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Kajehase
Great Reader
Sweden
2104 Posts |
 Posted - 19 Sep 2004 : 12:50:15
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Well, I'm trying to write a short story set in the Realms and would like to get some feedback on parts of it I'm not really sure of. So I'll post those scenes here (in no particular order) in the hope to get some advice from my fellow scribes.
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There is a rumour going around that I have found god. I think is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.
Terry Pratchett |
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Kajehase
Great Reader
Sweden
2104 Posts |
Posted - 19 Sep 2004 : 13:19:23
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And here's the first snippet. An attempt to write an action-sequence
"Stop!" The voice was firm and commanding and came from behind them. Bryda barely had time to turn around to look at who it was that had hailed them before she found herself born to the ground by a black-clad assailant no larger than a human child. Striking out with her right fist without taking aim she was rewarded with a grunt and a cessation of the attackers attempts at subduing her, giving her time to scramble to her feet and pull out her short belt-knife as she dared a quick glance to take in the scene surrounding her. Joril had somehow fared better than herself ane was currently doing his best to keep a pair of men wielding two daggers each away from humself with his rapier. The limp way in which one of his two assailants held his right arm showed that even if her brother was having to use all of his skill to keep from getting stabbed, his defense hadn't been entirely without success.
Turning her gaze back towards the writhing figure who had attacked her, a halfling she now noticed, Bryda never had a chance to see who or what grabbed her from behind and pinned her arms to her sides as she was lifted off the ground.
Kicking and screaming with terrorized rage she saw the halfling get up from the ground, still grimacing and clutching the side of his stomach.
"You hold there Artreg," he told the person holding her, then directing himself at Bryda. "And I'll discuss proper behaviour from young lasses such as yourselves later pretty."
Looking in Joril's direction Bryda saw that her brother was being pushed slowly towards one of the alley's walls by his two original assailants. And once the halfling had had time to give her his parting remark and caught his breath he lunged towards her brother, a katar slashing out of the wrist of the halflings shirt that Joril only barely managed to avoid by twisting himself away from it, exposing his right shoulder to one of the other attackers who promptly buried one of his daggers in it.
Bryda gasped as in astonishmentas she saw Joril pluck the dagger out of his shoulder without even wincing. There was a strange look in his eyes that she'd only seen on someone else oncce before; their father back during the Time of Troubles when a priest of Tempus had gone mad and stormed into their house lashing out wildly with his battleaxe threatening to kill anyone in the room in the process. She coul still remember how her father had stopped trying to convince their suddenly talking hens to give up their eggs and rushed into the room with a stool in his hand and knocked the priest senseless and then proceeded to repeatedly kick the man in the head until her mother managed to convince him that the danger was over.
That was exactly the look that Joril had now as he, apparantly without any regard for his safety lunged out with the dagger towards the halfling in an obvious attempt to get to where he coulld help his sister. Realising that this was going to get Joril killed Bryda renewed her efforts to get out of the frip holding her, this time by thrusting her head backwards so that it conneted with her captors chin. Something that was only rewarded by a splitting pain in the back of her skull and lights flashing in front of her eyes.
Next she heard a grunt from behind her and saw the halfling drop to the ground with a crossbow-bolt in his back, and then the ground started to rush up at her as the person holding her fell forward still with a hard grip on her arms. The last thing she heard before the combination of hitting the ground followed by the immediately following impact of a 300 pound heavy half-orc falling on top of her knocked both wind and consciousness out of her was the clattering of running footsteps and someone shouting: "The Watch. Hold still ruffians!" |
There is a rumour going around that I have found god. I think is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.
Terry Pratchett |
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Winterfox
Senior Scribe
895 Posts |
Posted - 20 Sep 2004 : 12:44:55
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quote:
The voice was firm and commanding and came from behind them.
Awkward. Try: "The voice, firm and commanding, came from behind them."
quote:
Bryda barely had time to turn around to look at who it was that had hailed them before she found herself born to the ground by a black-clad assailant no larger than a human child.
