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Hendrindar
Acolyte
13 Posts |
 Posted - 25 Mar 2003 : 03:04:45
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Here is the first part of a story im writing ,please tell me what you think.
He crept silently through the shadows; nothing could sense him, not even a black elf. He was an assassin, killing for money, and no regard for others. Jalfrez was deadly in battle, people believed the most deadly of all assassins. Jalfrez was on a mission, a mission to kill Soughourly, the person that his master Mesrom, the most powerful wizard in Farun, wanted him to kill for reasons unknown. Jalfrez could feel the wind of this night, it howled away at the buildings he was leaping from. He then came upon his target, a strange red building with windows everywhere. Jalfrez was angered when he came upon it; there was no one there, yet he felt compelled to go in. Perhaps he could find information of the human’s whereabouts. With more agility than a cat he leaped on to the great building. Out of his cloak he took out a small dagger, its finely crafted edges glimmering in the moonlight. He traced a circle on one of the windows. Then gently he grabbed the glass, and slipped into the building. There were voices coming from the room; He could barely make them out” Soughurly ben’ takin too many nights out.” Said a strangely cloaked man.” He went to Neverwinter,” replied a man that Jalfrez could not see. “Go and look fer’ that thing he wants.”. The cloaked man left into another room and was gone. Hiding in the shadows Jalfrez crept ever so closely to the man. The man felt the breath of Jalfrez, and reflexively spun around and searched for his weapon. He was dead before he drew his weapon, the shimmering dagger into his throat. With a thud he hit the ground…. dead. The other man came into the room after hearing his friends’ screams, but to his horror all he saw was his bloody companion.
****
A man came at him with his fists up. He swung an upper cut, but Detrix was expecting that. He dodged the blow and found the man with his forearm, knocking him out. Bodies lay the floor at the well-known bar in Memmon: The White Rider. Two more came at him, reflexively he thrust his two fists at there stomachs. He hit home on the left one, but the one on the right side dodged his blow only to be met by Detrix’s other fist. This brawl is one for the ages Detrix thought as he mangled his way through the bar to the door. Once outside he heard someone come out with him. He turned around to be greeted by a Dwarf, his armor gleaming.” Well met friend,” He said as he put out his hand to shake.” Fighter of Hunrul, the dwarf fortress. Names Rutyz.” He took a moment to let his words settle in Detrix.”Detrix, Rogue of Silverymoon” Detrix replied.” What you doin in Memmon elf?” Rutyz questioned. I’ve come to find some adventure, or leisure.” Detrix said grimly. “ Are you any good at fightin?” said the dwarf. Detrix replied with a laugh “Faster reflexes than the likes of a dwarf” he said playfully.” Let me buy you a drink , elf” said Rutyz.
****
They arrived shortly at the Out Box Inn.” I’ll get some rooms, go and sit in the bar,” Rutyz said. Detrix had already been to one bar, which ended in a disaster so he refused and decided to stay with the dwarf.” Suit yourself” Rutyz replied. After Rutyz got the rooms, they went up to the stairs. Detrix sat in his room wondering what his destiny was
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The_Mirt
Acolyte
USA
45 Posts |
Posted - 25 Mar 2003 : 03:37:54
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To make your writing better, Expand and add Detail to it.
quote:
He crept silently through the shadows; nothing could sense him, not even a black elf. He was an assassin, killing for money, and no regard for others.
I will show you how to make it better useing this section.
The rogue crept through the shadows, one with the darkess. Only the well trained eyes of a Dark Elf could spot him moving up the street. He passed over the cobble stone streets with out a sound, the only way a passer by could notice the rogue was was by the lack of sound that the killer made in his passage or by the erie feeling that you sometimes get that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up.
