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Lord Karsus
Great Reader
USA
3740 Posts |
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GoCeraf
Learned Scribe
147 Posts |
 Posted - 13 Jan 2009 : 22:25:11
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I'm typing this out as I go along, so it might seem a bit scattered.
There's a lot of... well, showy speech. Specifically, the phrases Osu'Tan and its derivatives. I'm taking it that means something like uncle, or some other honorific. Is it necessary? I mean, I'm buying that elves speak in elvish to one another when they're alone, but this sounds like a smattering of common and elvish.
Also, there's a lot of technical speech, as well, which creeps into any story written in a game setting. The first sentence in the -10,003 DR section is rather awkward, due to both the tech talk and the length. The lines farther down about the abilities a paladin gains seems unnecessary, since you mentioned just above that Aldramar had become "a holy warrior much akin to a Paladin."
At times, you have dialogue spoken by different characters in the same paragraph. It's not often, although at this point I'm up to the fight, and dialogue has been secondary thus far. I can't really tell if you've got a grasp on the mechanics of it or not.
The fight is pretty will written, although I've mostly skimmed it (really long descriptions of fights sort of bore me, nothing personal). Again, I'm having the problem of rather long sentences, when action scenes ought to feel quick, almost staccato.
I'm down to the storytelling sequence now, and this is more of a personal peeve than anything else, especially since these are elves. You're sort of naming backdrop characters, which wouldn't be a huge deal if their names weren't a little on the awkward side. Now, if you're planning a sequel to this work and they're important, that's one thing. Otherwise, I'm just seeing a lot of apostrophes and joined vowels and four+ syllable surnames.
And... well, when I critique written works, I generally stick to criticism. Everything I could see worth pointing out was grammatical or habitual. Mainly, a lot of sentences were too long, and there was that dialect thing I mentioned first. It was a nice read and offered some insight into the struggles between families in the Crown Wars.
Thanks for writing it.
All the best |
Being sarcastic can be more telling than simply telling. |
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Neil Bishop
Learned Scribe
Singapore
100 Posts |
Posted - 14 Jan 2009 : 12:44:07
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I'm delighted to see you can write without using
- this
- silly
- affectation.
I think "whom" should be used instead of "who" in the title. Remember also that "it's" is "it is"; the possessive form of "it" is "its" without the apostrophe. I think you would be safe using "replace all" in your document as I don't recall a single instance of it being used correctly. The capitalisation of race names is also an annoying affectation that I would drop: "elf" is fine; "Elf" is not (ditto for "Bladesinger").
Would Corellon's intervention result in a rosy glow? Blue or silver would be more appropriate colours; check the first web enhancement for Faiths & Pantheons for other ideas.
Why "Mr Daerian"? The use of "Mr" seems out of place both as a modern construction and rather non-elven, IMO.
All that said, it was an interesting read. |
Regards
NXB |
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Rinonalyrna Fathomlin
Great Reader
USA
7106 Posts |
Posted - 14 Jan 2009 : 15:01:15
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Haven't read it all yet, but, with regards to the last paragraph...
"as young children are wont to do"...
"Daerian's hand brushed gently against the steel pommel"...
I do agree that "elf" should not be capitalized.
Hmmm, I'll print this out and read it all through later. I love the "About the author" section.  |
"Instead of asking why we sleep, it might make sense to ask why we wake. Perchance we live to dream. From that perspective, the sea of troubles we navigate in the workaday world might be the price we pay for admission to another night in the world of dreams."
--Richard Greene (letter to Time) |
Edited by - Rinonalyrna Fathomlin on 14 Jan 2009 15:04:13 |
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GoCeraf
Learned Scribe
147 Posts |
Posted - 14 Jan 2009 : 16:54:47
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quote:
Originally posted by Rinonalyrna Fathomlin
Haven't read it all yet, but, with regards to the last paragraph...
It ruins the story if you read ahead. |
Being sarcastic can be more telling than simply telling. |
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sfdragon
Great Reader
2285 Posts |
Posted - 14 Jan 2009 : 22:34:10
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| very well written |
why is being a wizard like being a drow? both are likely to find a dagger in the back from a rival or one looking to further his own goals, fame and power
My FR fan fiction
Magister's GAmbit
http://steelfiredragon.deviantart.com/gallery/33539234 |
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Lady Fellshot
Senior Scribe
USA
379 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jan 2009 : 06:54:42
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All right, first off dialogue gets a new paragraph when the speaker changes. It gets messy otherwise and makes it more difficult for the reader to get through the piece.