O-kay. Not a pretty sentence; nearly a run-on. Suggestion: "Bryda barely had time to discover who had hailed them. She found herself born to the ground..."
quote:
Striking out with her right fist without taking aim she was rewarded with a grunt and a cessation of the attackers attempts at subduing her, giving her time to scramble to her feet and pull out her short belt-knife as she dared a quick glance to take in the scene surrounding her.
Now this is a run-on. No. I also have issues with the diction, namely the word "cessation", but never mind that. Try: "Striking out aimlessly with her right fist, she was rewarded with a grunt and a cessation of the attacker's attempt to subdue her. It gave her time to scramble..." (Oh, and notice! "Attacker's", not "attackers." There is only one attacker that I can see so far, any in any case, "attempts" implies that the word preceding it should be in the possessive form. What is it with the plural/possessive confusion?)
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Joril had somehow fared better than herself ane was currently doing his best to keep a pair of men wielding two daggers each away from humself with his rapier.
Run-on again. Also note the typos.
quote:
The last thing she heard before the combination of hitting the ground followed by the immediately following impact of a 300 pound heavy half-orc falling on top of her knocked both wind and consciousness out of her was the clattering of running footsteps and someone shouting:
I couldn't even make head or tails out of this. What? "Followed by the immediately following"?
The text is riddled with punctuation/general grammatical mistakes and bucketloads of run-on sentences, plus a liberal sprinkling of typos, and I'm growing rather cranky. Which means that, if I continue, I'll be swearing and getting the urge to throttle somebody. So I'll stop here, with some parting advice: in an action sequence, keep things simple, clear, and concise. Don't use protracted sentences; write in fragments, even, if the situation calls for it. Fragments can be effective if used sparingly. Run-ons are a big no-no, since such a scene should convey a sense of haste, not contain crawling irritants that make people's eyes cross in an attempt to figure out their meanings. |
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Kajehase
Great Reader
Sweden
2104 Posts |
Posted - 20 Sep 2004 : 13:48:39
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quote:
Originally posted by Winterfox
quote:
The voice was firm and commanding and came from behind them.
Awkward. Try: "The voice, firm and commanding, came from behind them."
quote:
Bryda barely had time to turn around to look at who it was that had hailed them before she found herself born to the ground by a black-clad assailant no larger than a human child.
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O-kay. Not a pretty sentence; nearly a run-on. Suggestion: "Bryda barely had time to discover who had hailed them. She found herself born to the ground..."
Not overly fond of the use of cessation myself either actually, so it'll probably have to go.
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(Oh, and notice! "Attacker's", not "attackers." There is only one attacker that I can see so far, any in any case, "attempts" implies that the word preceding it should be in the possessive form. What is it with the plural/possessive confusion?)
Not so much confusion as a typo.
quote:
The last thing she heard before the combination of hitting the ground followed by the immediately following impact of a 300 pound heavy half-orc falling on top of her knocked both wind and consciousness out of her was the clattering of running footsteps and someone shouting:
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I couldn't even make head or tails out of this. What? "Followed by the immediately following"?
Dear GOD!! Quite right you are there. It should probably read: The last thing she heard before the combination of hitting the ground followed by the immediate impact of etc etc
[quote]The text is riddled with punctuation/general grammatical mistakes and bucketloads of run-on sentences, plus a liberal sprinkling of typos, and I'm growing rather cranky. Which means that, if I continue, I'll be swearing and getting the urge to throttle somebody. So I'll stop here, with some parting advice: in an action sequence, keep things simple, clear, and concise. Don't use protracted sentences; write in fragments, even, if the situation calls for it. Fragments can be effective if used sparingly. Run-ons are a big no-no, since such a scene should convey a sense of haste, not contain crawling irritants that make people's eyes cross in an attempt to figure out their meanings.
Hmm... sorry to have made you cranky. Your advice does sound ...sound. And one of the reason I put this up here that I've not much use in writing action-sequences, so the advice is appreciated.
Another problem I have with the sequence is that it's supposed to be from the perspective of someone who doesn't really know what's going on. So I have to try and both give the reader the an idea of what is going on as well as make it clear that it's a very confused situation. Without confusing the reader... *sighs* This'll cause me some gray hairs before I'm done I think.
But as I said earlier, thanks for the advice, it's appreciated. Just as the fact that you took some of your time to actually read the text and come with some constructive ideas. Thanks |
There is a rumour going around that I have found god. I think is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.
