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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
 Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 12:17:03
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Suzail:
The Halfling Marauders, as they have come to be known, added insult to injury when they poured out honey on a squad of Purple Dragons trying to charge the storage rooms, then, telling the soldiers to "lighten up", they tossed out flour as well.
In addition to that, the halflings demanded more "food for thought". Sages throught Cormyr are still trying to figure out what this demand means. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 13:19:56
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Selgaunt:
The representative of the Dwarven Stoutheart Brewery and Destillery, Nugget Stoutheart, rejects all accusations regarding Stoutheart's Finest: The Brew that makes all your hair grow.
"Sembian women should read the labels, it says right here that our Finest makes every hair grow. If they drink the stuff anyway, because it is fashionable, and grow beards and expansive chest hair, that is not our concern!" |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 14:14:44
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Alleged snake-charmer lied!
The giant snake Laspeel Newinter of Athkatla claimed to summon and have him dance to popular folk tunes from the North has been unmasked! The snake is actually a member of that elusive race commonly known as Yuan-Ti and it split the winnings with Laspeel. The odd pair have been conning people up and down the Sword Coast. (no wonder that snake was so sluggish in winter!) |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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WalkerNinja
Senior Scribe
USA
577 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 15:36:02
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Potion Recall
A representative of the Thayan National Bureau of Quality Control revealed in a press statement today that several batches of potions (sold at your neighborhood Thayan Enclave) were sealed in defective potion flasks. The defective stoppers are very difficult to remove from the potion flasks causing a delay of several seconds. This delay may be hazardous to the large population of adventurers that now rely exclusively on Thayan Manufactured potions. A general recall of potions sold between Marpenoth 18 and Alturiak 4 have been issued. Refunds will be available in the form of Enclave Credit which is fully transferrable between Enclaves.
In other news, many Thayan Enclaves in the Western Heartlands are under investigation for perpetuating an unsafe work environment. It is alleged that some employees of those enclaves are worked "to death" or other are otherwise at elevated risk during the manufacture and testing of certain experimental items. When asked to comment, one Red Wizard Representative stated, "We're the Red Wizards of freakin' Thay! What do you expect!" The Thayan bureau of Public Relations has disavowed that statement and issued an official position.
We think that items of Thayan manufacture are superior to those of anyother brand, and we continue to be on the cutting edge of magical evolution. That said, we value our employees highly and have very competitive health care programs and pension plans. The safety of our employees is second only to the satisfaction of our loyal and esteemed customers.
Now for your local weather, here's Mace Hammerhand! |
*** A Forgotten Realms Addict since 1990 ***
Treasures of the Past, a Second Edition Play-by-Post game for and by Candlekeep Sages--http://www.rpol.net/game.cgi?gi=52011 |
Edited by - WalkerNinja on 01 Dec 2006 15:38:05 |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 15:45:26
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Weather:
It rains, snows, is hot and occasionally humid, depending on where you are.
Curiously enough, weather seems to be ignoring Thay at the moment. We're still waiting on an official response. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 15:53:07
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This just in:
Producers of KHELBEN, not to be confused with Khelben "Blackstaff" Arunsun, have announced a new utility product to be released this month. Inside sources claim it is a vicious cutting machine, not unlike the proprietor of the Twirling Blades, Silverymoon.
Copyright experts still wait on a reply from House Do'Urden of Menzoberranzan to allow them to use the name Drizzt for the item.
Now, some may think Drizzt is a quite inappropriate name for a household item, but we are told that the rotating blades helping to cut vegetables and such make a sound that can only be described as "DrrriizzzzT" the "T" being the end of the blades' way down and around.
Production on the Drizzt has been postponed for considerable time now, but in light of no response forthcoming from Menzoberranzan, the ingenious gnomes have decided to take matters into their own oil stained hands and push forward their production schedule. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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WalkerNinja
Senior Scribe
USA
577 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 15:55:51
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This just in!
The demi-Zulkir of the Thayan weather bureau has just issued this statement:
In Thay we are not slaves to the will of sporadic weather occurences. Instead, it is our slave! When we wish it to rain, it rains! When we wish for sunshine, it shines. We are the masters, as you all will soon discover. Mwah ha ha! Mwah ha ha!