I am going to ignore most of the fight scene as irrelevant and on grounds that doing a blow by blow shred of it would take a while. Besides, since there is no dialogue through most of it and very little detailed of the characters' mindsets through that section I'm pretty sure I didn't miss anything narratively important.
For the two parts taking place during the Crown wars, I thought that I just had read the very beginning and the very end of a long drawn out drama that I would have liked to have gotten more of. It felt like I'd just been handed two slices of dry toast and I was looking around for something to put between them so I could have a nice full sandwich. Really, the change in Pharom's view of his nephew is so extreme that the only way to make sense of it is to have prior knowledge of the Crown Wars. Generally speaking, that isn't mark of good writing to have character motive so thoroughly reliant upon events. I mean come on. An about face in how one views one's kin should have more, much more to it than "oh the Descent happened." 
While I'm still grousing on the subject, it seemed like it would have made more sense for Pharom to be Miyeritari rather than Illythiiri, but I suppose either one is possible. I just thought that one seemed more likely than the other.
Now on to the ending... what can I say that doesn't give things away too much? It looks like you plan on continuing this in some way. It did seem odd to see an elf addressed as "mister" when "elder" seemed like it should have sufficed. It also seemed a little odd to not introduce so obvious a framing device from the beginning and rather save it entirely for the end and lose the opportunity to give this reader a better idea of who the important players in this piece were.
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Rinonalyrna Fathomlin
Great Reader
USA
7106 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jan 2009 : 16:46:51
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quote:
Originally posted by GoCeraf
quote:
Originally posted by Rinonalyrna Fathomlin
Haven't read it all yet, but, with regards to the last paragraph...
It ruins the story if you read ahead.
Actually, for me it didn't--at the time, I just skimmed the story and found a few mistakes.
As of now, I've not only read a hard copy of the story, but I've also marked it up with corrections as well as suggestions. I'm going to give it to Dagnirion at the end of the week.
quote:
All right, first off dialogue gets a new paragraph when the speaker changes. It gets messy otherwise and makes it more difficult for the reader to get through the piece.
You're right, Lady Fellshot--I completely forgot about that last night (must have been tired). |
"Instead of asking why we sleep, it might make sense to ask why we wake. Perchance we live to dream. From that perspective, the sea of troubles we navigate in the workaday world might be the price we pay for admission to another night in the world of dreams."
--Richard Greene (letter to Time) |
Edited by - Rinonalyrna Fathomlin on 15 Jan 2009 16:48:26 |
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Lord Karsus
Great Reader
USA
3740 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jan 2009 : 17:54:23
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quote:
Originally posted by Neil Bishop
I'm delighted to see you can write without using
- this
- silly
- affectation.
-I'll make sure to utilize extra dashes, just for you, regardless of the fact that in MS Word, I can include indentations. |
(A Tri-Partite Arcanist Who Has Forgotten More Than Most Will Ever Know)
Elves of Faerūn
Vol I- The Elves of Faerūn
Vol. III- Spells of the Elves
Vol. VI- Mechanical Compendium |
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Lord Karsus
Great Reader
USA
3740 Posts |
Posted - 15 Jan 2009 : 17:56:26
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quote:
Originally posted by Lady Fellshot
An about face in how one views one's kin should have more, much more to it than "oh the Descent happened."
-Of course, the Descent of the Drow hadn't happened yet. But, I'm sure you already knew that.
quote:
Originally posted by Lady Fellshot
While I'm still grousing on the subject, it seemed like it would have made more sense for Pharom to be Miyeritari rather than Illythiiri, but I suppose either one is possible. I just thought that one seemed more likely than the other.
-Of course, Miyeritar didn't exist any more. |
(A Tri-Partite Arcanist Who Has Forgotten More Than Most Will Ever Know)
Elves of Faerūn
Vol I- The Elves of Faerūn
Vol. III- Spells of the Elves
Vol. VI- Mechanical Compendium |
Edited by - Lord Karsus on 15 Jan 2009 19:48:52 |
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Lady Fellshot
Senior Scribe
USA
379 Posts |
Posted - 16 Jan 2009 : 01:19:15
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quote:
Originally posted by Dagnirion
-Of course, the Descent of the Drow hadn't happened yet. But, I'm sure you already knew that.