Terry Pratchett |
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Lysander
Learned Scribe
USA
183 Posts |
Posted - 20 Sep 2004 : 21:18:15
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quote:
Originally posted by Kajehase
Hmm... sorry to have made you cranky. Your advice does sound ...sound. And one of the reason I put this up here that I've not much use in writing action-sequences, so the advice is appreciated.
Another problem I have with the sequence is that it's supposed to be from the perspective of someone who doesn't really know what's going on. So I have to try and both give the reader the an idea of what is going on as well as make it clear that it's a very confused situation. Without confusing the reader... *sighs* This'll cause me some gray hairs before I'm done I think.
But as I said earlier, thanks for the advice, it's appreciated. Just as the fact that you took some of your time to actually read the text and come with some constructive ideas. Thanks
I've read a few of these to speak with some shred of knowledge.  Winterfox's not cranky, per se, but is very factual and to-the-point. Basically, an editor.  I know of a few places that could use editors half as good as she is.
(Edited for correct pronoun ) |
Lysander
Defender of the Second Edition
Moderator, Project Gemengan, Worlds of D&D |
Edited by - Lysander on 21 Sep 2004 04:40:43 |
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Capn Charlie
Senior Scribe
USA
418 Posts |
Posted - 21 Sep 2004 : 02:58:55
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| Yes, Winterfox may come off as abrasive, but that's jut because there is no sugar coating. She is on the mark and very truthful, generally speaking, and can be a great ally in bettering your writing. |
Shadows of War: Tales of a Mercenary
My first stab at realms fiction, here at candlekeep. Stop on by and tell me what you think. |
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Lysander
Learned Scribe
USA
183 Posts |
Posted - 21 Sep 2004 : 04:38:57
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quote:
Originally posted by Capn Charlie
Yes, Winterfox may come off as abrasive, but that's jut because there is no sugar coating. She is on the mark and very truthful, generally speaking, and can be a great ally in bettering your writing.
Oops, my bad.
No offense intended  |
Lysander
Defender of the Second Edition
Moderator, Project Gemengan, Worlds of D&D |
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Winterfox
Senior Scribe
895 Posts |
Posted - 21 Sep 2004 : 05:41:11
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quote:
Originally posted by Lysander
Oops, my bad.
No offense intended
No problem. Hey, having been mistaken for a male is a semi-common occurrence for me -- I've even been told that I write [fiction] like a man. Which is not necessarily a bad thing.
quote:
Originally posted by Kajehase
Hmm... sorry to have made you cranky. Your advice does sound ...sound. And one of the reason I put this up here that I've not much use in writing action-sequences, so the advice is appreciated.
I'm not particularly fond of action scenes myself -- writing or reading them alike. Most authors don't have the ability to bring true suspense, because their characters are always encased in a protective little bubble. When a novel is chock-full of action scenes (yea verily, some of them consist of practically nothing but action scenes), it becomes pointless when you know the heroes are going to emerge unscathed and the villains are going to lose partly because the heroes are idiots and, to compensate, the villains must have the IQ of a retarded bettle. In my recent reading, I've found a grand total of one author whose action sequences can keep my attention (in addition to everything else -- complex plot, characterization and all), and he writes fanfic. (I love it when I find a fanfic author who, in my arrogant humble opinion, produces far better work than what you see at the top of New York Bestseller list or whatever.)
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Another problem I have with the sequence is that it's supposed to be from the perspective of someone who doesn't really know what's going on. So I have to try and both give the reader the an idea of what is going on as well as make it clear that it's a very confused situation. Without confusing the reader... *sighs* This'll cause me some gray hairs before I'm done I think.
Why don't you just focus on a single character? Does the reader absolutely need to know what's happening to every single person present?
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But as I said earlier, thanks for the advice, it's appreciated. Just as the fact that you took some of your time to actually read the text and come with some constructive ideas. Thanks
You're welcome. :) |
Edited by - Winterfox on 21 Sep 2004 05:47:04 |
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Kajehase
Great Reader
Sweden
2104 Posts |
Posted - 22 Sep 2004 : 14:36:04
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quote:
Originally posted by Winterfox
Why don't you just focus on a single character? Does the reader absolutely need to know what's happening to every single person present?
