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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
 Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 16:22:04
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(Author's note: if you take this serious, I feel very sorry for you  )
Silver Marches.
According to rumors renowned hero Drizzt Do'Urden recently retired from his adventuring life. Do'Urden recently opened the Twirling Blades, a gourmet inn on the outskirts of Silverymoon. The restaurant's special treat, both culinary and visually, is chef Do'Urden twirling his scimitars to slice and dice salad, meat, and the occasional orcish party-pooper.
In related news, an unknown band of marauding halflings invaded the royal foodstores in Suzail. Aside from several sacks of flour, they took two scores of smoked pork, and at least twice that amount of beer hostage. The leading negotiotator of Regent Alusair resigned shortly after dusk, when the remains of cake were unceremoniously dumped out at innocent bystanders.
[Editor's note: do not be alarmed, the current type-setter-scribe is being thrown ooooouuuuuuuuuut *thunk*]
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Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
Edited by - Mace Hammerhand on 30 Nov 2006 18:18:30
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Zimme
Learned Scribe
Denmark
209 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 16:57:32
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| lol you sure have some funny posts sometimes Mace, maybe is that cristmas-spirit sneaking in? he he. |
Sometimes I feel like Beshaba is sitting on my back, devoting her entire attention to me!
Rannek.
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 16:57:37
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This just in:
Larloch, renowned owner of the Warlock's Crypt estates, has opened a home for the elderly undead. He is currently looking for staff to help with the physical needs of those undead that still have any... |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Kalin Agrivar
Senior Scribe
Canada
956 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 16:59:30
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I heard about Drizzt's new eatery but as he often sings sad ballads as he prepares the dishes it is not going as well as planned...
I heard that Wulfgar is planning to get some of his old saucy bar-wench friends to serve the food in very low cut corsets  |
Kalin Xorell El'Agrivar
- High Mage of the Arcane Assembly
- Lore Keeper of the Vault of Ancestors
- 3rd Son of the Lord of the Stand |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 17:02:05
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Waterdeep:
A hitherto unnamed gnome inventor developed a device to instantly heat meals: the Kook Hot Even Liver Before Eveningmeal Nears, in culinary circles known as KHELBEN. The "Blackstaff" so far has no comment to share with us.
[Editor's note: apparently our scribes missed a typo here, we apologize] |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
Edited by - Mace Hammerhand on 30 Nov 2006 18:17:11 |
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Rinonalyrna Fathomlin
Great Reader
USA
7106 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 17:48:38
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This is just too hilarious. |
"Instead of asking why we sleep, it might make sense to ask why we wake. Perchance we live to dream. From that perspective, the sea of troubles we navigate in the workaday world might be the price we pay for admission to another night in the world of dreams."
--Richard Greene (letter to Time) |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 18:09:27
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This just in:
The first batch of KHELBENs is faulty and should be returned immediately, paid money will be refunded either in full or with a new, safer KHELBEN.
The "Blackstaff" said: "I am NOT faulty!"
The manufacturer of the gnomish heating device urges all costumers to not use the KHELBEN to fry fish! |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 18:12:47
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And in related news:
Fire in Dock Ward. At dinner time several fires broke out simultaneously in Waterdeep's Dock Ward. Our sources confirm that the incidents are not the work of krazed Kossuth worshipers, and the Artisan's Guild is also not responsible for the tragedy.
What is confirmed, however, is that the fires have their roots in various cheap eateries that primarily serve fish. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 18:16:04
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Urgent warning:
Khelben's...excuse me, KHELBEN's manufacturer urges every customer to NOT fry fish in the device and return it to the nearest of Aurora outlets as quickly as possible.
Apparently, according to the gnomish owners, the wiring (whatever that means?) is flawed and has to be redone, this time not using cheap copper wire from Kara-Tur.
The "Blackstaff": "I am manufactured by no one!" |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Alediran
Acolyte
Argentina
36 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 18:18:52
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| That's a hugue lol. |
Alediran of House Tir'ent from Evermeet, the most knowledgeable elven family about Faerūn.
