beautiful!
Btw, this material will be for a monthly column in a newsletter. I'm thinking of titling it "Dear Abazigal." (The blue dragon Bhaalspawn from the BG2 game. Yeah, I know it's corny.) I guess I'll run with that. So the letters can be headed "Dear Abazigal." :) |
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Kiaransalyn
Senior Scribe
United Kingdom
762 Posts |
Posted - 25 Jan 2007 : 14:05:43
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Dear Abazigal,
My mother never loved me and my sisters were very cruel to me. I hated the city where I grew up and when I went to school it was full of snobs who were all trying to be the best. And then I developed strange feelings for my father. No, not those sort of feelings! Just the sense that he was different to all the others, more like me. Sadly, just as we were beginning to talk, he died. I think my mother killed him but I'm not sure because she died soon afterwards as well.
After that, I left home and befriended a short miner. Unfortunately, I had to leave him because his city got invaded. Then I met another short miner but this one had a beard and drank more. I don't what it is about short miners but the feelings I have them are entirely platonic, I can assure you because I fell in love with his daughter but she married my best friend, once she was old enough.
Unfortunately, he died. Which meant my feelings for his wife, my short miner friend's daughter, began stirring again. We didn't want to disrespect his memory so we took time for her to finish grieving and for both of us to feel comfortable discussing our mutual affection. We took a sea voyage, it was wonderful. We talked, gazed at the stars, I even held her hand once.
And then my friend came back from the dead.
After years and years spent polishing my own scimitar I finally thought I'd get to have an intimate moment that didn't involve an inbred maniac who'd make unfair comparisons between me and a glaebrezu. And my friend came back from the dead. I mean, talk about timing. You'd think if a fellow was dead he'd remain dead but Oh No. This me and this is just my luck. First, I wait for her to grow up then she goes and marries Him! Then he dies and we finally start getting close and he comes back into our lives.
Don't get me wrong, he's my friend. I respect him, admire him and even when he had his drinking problem and he finally divorced her I stood by him. And this is my problem. She's now single. I want us to be together but I can't help thinking that something else will prevent that happening.
I've tried self-healing therapy, in which I've written whole tomes trying to understand myself and to come to terms with my childhood traumas but I'm confused and frustrated. Am I afraid of committment?
yours,
Lonely of Ten Towns
Note: This'll be my last, I have no wish to hog the thread. |
Death is Life
Love is Hate
Revenge is Forgiveness
Ken: You from the States?
Jimmy: Yeah. But don't hold it against me.
Ken: I'll try not to... Just try not to say anything too loud or crass. |
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Lemernis
Senior Scribe
378 Posts |
Posted - 25 Jan 2007 : 14:31:05
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| They're OMG funny though! Please, if you do feel further inspired, keep writing them up at least, and toss 'em in later in the thread. :D |
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David E
Seeker
USA
55 Posts |
Posted - 26 Jan 2007 : 08:33:32
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Those are very funny - it would be a shame to stop now!  |
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Wandering_mage
Senior Scribe
688 Posts |
Posted - 26 Jan 2007 : 20:47:35
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Dear Abazigal,
I have belonged to a cabal of mages for some time now. We basically plot assassinations and power moves in Sembia, but lately a lot of my peers are turning to the Shadow Weave to power their spells. Now they claim that my magic is inferior to theirs. What should I do?
Confused in Sembia  |
Illum
The Wandering Mage |
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Erik Scott de Bie
Forgotten Realms Author
USA
4598 Posts |
Posted - 26 Jan 2007 : 21:39:36
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Dear Abizgail,
I'm so misunderstood.
I mean, when I was young -- however many ages ago that was -- the world was a simpler place. Handsome heroes, swooning maidens, and powerful dragons/wizards/beholders in between the two. You picked one side, and that's what you were. Now, it seemed to ME that the winning side was the one with power (and beholders -- oh, I LOVE beholders), so the path of power-mad wizard was just a case in point, a foregone conclusion.
And now, in my later years, I just can't catch a break.
