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Sadonayerah Odrydin
Learned Scribe
USA
210 Posts |
 Posted - 02 Apr 2003 : 05:58:58
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“Get up Sadon!” A male’s voice yelled into my ear.
Instinctively, I reached for my hip scabbards thinking my swords would be there…but to my dismay, they weren’t. My hands clasped upon air again. This wasn’t the first time I woke up to find that my swords weren’t there. It was strange really, I usually wake up when someone enters my room. But this time, I hadn’t.
I opened my eyes to examine my empty sheaths. To my surprise, I saw Kimmuriel standing at the foot of my bed, holding my two long swords. His drow chain mail somewhat glittered in the infrared spectrum that I saw him in. The pitch-black piwafwi on his back was an indication that it was time to get ready to go meet Rintaie by the complex’s gates. I looked to either side of Kimmuriel and saw he was quite alone. He had a grin on his handsome face and was looking at me with more than a passing interest.
“What do you want?” I asked him, getting up slowly and rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
This was a daily routine. He’d come in, wake me up early to get me irritated enough to go looking for my swords, then he’d help me get ready for the training that we were going to do. After we had graduated from the academy, Rintaie and I decided to keep on training.
“Female,” Kimmuriel somewhat spat, his grin soon growing quite cocky.
I shrugged as I usually did when he said that to me. Then I just rolled my eyes when he didn’t hand my swords back.
“Can I have my swords back now?” I asked him, irritated even more.
He tossed them up into the air and I watched as any heat they had on them disappeared as they did. I looked with a horrified expression as Kimmuriel turned his back, his piwafwi swishing behind him. I hissed at him as his body heat faded away into nothing. Usually he didn’t just toss them like that. He knew how magical those swords were.
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So? What do you guys think so far? This is the beginning of the story....the new one anyway. (and I know I said I'd send it to you Bookwyrm...but I thought maybe to try this on my own first and see what kind of reactions I got. I swear next time I'll send it to you for editing before I post it up). Please let me know what you guys think of this. Thanks!
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"What's that," asked Mogget.
"Sardines," said Sam. "I knew they were standard rations, so I got a few tins for you."
"What are sardines?" Moggest asked suspiciously. "And why is there a key? Is this some sort of Abhorsen joke?"
Abhorsen by Garth Nix
"What you made a vampire...Pomeranian?!" --Hannibal King from Blade Trinity
~Sadie |
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Targon Moonrise
Learned Scribe
163 Posts |
Posted - 02 Apr 2003 : 06:02:40
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| I like it. The male is a little mean but a Drow female could straighten him out. Keep on your wonderful writing. |
May Melkor smile upon every spell you cast. |
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Bookwyrm
Great Reader
USA
4740 Posts |
Posted - 02 Apr 2003 : 06:47:13
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| Actually, I don't mind. This really isn't bad at all. Best I've seen from you, really, in storytelling as well as technical merit. |
Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.
Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more. |
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Sadonayerah Odrydin
Learned Scribe
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 02 Apr 2003 : 07:00:23
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Targon: Thanks!  Don't worry. I'm hoping that as soon as I write more on the story to be able to post it up somewhere and share it.
Bookwyrm: Really? Awesome! *begins to party but then realizes that there could be something he's not saying* Wait... Okay. So I've heard the good part of the review...what do I need to work on? (aside from description.... and that question isn't to be rude. I already know that I have to work on things in here. I'm just curious as to what you think I need to work on) |
"What's that," asked Mogget.
"Sardines," said Sam. "I knew they were standard rations, so I got a few tins for you."
"What are sardines?" Moggest asked suspiciously. "And why is there a key? Is this some sort of Abhorsen joke?"
Abhorsen by Garth Nix
"What you made a vampire...Pomeranian?!" --Hannibal King from Blade Trinity
~Sadie |
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Bookwyrm
Great Reader
USA
4740 Posts |
Posted - 02 Apr 2003 : 07:10:11
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| Not much. I'm not really sure, as I like to look at a whole story. Just parts can confuse me. But in the technical sense, I don't see anything glaringly wrong . . . . |
Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.
Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more. |
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Yasraena
Senior Scribe
USA
388 Posts |
Posted - 02 Apr 2003 : 10:33:14
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| Cool narrative, Sadon. A little on the unrealistic side if you know Drow culture at all. (Most males would cringe at showing ANY type of disrespect to a female! Unless she's not of noble blood, or they were absolutely SURE they could get away with it) I'd like to read more when you have it. Maybe try geting it on the Journals page of the site perhaps? |
"Nindyn vel'uss malar verin z'klaen tlu kyone ulu naut doera nindel vel'bolen nind malar."
Yasraena T'Sarran
Harper of Silverymoon |
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Sadonayerah Odrydin
Learned Scribe
USA
210 Posts |
Posted - 03 Apr 2003 : 04:48:04
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| Thanks Yasraena! and I already know that normal drow males would cringe at noble females. but there's a key thing in the story that I didn't put up here. That will explain the whole Kimmuriel-not-cringing-at-Sadon. (besides that...he's from the third house of Menzo. before the time of troubles. you know the psionicists? yeah...them. that's the Kimmuriel I'm talking about). I think I'll try to put it up there once I've got more written. with what I have now, it wouldn't be that interesting. This and another part are the only ones I have written so far. (but the other part is after she's already on the surface). |
"What's that," asked Mogget.
"Sardines," said Sam. "I knew they were standard rations, so I got a few tins for you."
"What are sardines?" Moggest asked suspiciously. "And why is there a key? Is this some sort of Abhorsen joke?"
Abhorsen by Garth Nix
"What you made a vampire...Pomeranian?!" --Hannibal King from Blade Trinity
~Sadie |
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A snip of Sadon's Story (subject to change)