- Member of the Elven Netbook proyect |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 18:50:30
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Thayan embassies all over the Realms:
Souvenir shops have opened in every Thayan enclave. These carry, amongst other things, a particularly peculiar kind of needle-work. It is said that Zzass Tam himself is responsible for this, as he puts it, "especially special Thayan specialty". The knit-work is, to quote a now deceased seamstress from Shadowdale, "so damned horrible ye wouldn't even wipe yer butt with it."
Specialists from various faiths secretly suspect Tam has turned to worship Cyric and is now trying to drive the world mad with knit-work.
Rumors have it that Tam learned knitting from Eltab, the demon, however, denies any such connection! |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 19:11:21
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*Sitting beside Mace at the news Desk*
"In other news, In the wind swept moutain peaks of The Ordraun Mountains, most think nothing could live up here, not even disease.
All that is now proven wrong as hundreds of Aarockra and giant eagles seem afflicted with a strange disease. No one is sure how this "bird flu" was first found its way into the birds or how it is spread, but it is spreading like wildfire through the feathered commmunities high above the cities of man. If you or anyone you know contacts eagles or griffons or even aarockra on a regular basis, please have them seek clerical attention at the closest temple.
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Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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Edited by - LucianBarasu on 30 Nov 2006 19:30:25 |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 19:20:46
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Thank you, Lucian.
Moonshae: According to rumors High Queen Alicia has been working on a secret druid army.
An eyewitness swears he saw the woods come to his little hamlet, but specialists say he has been eating too many mushrooms lately.
Sports and weather, next... |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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sparhawk42
Learned Scribe
104 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 19:33:48
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| Its a wet, cold, and dreary day outside my home at the moment but this thread put a big, big smile on my face. Thanks! |
You never fail until you stop trying. |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 19:34:14
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The moonshaes were hit hard today as dozens of fishermen hauled in nets with huge holes cut in them. The once fertile waters surrounding the Moonshaes now seemed to fight back against the growing hunger from the populace on land.
One fisherman was quoted in saying he spotted a large creature off the shore circling the boats. No one knows who or what is doing this atrocious crime. Is it angry kelpie, Is it mischevious kids playing a prank. No one knows for sure but if something isn't done, many may go without dinner from the sea.
The Kraken society had no comment at this time...
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Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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Edited by - LucianBarasu on 30 Nov 2006 19:37:59 |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 20:03:06
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| That reminds me, the Twirling Blades now offer seafood... somehow Drizzt Do'Urden gained the recipe to a strange Kara-Tur delicacy called sushi. A visiting diplomat from the far east commented on his cutting technique as being drownright...excuse me...downright smashing (in a positive way!), but the frozen pieces of fish have to go. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 20:07:41
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This just in: apparently the renowned sage of Shadowdale, Elminster, ordered a large amount of knitwork from the closest Thayan enclave. Elminster says, he "appreciates at least one thing coming out of Thay, at least the stuff is better than chapbooks out of Zhentil Keep."
Also, farmers from Sembia have ordered vast quantities of said knittings, claiming it keeps the rodents away from their grainstores.
Elminster: "Let's pray Tam does not start scuplting, at least his knitwork is good for something."
Can this be a new source of income for Thay? Our analysts are at it bringing you the latest, sooner than you think. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
Edited by - Mace Hammerhand on 30 Nov 2006 20:09:39 |
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dwarvenranger
Senior Scribe
USA
428 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 20:12:33
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| Nice, better watch out though, you might end up filling Volo's shoes. |
If I waited till I knew what I was doing, I'd never get anything done.
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 20:16:58
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Hahaha, Drizzt knows a couple of Frost giants that wouldn't mind those frozen goodies. *smiles*
In sports, The first Annual Dwarven Spelling bee is opening next moon phase, And the competition seems to be heating up. The event is to be held In Waterdeep's Trade Ward. Dwarves from all over will be competing for the gold bee provided by Mirt the Moneylender and the Lords of Waterdeep.
