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Fellfire
Master of Realmslore
1965 Posts |
 Posted - 14 Aug 2011 : 18:02:11
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I found this today, and had to share...
A mighty Orc warrior walks into a tavern to order a drink, and he notices standing on the keys of a nearby piano was a Gnome. A very short Gnome, short for even for one of his kind. And immediately the Gnome starts running up and down the piano keys, dancing, cartwheeling and somersaulting, flawlessly landing on the correct keys time and time again. The music he produced was incredible. This little gnome was just brilliant!
So astonished, the orc walked up to the bartender and asked, "that little gnome is amazing, where did you get him?"
He looked at the Orc and smiled. "Oh I was given this fancy bottle as payment by one of my customers a while back. Upon polishing it, this genie popped out and offered me a single wish. I've had that little guy ever since. Makes me a fortune."
Very curious now the orc asked if he still has this magic bottle, and is excited when the bartender pulls it out from under the table and offers it to him. "Knock yourself out."
Eagerly he accepts the bottle and starts rubbing it, and just as the bartender had claimed, a genie popped out. The magical being stared at the orc and announced, "you have one wish! Make it now!"
Thinking for a few moments, he decided not to be too greedy and just ask for something he had needed for a while. "Okay, Genie. I wish for a nice new axe!"
"Granted!" he said, clapping his hands the vanishing in a puff of smoke. After the smoke cleared the orc found himself holding a nice new pair of slacks.
Angry now, he glared at the bartender. "What's going on?! I didn't ask for nice new slacks, I asked for a nice new axe!"
He smiled back before replying. "You think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Misanthorpe
Love is a lie. Only hate endures. Light is blinding. Only in darkness do we see clearly.
"Oh, you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but.. blinding. The shadows betray you because they belong to me." - Bane The Dark Knight Rises
Green Dragonscale Dice Bag by Crystalsidyll - check it out
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Edited by - Fellfire on 14 Aug 2011 18:05:59
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AdamBridger
Learned Scribe
United Kingdom
118 Posts |
Posted - 14 Aug 2011 : 18:06:06
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| That jokes so bad it's actually quite good |
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Wooly Rupert
Master of Mischief
USA
36996 Posts |
Posted - 14 Aug 2011 : 19:01:57
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| I'd heard this one before, but I'd heard it as one of the regular "Guy walks into a bar..." type of jokes, rather than something set in a fantasy setting. |
Candlekeep Forums Moderator
Candlekeep - The Library of Forgotten Realms Lore
http://www.candlekeep.com -- Candlekeep Forum Code of Conduct
I am the Giant Space Hamster of Ill Omen!  |
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Thelonius
Senior Scribe
Spain
731 Posts |
Posted - 14 Aug 2011 : 20:08:41
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Never heard of this one is awfully bad  |
"If you are to truly understand, then you will need the contrast, not adherence to a single ideal." - Kreia
"I THINK I JUST HAD ANOTHER NEAR-RINCEWIND EXPERIENCE"- Discworld's Death frustrated after Rincewind scapes his grasp... again.
"I am death, come for thee" - Nimbul, from Baldur's Gate I just before being badly spanked
Sapientia sola libertas est |
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Dennis
Great Reader
9933 Posts |
Posted - 14 Aug 2011 : 20:35:57
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We have similar version of this in the Philippines. Though ours is R-18, so I can't tell what exactly. Suffice it to say it's got to do with certain body parts being explicitly named and "used." |
Every beginning has an end. |
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xaviera
Learned Scribe
Canada
149 Posts |
Posted - 28 Aug 2011 : 17:22:17
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Can't think of a better place to put these 
A sexy young lady Sharessin
Was accosted one day whilst undressin'
She said "I'm a virgin
But since you are urgin'
I'll happily give you my blessin'"
Sharess is a goddess quite blunt
Who approves of whatever you want.
She wears filmy clothes
And damn few of those
So you can get a good look at her.
A Banite all black-clad and drear
Said "This so isn't me, oh my dear!
I really like flowers
And wearing tight trousers
And swatting young men on the rear."