Please note that the demi-Zulkir of the Thayan weather bureau is a hard liner that subscribes to more radical Thayan values than those currently espoused by the present administration. The present administration would also like to point out that they only wish to enslave your coin pouches. A willing slavery, if you will, and one that you will no doubt enjoy. Remember to visit your local Thayan Enclave for holiday gift ideas... |
*** A Forgotten Realms Addict since 1990 ***
Treasures of the Past, a Second Edition Play-by-Post game for and by Candlekeep Sages--http://www.rpol.net/game.cgi?gi=52011 |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 16:01:56
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Willing slavery my ar....ahem!
Sports:
The spelling bee contest in Waterdeep has taken a more serious turn when upset Waterdhavians chased out former audience favorite Pikel Bouldershoulder after he misspelled "Waterdeep" for the third time, uttering only a few pathetic syllables and then resorting to shrill laughter.
It seems, Lucian, you were right, now all hopes, excuse me, almost all hopes of dwarvendom lie with Pwent... (May Moradin have mercy on us all!) |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 17:28:10
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Well I am sorry to hear about Pikel, but good luck Pwent. We're rooting for ya.
In more Southern News Calimport officials are baffled by the recent influx of textiles that have begun to blanket the sprawling desert city. This new needlework can only be the same styled knitting of the now infmaous Thayan Enclave. The people of Calimport are using the materials for a wide range of uses. From washing dishes, to keeping their favorite camel warm. Officials are baffled as many more well off families are cuting the fabric up and trying to smoke it out of their hookahs. Dozens have been brought to Clerical tents for healing. Guard Ehmed Alrudahn said this:
" It is wierd, normal people get ahold of this fabreek, and den dey do wierd stuff with eet. It scares some of my men."
Thayan goods have been banned across the board by all Pashas and other Calimport merchants. No one knows how this new batch of Thayan Merchandise arrived without arousing the eyes of the Pashas.
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Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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WalkerNinja
Senior Scribe
USA
577 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 18:50:18
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Celebrity Spotlight from Cormyr
Steel Regent Alusair, the notorious "party princess," has been seen in various states of intoxication in Arabel over the weekend. Sources report that at one revel she stated, "Hard to find a decent fellow around here that isn't secretly related!" Will she never develop the gravitas that her position demands!?! |
*** A Forgotten Realms Addict since 1990 ***
Treasures of the Past, a Second Edition Play-by-Post game for and by Candlekeep Sages--http://www.rpol.net/game.cgi?gi=52011 |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 20:35:42
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On a sad note, Master Fujinsinaliquot the Deciever, high level exalted mage from the Tower of Eternal change died this morning in his spell chamber onthe top floor of his tower. He was best known for attempting the youngest transformation into lichdom without losing his mind.
His death weights heavily on all in the surrounding region. He will be missed.
ON a lighter note.. Master Fujinsinaliquot the Deciever is back.
I guess he did it and succeeded after all. |
Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 01 Dec 2006 : 21:39:42
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Westgate:
The Thayan national symphonic orchestra has been denied the rights to play their infamous adaption of the orcish (I kid thee not!) ballet "The Headcracker". When the upset cultural attaché to Westgate tried to explain to the Thayans that open murder was not allowed in the city, the Thayan concert maestro replied: "That's why we use undead as dancers, we reduced the speed of the music, making it far more solemn, plus this is the perfect opportunity for your deceased to bring joy once again to the community."
The Thayan symphonic orchestra was last seen being chased out by at least two score paladins. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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WalkerNinja
Senior Scribe
USA
577 Posts |
Posted - 02 Dec 2006 : 02:04:12
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And now for a word from our sponsors...
Here at Zhentarim Enterprises, we believe in doing things differently. We believe that higher competition creates better products. We believe that you deserve the best product for your money, and that we deserve the best money for our product. If you needed any evidence of our superiority, looks at the misfortune that continues to afflict our competitors. Truly, the gods are against them. Zhentil Keep quality, Zhentil Keep prices.
Hail Bane!
Closed Captioning provided by:
The Iron Throne: we are your overlords... |
*** A Forgotten Realms Addict since 1990 ***
Treasures of the Past, a Second Edition Play-by-Post game for and by Candlekeep Sages--http://www.rpol.net/game.cgi?gi=52011 |
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ShadowJack
Senior Scribe
USA
350 Posts |
Posted - 02 Dec 2006 : 15:50:40
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| This is way too funny! I am sitting here wrapping up final projects for this semester's graduate classes... I needed a good laugh... |
ShadowJack |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 02 Dec 2006 : 18:40:03
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The North:
Our sources uncovered that members of the elusive, almost mythical group called the Harpers is responsible for the sudden influx of ballet and operatic music into orcish culture.