Competition is stiff, but two dwarves shine the brightest, Pikel Bouldershoulder, A druid of Spirit Soaring in the Snowflake Mountains, and Thibbledorf Pwent, a Battlerager of Mithril Hall.
When asked why Dwarves only spelling bee, Mirt Replied:
"Well no reason really, but we knew one thing... it'd be a hoot!"
We will bring you up to the minute scores from the competition as they become available.
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Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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Edited by - LucianBarasu on 30 Nov 2006 20:21:06 |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 20:25:40
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Girdles of Giant strength and your children.....Safe to use or an accident waiting to happen?
we'll tell you after this... |
Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 20:45:40
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Girdles of Giant strength, for countless years people wanted to gain more physical strength without the extra training such strength involves, and finally artificers around the Realms have carved in to the popular demand.
Before this recent boom in magical gimmicks only the lucky few souls who retrieved such items from dusty tombs wore such things, but in light of the recent influx of Thayan magic items, girdles of Giant strength have become quite popular. So popular, in fact, that the transporter's Guild of Waterdeep has demanded a general ban of these things, stating, correctly as many believe, that the increased carrying capacity of a single man could cost many carriers their jobs.
But the important job danger of such belts aside, there is another, a hidden danger to them. A recent severe bruising of one of Waterdeep's finest nurse maids is such a case. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
Edited by - Mace Hammerhand on 30 Nov 2006 21:57:07 |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 21:04:28
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That's right Mace.
Seventeen documented monthers around the Dock and Trade ward have been brought to temples around Waterdeep for healing. Seems their children like to play "dress up" in their father's clothes..Girdles included. Injuries have resulting including bruising, swollen hips and torn skirts from children pulling on them to get their mother's attention. Public nudity is still a crime in the wealthier parts of Waterdeep.
A Waterhavian watch commander was quoted in saying this:
"It's unheard of, children always played catch with each other, but not with live horses! We had to call for a cleric when three kids playing tag with another boy with a girdle were knocked through a wooden warehouse. It's just not right!"
ONe thing is for sure, with Waterdeep laying trade embargos on Thayan magic girdles, We might be able to save the populace from arm-wrestling each other and sending us all into undermountain.
We'll keep you informed with further reports as they come in... |
Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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Edited by - LucianBarasu on 30 Nov 2006 21:06:34 |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 21:13:31
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Zhentil Keep:
In a suprising move Fzoul Chembryl halted all regular production of chapbooks. He gave the strict order that every new chapbook has to be knitted. This cunning move not only helped decrease the unemployment rate of seamstresses in the city, but also counter the "Thayan knitwork souvenir threat", as Chembryl calls it.
Now people can read them when needed and use them afterwards.
Now, that's what I call progressive! |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 21:21:08
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The occupied Unther:
Mulhorandi troops chased a trio of female bards known as the Animals out of the country after seeing them perform in their trademark costumes, which incidentally represent the animals ibiz, jackal, and owl... |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 21:43:59
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And now a news update on the Avian Bird Disease afflicting hundreds of birds across the Coast...
Throughout the High Forest, shrines and glens dedicated to The green man and Mellikki have ben reporting that Baba Yaga has appeared looking for cures and healing for her hut. The hut has obvious attributes of a bird and was last seen skipping through the woods bouncing off trees, like a...well...like a chicken with no head...or a chicken hut with no head...
More as this develops... |
Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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Edited by - LucianBarasu on 30 Nov 2006 21:44:34 |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 21:50:24
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| Disclaimer: The Simbul, esteemed ruler of Aglarond, who has been rather peckish lately, is NOT affected by the bird's flu! |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
Edited by - Mace Hammerhand on 30 Nov 2006 21:51:50 |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 22:01:49
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(sorry, this just hit me funny. Ever watch the intro on your local news, as the camera zooms in to a guy in a suit sittng on the edge of a desk and does that fake "business smile?"