If this answer isn't as detailed as it could be you'll have to blame my arm-muscle which really doesn't approve of things like typing at the moment. (And yes, that means that the next snippet from the story will be delayed a bit and not appear this saturday which I had planned, even if I haven't mentioned it so far).
I have to make it known what happens to Joril too due to the fact that the mention of him getting that strange look is meant to set things up for when I kill him off during the climax of the story.
However, the sequence posted here is in fact a first draft, so it could change dramatically before I'm finished. One idea I have is to simply describe what happens to Bryda (should take about four sentences perhaps) and then have Joril tell her the rest after the villains have been chased off, she's been taken to where they live and regained consciousness. But well, that's just one idea and other suggestions will be greatly appreciated (that's why I started the topic in the first place after all). |
There is a rumour going around that I have found god. I think is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.
Terry Pratchett |
Edited by - Kajehase on 22 Sep 2004 14:38:23 |
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Kajehase
Great Reader
Sweden
2104 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2004 : 23:13:41
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Well, I've finally been able to go a whole day without even a slight twinge of pain in my shoulder and should thus be able to do some serious typing again. So in case anyone is still interested I'll probably have either a reworked version of the previous scene or the story's opening sequence (actually I'll post even if no-one claims interest in seeing it, guess I'm just to much of an attention-seeker not to). If it's the latter I will really need some advice as I can't seem to get the sequence to work.
And this time I'll run it trough a spell-checker before posting it to avoid getting embarrassed about silly typos. Yes Winterfox, I hate to read texts filled with spelling-errors and poor grammar, so your remarks about those in my text made me very upset at myself . So feel free to be as harsh as you want about future mistakes in that department, I'll be even harsher myself most likely. |
There is a rumour going around that I have found god. I think is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.
Terry Pratchett |
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Kajehase
Great Reader
Sweden
2104 Posts |
Posted - 14 Oct 2004 : 13:55:27
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So when it's not raining it's pouring, eh?
Please remind me never to say I'll have time to do something this or that day in the future again...
Ah well, here's the next excerpt - the current opening scene to the whole story - and feel free to be harsh, because I really don't like it. It feels as if it's missing something, and it's too short. Suggestions anyone?
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Leaping high into the air Bryda vaulted through the air while spinning around her own axis, landing on her hands to do a backflip up onto the thin bar at the top of the fence that circled her parents' sheeps' grazing-field, where she made two somersaults before making another backflip down to land on the exact spot she’d first leapt up from. She then raised her arms, arching her back and taking a bow to an imaginary crowd of cheering onlookers before planting her hands at the side of her hips, glaring at the one real spectator of her performance.
“Well, is that good enough to let me join you when you return to the mainland Joril?”
The young man she had addressed merely smiled before answering, “It looked good alright, and I promise think about it, but while I do so,” he paused, giving his fourteen years old sister an impish grin, “if you haven’t finished feeding the chickens soon mother will have a fit.”
“Darkwalker’s Fangs! She’ll skin me!” Bryda hurriedly scurried for the chicken-cope, her brother following her at a more leisurely pace. Once he’d caught up with his sister she ove again brought up the topic they'd been discussing for the past tenday again:
“When mum and dad say yes to me joining you, where will we go first? Caer Corwell over on Gwynneth?”
Joril threw up his arms as if surrendering to an advancing enemy fighter. “Calm down little sister. I have yet to think so far ahead, but I am growing weary of the Isles, our people don’t appreciate my arts to the extent I deserve, and the Ffolk are wont to treat all us Northmen as savage raiders or spies of such men. I’ve been thinking of trying my, or our I should say, luck on the mainland. Tethyr is still torn by war, but from what I hear the people of Amn is known as generous in their appreciation of entertainers. Those they appreciate at least. And with time we could even go further inland perhaps. Even make a visit to Cormyr or Sembia…
And oh, if anyone could tell me if Bryda's little piece of acrobatics is even possible I'd appreciate it
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There is a rumour going around that I have found god. I think is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.
Terry Pratchett |
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Feedback on story-parts
