| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
ElaineCunningham
Forgotten Realms Author
2396 Posts |
 Posted - 07 Jul 2010 : 12:47:26
|
Here's a tongue-in-cheek story I wrote a while back. It's meant in fun--no offense is intended to those folk whose fascination with moonbladeshas kept me coming back to the Realms for nearly 20 years. 
***
Moonblades were designed to be a test of kingship, a visual symbol of the right and fitness to rule. But over the years, concept creep has set it. For those who are in need of clarification, consider, if you will, an imaginary conversation that I'll call...
A CONNECTICUT GAMER IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT
I woke up in a stable, though I'll be damned if I could tell you how I got here. One minute, I'm racing an approaching thunderstorm so I can level up before logging out, the next, I'm face down in straw. Everything hurt, and I smelled like a KFC Double Down that had been left in the fryer a little too long.
After a few tries, I hauled myself up. Remembering how to walk took a while, but pretty soon I was staggering out of the stable into the grounds of a Ren Faire that looked--and, unfortunately, smelled--more authentic than most. The sun wasn’t quite up yet, and the only person in the muddy courtyard was an old man with a long white beard. He sat on this boulder, next to the hilt of an old sword that someone had Crazy-Glued to the rock. He watched my approach with eyes that saw way too much. I got the feeling that he knew things about me I don't know myself, and probably won't figure out until I'm old. Like, forty. Although come to think of it, forty isn't looking as old as it used to, considering Jennifer Anniston.
"Around here, that's pronounced 'Gwynevere,'" he said mildly.
"Huh. Like Drizzt's panther?"
He shrugged. "Sure."
It hit me then that he'd responded to something I hadn't actually said. I looked from the old guy to the sword, to the stone. Something clicked.
"No way!" I marveled.
"Way," he said gravely. "Took you long enough, dude."
Now, that just didn’t seem right. "Wait. If you're Merlin, shouldn't you be all, 'forsooth, ye saucy varlet' and so on?"
A longsuffering expression crossed his face. "Whence and wherefore art thou come, young sir?”
“No clue. Last thing I remember, I was playing an MMO and found an old sword in an abandoned dragon’s lair. Looked like it might be elf-crafted. I was trying to level up, in case it was a moonblade, so I’d have a better chance of claiming it without getting my ass fried.”
His shoulders rose and fell in a sigh that held about a thousand years of been-there-heard-that. “And how’s that working out for you?”
“Hard to say. Thunderstorm blew in and…” I spread my hands, palms up. “Here I am.”
“I see. And now I suppose you want to attempt to draw the sword from the stone.”
“Dude, that’s the high king’s sword. Excalibur. What exactly are you smoking?”
He almost smiled. “That’s refreshing. Most people think they ought to have a shot.”
“Seriously? At being the next high king of the Britons?”
Merlin thought that over. “At first, perhaps. Now they mostly want to prove themselves worthy.”
“Of what?”
“Just ‘worthy’ in general. The definition gets broader and more vague by the day.”
“So it’s not just the royal wannabes, but people who want to prove they’re as good as the next guy.”
“Pretty much.” He scowled. “And it’s not just the Britons anymore. Irish, Saxons, Danes, Jutes, Scotti—they’re all wanting in. Last week a Greek sea captain showed up.”
I tried to make sense of this, but apparently the lightning had fried more than my motherboard. “You’d think they could come up with swords and myths and rituals of their own.”
“You’d think,” Merlin grumbled.
A goat trotted up to the boulder, fixed its weird yellow dragon’s eyes on the wizard’s face, and let out a long string of bleats and bahs. Merlin listened politely for a while, then held up one hand to staunch the flow of goatspeak.
“I believe I have the gist. To recap, you found a sword similar to this one in a meadow and kicked it into a hollow log. When a fox threatened your offspring, you led it in a chase and tricked it into taking a shortcut through the log, thus ending its life and the threat it posed. Having successfully employed a sword in defense of your young, you believe you have the right to this one.”
The goat bleated enthusiastically.
“I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way,” the wizard said. “You are not the destined king. You’re not a Briton, nor, for that matter, are you human. For all these reasons, you are not eligible to claim the sword.”
Judging from the nipping and head-butting that followed, this wasn’t something the goat wanted to hear. Merlin kicked at the angry goat for a while before he figured out it would make more sense to scramble up onto the highest part of the boulder and stand out of reach.
“I didn’t say you weren’t a worthy goat,” he called down. “No doubt you’re a paragon among goats. But you don’t. Need. A frickin’ sword to validate that!”
The goat thought this over and then bleated some more.
“No, I will NOT train you to be a warrior king!” howled Merlin. “And no, you can NOT impregnate a human woman and expect to pass Excalibur to your theoretical offspring. It doesn’t work that way.”
The goat huffed. It turned its back to Merlin, lifted its tail, and dumped a load. Off it trotted, grumbling.
I clapped one hand over my nose to ward off the smell and reached the other up to help the old wizard climb down from the stone.
Merlin nodded his thanks and sank down to sit on a low edge of the boulder. “You see how it is.”
“Yeah.” I shook my head in disbelief. “Weird, though. It’s such a simple concept.”
“It was certainly meant to be.”
He pulled out a pottery flask, took a swig, and offered it to me. We passed the flask back and forth for a while. The high-blood-pressure-red slowly faded from his face.