Unnamed Harper: "The stuff we give them is very good, it's a shame no audience has ever seen the complete version of "The Headcracker" performed by orcs. They usually kill themselves before the show is finished. Damn shame, really."
Well, it seems as if the Harpers' influence on orcish behavior shows results, since orc hordes seem like they are becoming rarer and rarer.
Unnamed Harper: "Next we gonna give them a real violent piece, "The Slasher of Selgaunt" "
Music Critic: "They basically take existing material and make it more violent much like that damned quintett from Waterdeep, altho those bards are a little more innovative!"
We shall see how things work out in the now thriving business of orcish opera, King Obould Many-Arrows appears to have toned down the violence (yea, right!) and is in the planning stages of the Kingdom of Many-Arrows' balett troupe to hit the road next summer. (And they tell us orc hordes were a thing of the past...but now they'll show up with ruffles and tutus!) |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
Edited by - Mace Hammerhand on 02 Dec 2006 18:40:22 |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 02 Dec 2006 : 18:44:11
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Waterdeep:
Pitch Black, the band formed around the infamous lutist Mitchy Darkless (the guy who toches his lutes while still playing them) have announced that they will dedicate their new song "Smoke over Waterdeep" to the victims of the KHELBEN induced fires.
The "Blackstaff": "I did NOT induce any such fire!" |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Ergdusch
Master of Realmslore
Germany
1720 Posts |
Posted - 03 Dec 2006 : 13:07:09
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This is wonderful! Really! And no annoying commercial breaks in between.  |
"Das Gras weht im Wind, wenn der Wind weht." |
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Delzounblood
Senior Scribe
United Kingdom
578 Posts |
Posted - 03 Dec 2006 : 16:16:21
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Guy's you should keep this going it's so damn funny!!! |
I'm Back! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 03 Dec 2006 : 17:08:50
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Thay:
The Zulkirs, in an unprecedented form of unity (they should participate at the spelling bee contest!), have announced that they refuse to take responsibility for the actions of Calimsham natives smoking the Thayan knit work.
Unnamed Red Wizard: "It's not our damn problem that those pea-brained southeners smoke everything that isn't on the trees before they arrive! I heard they even smoke camel poo... disgusting, I tell you! And do they set up embargos for camels? No! You can do whatever you want with the items you purchase, if you endanger your health by misusing our product that is your damn problem!"
Right he is, no one ever blamed dwarves for the excellent craftsmanship of their weapons, just because somebody got killed by the merchandise (well, except orcs that is) |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
Edited by - Mace Hammerhand on 03 Dec 2006 18:41:30 |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 03 Dec 2006 : 18:45:39
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Aurora, retailer of specialities all across Faerūn, has announced a new business venue: direct delivery of parcels. Aptly named Aurora's Parcel Service, or APS, will soon transport parcels from all of their counter outlets to any other outlet for a fee.
(This way, nobody can complain about the news reaching them too late!) |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 04 Dec 2006 : 12:46:10
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Suzail:
Azoun V., Heir to the throne of Cormyr, has made his first statement. It sounded much like what Pikel Bouldershoulder offered at the recent spelling bee contest in Waterdeep. Sages are still pondering what he wants.
Vangerdahast: "They should wonder about important things, not what a toddler is uttering."
According to our sources, Azoun uttered this: "Ooooh...agooo."
Maybe the royal court should ask Pikel Bouldershoulder to communicate with the lad. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
Edited by - Mace Hammerhand on 04 Dec 2006 14:42:18 |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 04 Dec 2006 : 14:46:37
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Moonshaes:
The druid army Queen Alicia has supposedly been raising is nonexistant. The woods did indeed come to a hamlet, but they also left, after... some shopping and carousing.
(druids, is there anything else to say?) |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 04 Dec 2006 : 15:06:56
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Calimport:
In response to the Thayan statement, Calishite officials have started an embargo on all foreign cloth. Silk prices are rising to prices never seen before, and even (and this is really curious) the black market for Thayan knitwork are soaring.
Calishite official: "We try to stop it, but there is only so much we can do. Maybe we should just prohibit smoking."
This statement was made right before the official died from sudden loss of blood. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
Edited by - Mace Hammerhand on 04 Dec 2006 15:07:25 |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 05 Dec 2006 : 09:34:07
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Shade:
As usual everything regarding the denizens of this city is somewhat shady, we are still trying to shed some light on things there... |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 06 Dec 2006 : 16:14:56
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Silverymoon:
Drizzt Do'Urden, proprietor of the Twirling Blades, has returned, if only for a short time, to his adventuring career. The Twirling Blades has suffered from various guests not paying their bills. Drizzt has vowed to "make them pay for every bite they had!" |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 08 Dec 2006 : 15:00:42
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Cheese merchants all across Sembia have demanded a thorough check of goods from their halfling suppliers!