I just imagined the intro for ours...A hulking dwarf in fineries, his legs dangling off the end of a des, ale in one hand and a thumbs up as his name " MACE HAMMERHAND" slides across the screen, then over to Lucian, who is talking tosomeone about something with a stack of parchments in hand, who turns his head mid sentence and smiles as his name scroll in, then over to our kobold weatherman, then "Wacky Del" our half elf sports writer, and finally Purgg, or one eyed mongrelamn scribe/cameraman... sorry, I thought i'd share that with the class.) |
Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 22:29:46
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I still don't understand what is funny about a spelling-bee contest for dwarves, but I don't make the news, I just say it...
Pikel Bouldershoulder is, amazingly enough, still in the race (if it can be called that). Curiously enough the judges had to rescind their decision to disqualify him in the very first round when he had to spell the simple word druid. Encouraging shouts, after a moment of stunned silence, helped Pikel to make it to round two, and while he is leading with...ahem...negative points, he has won the heart of everyone in the audience. Plus what with the recent sahuagin invasion and all Waterdhavians didn't have much to laugh for the past couple of months.
While thousands of people gathered to distract themselves watching dwarven ... ahem...geniuses at work, the Waterdeep watch had their hands full fighting the KHELBEN induced fire in Dock Ward.
The "Blackstaff": "I don't start simple fires like that, had I *induced* that fire it would have been worse"
This statement he gave befor the wind started to blow from a southerly direction, making it even harder for the Watch to control the flames. One of the watchmen, Bhandaer Horand, commented: "I wish he had them KHELBENs before the sahuagin invaded!" |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 30 Nov 2006 : 23:14:00
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So very true, Mace.
I got to hand it to Pikel, he's hanging in there. I am rooting for Pwent though, he's gonna sweep them all unless they make him spell Surrender. I am not quite sure that battlerager knows what that word is.
Speaking of Flames, FRCK news field reporter caught up with a sect of worshippers of Kossuth outside of Waterdeep's famous Singing Sword Tavern, who were questioned in the possible relation to their religion and god and the current chaos caused by the gnomish creation, KHELBEN. They had this to say:
"Nu-UH!"
more after this.... |
Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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Edited by - LucianBarasu on 30 Nov 2006 23:23:51 |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 00:39:06
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In darker news,....
The City of the Dead, outside the walls of Waterdeep, City of splendors is having a hard time keepinng the dead dead. Stories of ghosts and spirits roaming the cemetary are commonplace in pubs and around campfires, but recently a rash of the undead bodies have begun to stand up and walk. Tombstones and crypts doors are being destroyed as gravediggers and groundskeepers are baffled.
"Every morn' I got ta pick up the dead and put em back in the the ground!" Says Thomas Moorwalk local gravedigger.
Many relatives of the recently dead have bones to pick with the groundskeepers.
More as this story progresses.. |
Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 10:56:26
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Waterdeep:
Recently rumors have been spreading about a new slaver ring acting within the city limits. We sent one of our best skalds to investigate, and what he came up with is stunning, embarrassing and ... well, judge for yourselves.
Miss Demeanor's, one of the most fashionable festhalls in Trade Ward, seems to be at the heart of the slavery operations, and for days wealthy merchants have been seen entering the festhall, staying there for a couple of hours, and then leaving in the shadow of night. So far none of the merchants have agreed to an interview, but as several eye-witnesses reported, the merchants "come out of that place exhausted, and far calmer than they were during the day."
Also, accusations have been made about excessive use of force inside the festhall. Neighbors have complained about the sounds of whips, human screams, and the repugnant smell of burnt flesh. Miss Demeanor's manager, alleged Loviatar worshiper Garenar Lunja, refuses any interview, clinging to her right for privacy.
We will continue to update this story as news trickles in. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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BREAKING news, the news that breaks even mithral!