Bane is not loving and kind
And his worship won't bring peace of mind.
His grip's like a vice
And you won't feel nice
With his black hand stuck up your behind.
One Waukeenite priestess, Ivana,
Was haggling o'er a banana.
"Yes it is just a fruit
But you have so much loot
That I'll charge you whatever I wanna."
Tyr isn't much of a hater -
He wants justice now and not later.
He's really a charmer
All dolled up in that armour
And he's shacked up with Helm and Ilmater.
Shaundakul is the god of my feet
And what I do when I walk down the street.
But it's Beshaba I call
When I slip and I fall
And my journey ends up on my seat.
The drow goddess know as Eilistraee,
Has a dark and unfortunate history.
Her followers dance
With no shirt and no pants -
Why I love her is not such a mystery.
Lady Sune has lovely red hair -
And I'd like to propose you a dare...
My friends say it's dyed
But nobody has tried
To confirm it by checking down there.
A priest with his wife in their room
Was unable to give her his boon,
So he prayed to his deity
With lust more than piety
And now it is granted too Sune.
The drow live in the Underdark
Which is not quite a walk in the park.
Don't call an Ilharess
A word like elg'caress
Or her whip will leave rather a mark.
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Writings on Sharess: Thoughts & Prayers by Xaviera ~ High Priestess of Sharess |
Edited by - xaviera on 28 Aug 2011 17:26:06 |
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MisterX
Learned Scribe
Germany
118 Posts |
Posted - 28 Aug 2011 : 20:35:55
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| …which reminds me of the elf (!) on a LARP-Event tossing a copperpiece over to a drow female (!)(don't recall a title but her position was high enough to have two drow warriors at her command). All he said (loudly…) was "For last night!" – and gone he was. The three Drow were so surprised that it took them a second to realize what had just happened – which saved the life of that elf. ;) |
I've lost track of recent realmslore, since my campaigns are still in the 1370ies. :-)
---
When talking about rules (and related stuff) I always refer to 3.5e unless explicitly noted. |
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Kentinal
Great Reader
4704 Posts |
Posted - 28 Aug 2011 : 21:09:44
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Oh a joke one has to decipher is a bad one. Could make a good puzzle though.
Even after figuring it out, was not worth even a chuckle from me. Of course others clearly understood it quicker and laughed long. |
"Small beings can have small wisdom," the dragon said. "And small wise beings are better than small fools. Listen: Wisdom is caring for afterwards."
"Caring for afterwards ...? Ker repeated this without understanding.
"After action, afterwards," the dragon said. "Choose the afterwards first, then the action. Fools choose action first."
"Judgement" copyright 2003 by Elizabeth Moon |
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Dennis
Great Reader
9933 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2011 : 03:03:49
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At times though, it's not the joke itself that makes it funny, but the delivery. |
Every beginning has an end. |
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Wooly Rupert
Master of Mischief
USA
36996 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2011 : 03:35:15
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quote:
Originally posted by Dennis
At times though, it's not the joke itself that makes it funny, but the delivery.
I've found that sometimes, you don't even have to deliver the joke -- just point out that there's room for a joke, and let people think of their own. There are times that works better than making the joke yourself. |
Candlekeep Forums Moderator
Candlekeep - The Library of Forgotten Realms Lore
http://www.candlekeep.com -- Candlekeep Forum Code of Conduct
I am the Giant Space Hamster of Ill Omen! |
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Dennis
Great Reader
9933 Posts |
Posted - 29 Aug 2011 : 03:50:15
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quote:
Originally posted by Wooly Rupert
quote:
Originally posted by Dennis
At times though, it's not the joke itself that makes it funny, but the delivery.
I've found that sometimes, you don't even have to deliver the joke -- just point out that there's room for a joke, and let people think of their own. There are times that works better than making the joke yourself.
Given, of course, that your audience are intelligent enough to decipher the joke. Each jest has its own audience. Contrary to what some people say, there's no such thing as a universal type of joke. |
Every beginning has an end. |
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Bad Jokes