I'm very sure I don't need to tell you that Illythiir was already heading in a downward spiral of depravity well before the official mass Descent. Going from the descriptions in your piece, I'd say that Pharom was well into his own personal "descent."
My comment about a substantial lack of personal motive for both Pharom and Aldramar still stands. There's a whole middle section where they go from caring relations to hated enemies that is not explained in any way, shape or form.
quote:
Originally posted by Dagnirion
-Of course, Miyeritar didn't exist any more.
Miyeritar as a country did not exist anymore. There were surviving elves though and I do not think it likely that a mere half century or so would result in a complete cultural absorbtion into Illythiir. Also, unless I misremember, Miyeritar was geographically closer to Illefarn than Illythiir was. It seemed more plausible to me to have a Miyeritari refugee uncle than a Illythiiri one. |
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ithildur
Acolyte
4 Posts |
Posted - 03 May 2009 : 03:38:20
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quote:
Originally posted by Neil Bishop
I'm delighted to see you can write without using
- this
- silly
- affectation.
I think "whom" should be used instead of "who" in the title. Remember also that "it's" is "it is"; the possessive form of "it" is "its" without the apostrophe. I think you would be safe using "replace all" in your document as I don't recall a single instance of it being used correctly. The capitalisation of race names is also an annoying affectation that I would drop: "elf" is fine; "Elf" is not (ditto for "Bladesinger").
Would Corellon's intervention result in a rosy glow? Blue or silver would be more appropriate colours; check the first web enhancement for Faiths & Pantheons for other ideas.
Why "Mr Daerian"? The use of "Mr" seems out of place both as a modern construction and rather non-elven, IMO.
All that said, it was an interesting read.
It's definitely 'Whom', not 'Who' that's correct for the title. Not a good start when the title of the piece is grammaticly awkward..
I'd echo most of the other points above, as well as those offered by others. I lost interest in this frankly after the first page; there might be a good story in there somewhere but the poor grammar and style (lots of irritating affectations besides the one described above) put me off enough that I'd rather wait until a revised version is offered. |
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Arion Elenim
Senior Scribe
933 Posts |
Posted - 04 May 2009 : 04:41:25
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quote:
Originally posted by Neil Bishop
I'm delighted to see you can write without using
- this
- silly
- affectation.
Do you mean the hypen or the casual indent? |
My latest Realms-based short story, about a bard, a paladin of Lathander and the letter of the law, Debts Repaid. It takes place before the "shattering" and gives the bard Arion a last gasp before he plunges into the present.http://candlekeep.com/campaign/logs/log-debts.htm |
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Neil Bishop
Learned Scribe
Singapore
100 Posts |
Posted - 20 May 2009 : 17:57:12
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I mean the hyphen/dash/whatever it's called. It seems a particularly bizarre way to start every paragraph.
Looking back on the other feedback we gave I'm surprised the OP didn't try at least a modest rewrite to get rid of the most annoying affectations and errors. |
Regards
NXB |
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David E
Seeker
USA
55 Posts |
Posted - 11 Jun 2009 : 21:02:41
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The file is no longer available for download!  |
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Ashe Ravenheart
Great Reader
USA
3243 Posts |
Posted - 11 Jun 2009 : 21:19:02
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| I think the hosting site is going through some changes. You can check with him on the Wizards board (since he doesn't visit here much anymore), just look up Lord Karsus in the Forgotten Realms boards. |
I actually DO know everything. I just have a very poor index of my knowledge.
Ashe's Character Sheet
Alphabetized Index of Realms NPCs |
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Fillow
Master of Realmslore
France
1608 Posts |
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David E
Seeker
USA
55 Posts |
Posted - 12 Jun 2009 : 04:21:27
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| Thanks for pointing me in the right direction Ashe and Fillow. I'll check it out post haste. |
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Fillow
Master of Realmslore
France
1608 Posts |
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"Those Who Honor, Duty and Magic Define": A Story