This rogue making his way down the street was no ordinary theif, he was an assassian. The type of person that your older brother tells you about in the dead of night to make you have nightmares. He killed for money, and sometimes he killed just to be killing. To become an assassian, you had to be a emotionless murderer, plain and simple, the assassian had to have a lust for the blood of others. In a buisness that left little for mistakes, this man walking the shadows had thrived. The people of the city that knew of him pailed when they saw him, hoping that they were not the next target. City guards quickly evacuated the street when he was seen. Blah Blah Etc. Etc.
This is character creation, you must have detail like this, so people can get to know the character. Some random assassian01 is not frightening, but when you describe him, your readers get a sense of who he is, and he becomes more frightning.
~Mirt |
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Bookwyrm
Great Reader
USA
4740 Posts |
Posted - 25 Mar 2003 : 06:15:55
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Hmm, seems that Mirt's head isn't just a bunch of gold coins! I was going to do something similar.
Suggestions grammer-wise:
Paragraphs exist. Use them.
Watch the punctuation.
Try to let us know who's speaking.
Never let the reader guess!!! |
Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.
Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more. |
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Alaundo
Head Moderator
United Kingdom
5695 Posts |
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Artalis
Senior Scribe
USA
444 Posts |
Posted - 25 Mar 2003 : 17:07:38
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quote:
Originally posted by Alaundo
Well Met
Just a reminder to those scribes who have any stories or tales of significant length can submit their scrolls to Tethtoril (where on Faerun is that scribe anyway these days?  ) and have them placed within the Campaign Logs chamber for all to see as a permanent record within the library.
Just curious... Does that mean that you would rather that we wrote it out and submitted it? Or are you just reminding us that when we are done we can have it submitted to campaign journals. |
Artalis
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Tethtoril
Seeker
95 Posts |
Posted - 25 Mar 2003 : 22:16:52
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quote:
Originally posted by Artalis
Just curious... Does that mean that you would rather that we wrote it out and submitted it? Or are you just reminding us that when we are done we can have it submitted to campaign journals.
Greetings
First of all, apologies for my absence in dealing with such questions, Alaundo seems to have taken in well in hand though 
To answer your question Artalis, you may submit any stories to the forum, but try to keep it short. You may also send your stories in to Candlekeep (Word document or whatever) to go into the Campaign Logs section. You may do both, but submitting fo the Campaign Logs ensures your story reaches not only the forum members but also visitors to the site itself and will also remain within that section, whereas it will gradually work its way further down the forum topic list as time goes on if you submit just to the forum.
Hope that makes sense. If anyone has anything they wish to send into the Campaign Logs, then please email me. |
Tethtoril
Candlekeep Forums Moderator
Candlekeep - The Library of Forgotten Realms Lore
http://www.candlekeep.com
An Introduction to Candlekeep - by Ed Greenwood |
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Detrix
Acolyte
2 Posts |
Posted - 05 Apr 2003 : 02:30:31
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| I honestly like it except for the very few errors......... |
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Bookwyrm
Great Reader
USA
4740 Posts |
Posted - 05 Apr 2003 : 06:01:31
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quote:
Originally posted by Detrix
I honestly like it except for the very few errors.........
Well, there are two ways to judge creative writing. That's not to say that there's one then another, if you know what I mean. It's really that there are two things to judge. It's like in figure skating and other such sports -- marks for both artistic and technical skill.
You're right, Detrix -- there are only a few errors, but that's only when you talk about the technical side of things. And that doesn't mean that they aren't big ones. Paragraphs are important, especially when you're switching between the actions of seperate characters. That's especially important for quotations. There were also some spelling mistakes that I noticed, and as some others on these forums can tell you, I'm horrible at spelling.
As for the artistic areas, well, that's more to personal taste. But like I said, needs work. Shows promise, but needs work. I can help there, if you want. Just email me. |
Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.
Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more. |
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Dantrag
Learned Scribe
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 05 Apr 2003 : 16:58:13
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| I agree with Bookwyrm..he has some great imagination though........ |
" The truth comes out only in bold and underlined" |
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Sample story!!