Selgaunt.
The recent discovery of a halfling corpse in a barrel of goat-milk cheese has raised concerns with cheese vendors. "We appreciate the little folks' cheeses, but they have to take more care of their employees! Just the other day we found the false teeth of one halfling, or gnome, in the wheel of one of the best cheeses we have."
Watch investigators still try to figure out who the white, cheesy halfling was. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 11 Dec 2006 : 17:16:24
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With the holiday season approaching, and those of us saving up every copper and silver to buy our children toys, it's time to remember those less fortunate than us. Local retailers in and around the Trades Ward will have large wagons outside for the annual,
TOYS FOR TROGS
When you go down and buy that new toy the woodworker made, or that special shaw or cloak for your loved one, remember there are hundreds of small Troglodyte folk who go without every year. Please buy a small or large item of your choice and give it to the wagoneers at the TOYS FOR TROGS locations.
The folks down at TOYS FOR TROGS ask that noone purchase and give them KHELBENS for their safety issues are a danger to the Troglodyte children.
Blackstaff: "I AM NOT UNSAFE FOR CHILDREN!!" |
Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 11 Dec 2006 : 20:16:13
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News flash:
Mirt the Moneylender, rumored to be one of the Lords of Waterdeep, was taken to the local Temple for clerical healing on a few 3rd degree burns. It appears the Large, rotund Moneylender was caught sneaking down The chimney of one of Waterdeeps other famous men, Khelben "Blackstaff". Suffering third degree burns over both feet, legs and thighs, Blackstaff says he heard a noise like the sound of deer on his roof, and then soot fell from his chimney, so he cast a fireball up the chimney to chase off would-be thieves.
Mirt was quoted saying " Tymora's backside Khel! I was bringing ye cookies!"
More on this and Mirt's condition as it progresses..... |
Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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Mace Hammerhand
Great Reader
Germany
2296 Posts |
Posted - 12 Dec 2006 : 08:50:45
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Suzail:
After almost a tenday "holding the food" against Purple Dragons of Cormyr, the Halfling Marauders have been forced to given up. Our own Bleet "The Quick Tongue" (and he has heard every joke there is regarding his nickname!) Danardh met up with a Cormyrean representative.
Bleet: "How did you manage to solve the problem with the Marauders?"
Officer: "We starved them out!"
Bleet: "They were inside one of the major food storages of Suzail, is that correct?"
Officer: "Aye, that is correct."
Bleet: "So how come the Marauders gave up in such a short time? After all, this building is supposed to hold food to nourish a couple hundred people for a few weeks."
Officer: "What can I say... they are halflings."
This statement caused a major uproar in the halfling communities all across the continent, the government of Luiren has filed an official protest with Regent Alusair of Cormyr.
More on this later. |
Mace's not so gentle gamer's journal My rants were harmless compared to this, beware! |
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LucianBarasu
Fellaren-Krae Co-ordinator
USA
214 Posts |
Posted - 12 Dec 2006 : 17:14:25
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News from the Trades Ward:
Two Wizards and a Cleric of Cyric have been arrested earlier this morning in connection with the charming and kidnapping of Waterdeep Trades Ward's Bakers. The Bakers guild has been stumped up till now as to who and why their members were dissapearing into the night, only to return to begin early in the morning, boiling dough in pots of boiled down animal fat.
The cleric of Cyric and the two wizards stand accused of 'turning Bakers in zombies' and making them mindless slaves to the whims of the three accused. One guard was questioned during the arrest at the scene...
Guard - "Yeah, we;'s got em rioight 'ere. Dey waz chantin and castin spells dey wuz. Almost got me favorite baker, but he's freed now."
Reporter - "What was the condition of the Bakers?"
Guard - "Dey was walkin around all zombie-like an' mumblin, "TIME TO MAKE THE DOUNUTS."
Sources close to the guild are stumped as to what the three arrested were planning on doing with these alleged 'dounuts'. More to follow... |
Lucian "The Bringer" Barasu
Fellaren Krae Project Co-Ordinator
"Why do you cry?"
"He is Conan, Cimmerian. He won't cry... So I cry for him."
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BREAKING news, the news that breaks even mithral!