Everyone just assumes that I'm always wanting to blow up/take over/rule with an iron fist/take vengeance upon the Dalelands/the North/the Harpers/the Moonsea/Faerun in general, so that absolutely every time I go out -- even if it's just to walk Scruffy (that's my pet displacer beast) -- I get the "oh-my-gods-what-insidious-evil-scheme-is-he-up-to-now" stare. I mean -- what is THAT?
And then, whenever I go to get an ice cream, people are always groveling in my path (I can't STAND groveling*) or cowering in my wake, and I can just hear them saying, "Ooh! Don't cross him! He's an evil wizard, and not just that, he's *THE* evil wizard!"
*It's a common misconception that your typical high level zhentarim leader, like any good Bane/Cyric/Zvim/Bane-again worshipper, has got the drive-to-dom, but not me. I'm not particularly that religious -- I mean, who can keep up? -- and the whole dominator thing has never done it for me (though this one Loviatan . . . well, that's a long story).
I do have this wee little tendency to rage about getting my way (NOW! DO IT NOW! [BOOM!]), but that's where it stops. (Well, and my little problem with my temper, occasionally -- but I keep the so-called "reset button," just in case of emergencies.)
I mean, can't I be a world-shattering, power-hungry, mad-mad-mad wizard who wears black leather and spikes without being called a lash-lackey? Honestly.
Excuse me. I got so worked up I have to go blast something. Be right back.
[wails of agony/pleas for mercy/friends theme]
Now then.
Even those, the accusing stares and the frightened thoughts, weren't so bad. I'm ok with people being scared of me -- that's cool.
But *now* -- now that I've suffered a few minor setbacks, like getting killed a dozen times in the past few years (there was this one little barmaid tramp with this thing called . . . you know? I'm not going into it. You'd probably only laugh at me), that now I'm all of a sudden not even the scariest wizard ever.
"Oh him? Oh, he's so last-edition -- wizards like him are a dime a dozen."
"Now Szass Tam -- gods, he is MUCH scarier these days." (Note to self = blast that Lich!)
"Yeah, and besides -- I heard he's Fzoul's b****." (Note to self = blast that Chosen of Bane!) "Fzoul, who's all of a sudden more powerful anyway."
"Nah, nah -- have you read about Lord Shadow? He'd totally torch your hindquarters and eat them for breakfast."
"Icky!"
And so on.
And now I can't even get a decent streetwalker, because she'll inevitably ask "Wow -- you're great. Who are you?" And when I tell her, she'll inevitably ask, "Oh -- which one?"
Sigh.
I just don't know what to do. I'm having serious identity issues. I feel like there are three of me somedays -- or more. I don't know, and no one will ever officially tell. I'm at the end of my rope.
Write back.
Now. Do it NOW!
(Oh. Sorry.)
Mage in the Creepy Mask
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Erik Scott de Bie
'Tis easier to destroy than to create.
Author of a number of Realms novels (GHOSTWALKER, DEPTHS OF MADNESS, and the SHADOWBANE series), contributor to the NEVERWINTER CAMPAIGN GUIDE and SHADOWFELL: GLOOMWROUGHT AND BEYOND, Twitch DM of the Dungeon Scrawlers, currently playing "The Westgate Irregulars" |
Edited by - Erik Scott de Bie on 26 Jan 2007 21:41:23 |
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Lemernis
Senior Scribe
378 Posts |
Posted - 02 Feb 2007 : 12:40:38
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Thanks for the great submissions, it should be a gas for whoever ends up answering them. Overall, at half a dozen sites, I collected 40 submissions in a mere week. :)
If I understand correctly, the book Baldur's Gate II: Throne of Bhaal by Drew Karpyshyn has been recognized as canon by WotC. If anyone has this book, I'd very much appreciate it if they could tell me if the book reveals anything significant about Abazigal's personality. Or is he just more or less what you might expect for your garden variety Lawful Evil blue dragon fathered by the Lord of Murder who was plotting to ascend to godhood? ;) Well, at least until those hopes were dashed by Abdel Adrian (hence the choice of new career path as advice columnist after being rez'ed?). ;P) tnx!
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humor - Forgotten Realms "Dear Abby" letters