“So, tell me about this moonblade. You’re acting as a representative for a noble moon elf clan, I assume?”
I swallowed a mouthful of mead and shook my head. “It’s for my PC. She’s a half-orc, half-tiefling fighter who moonlights as a courtesan.”
Merlin stared at me for a long moment.
“She’s neutral good,” I said defensively. Since he didn’t look convinced, I added, “And she’s thinking of multi-classing as a paladin.”
The wizard rose and gestured to a lanky kid who was foot-dragging his way toward us, scratching himself and yawning widely.
The kid glanced my way. His gaze sharpened as he took in my wtf are ELADRIN?!! tee shirt.
“Let me guess: Moonblades again?”
Merlin nodded and took a couple of quick steps away.
Moving faster than I would have thought possible, the kid lunged for the sword, yanked it out of the stone, and swung it toward me in a shining arc.
The world spun and rolled. When it came to a stop, I was eye-level with the pile the goat had left behind. A few paces away, my headless body twitched in a spreading red pool.
Interesting. I’d heard that the brain takes a few minutes to shut down after decapitation. I lasted long enough to see young Arthur sheath Excalibur in the stone and head off in the direction the goat had taken. I guess a future king can’t be too careful when it comes to potential rivals.
THE END
|
Edited by - ElaineCunningham on 08 Jul 2010 02:03:25
|
|
|
Ruul
Seeker
USA
64 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jul 2010 : 13:27:16
|
| Hahaha! |
 |
|
|
Zireael
Master of Realmslore
Poland
1190 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jul 2010 : 13:38:20
|
| Rolled on the floor - thanks, Elaine! |
SiNafay Vrinn, the daughter of Lloth, from Ched Nasad!
http://zireael07.wordpress.com/ |
|
|
|
Kilvan
Senior Scribe
Canada
896 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jul 2010 : 13:47:28
|
| Niiice, thanks Elaine |
|
|
|
The Red Walker
Great Reader
USA
3567 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jul 2010 : 13:51:01
|
Thanks for sharing |
A little nonsense now and then, relished by the wisest men - Willy Wonka
"We need men who can dream of things that never were." -
John F. Kennedy, speech in Dublin, Ireland, June 28, 1963
|
|
|
|
Kyrene
Senior Scribe
South Africa
765 Posts |
|
|
Erik Scott de Bie
Forgotten Realms Author
USA
4598 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jul 2010 : 17:40:05
|
Now THIS is mad lewts.
Cheers |
Erik Scott de Bie
'Tis easier to destroy than to create.
Author of a number of Realms novels (GHOSTWALKER, DEPTHS OF MADNESS, and the SHADOWBANE series), contributor to the NEVERWINTER CAMPAIGN GUIDE and SHADOWFELL: GLOOMWROUGHT AND BEYOND, Twitch DM of the Dungeon Scrawlers, currently playing "The Westgate Irregulars" |
|
|
|
Kajehase
Great Reader
Sweden
2104 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jul 2010 : 23:51:44
|
| Everything's better with goats. |
There is a rumour going around that I have found god. I think is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.
Terry Pratchett |
|
|
|
Wooly Rupert
Master of Mischief
USA
36965 Posts |
|
|
ElaineCunningham
Forgotten Realms Author
2396 Posts |
Posted - 08 Jul 2010 : 01:04:10
|
quote:
Originally posted by Kajehase
Everything's better with goats.
You know, I've noticed that.
|
|
|
|
The Sage
Procrastinator Most High
Australia
31799 Posts |
|
|
Joran Nobleheart
Senior Scribe
USA
495 Posts |
|
|
Sandro
Learned Scribe
New Zealand
266 Posts |
Posted - 08 Jul 2010 : 09:42:15
|
quote:
“And no, you can NOT impregnate a human woman and expect to pass Excalibur to your theoretical offspring. It doesn’t work that way.”
This made my night. Great piece, Elaine, and thank you very much for sharing it. |
"Gods, little fishes, and spells to turn the one to the other," Mordenkainen sighed. "It's started already..." |
|
|
|
GRYPHON
Senior Scribe
USA
527 Posts |
Posted - 08 Jul 2010 : 15:08:54
|
| Very amusing... |
|
|
|
Barastir
Master of Realmslore
Brazil
1607 Posts |
Posted - 09 Jul 2010 : 18:41:44
|
Great, Mrs. Cunningham. And the speaking goat is just great! 
Hope it scapes young Arthur! hehehe
And hey, I DO know what's an eladrin... They are the "faerie celestials", the outer planar ideal faeries found in Arborea, IIRC... Or, at least, they were, in the good old Planescape books! 
Oh, and I was thinking lately, even in newest editions it would be more likely that the goat inherited a moonblade than the half-orc/half-pepperoni character. After all, it is more feasible that the goat has some elven blood in its veins...
PS: If a sorcerer can be the descendant of a polymorphed dragon, why not a goat descended from a solitary elven mage?... |
"Goodness is not a natural state, but must be
fought for to be attained and maintained.
Lead by example.
Let your deeds speak your intentions.
Goodness radiated from the heart."
The Paladin's Virtues, excerpt from the "Quentin's Monograph"
(by Ed Greenwood) |
Edited by - Barastir on 11 Jul 2010 05:50:15 |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
A Connecticut Gamer in King Arthur's Court
