| Author |
 Topic  |
|
Ardashir
Senior Scribe
USA
544 Posts |
 Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 00:03:30
|
Just for fun --
An adaptation of some things I've heard from a fellow old gamer bud,, about the kind of dumb things gamers (especially trids) say right before they get flattened.
"So, who's the drow b*tch with the spiders?"
"Elminster? Dumb name for a wizard... hey, let's kill him and take his stuff, wizards are always wimps."
(Said after killing a flying monster that Snatched the character and started flying off with him, at which point the PC hit it with a disintegtrate spell): "No, I don't know what 'terminal velocity' is."
"What's that you say? A drow with a figurine of wondrous power and two magic scimitars in front of me? Of course I'm going to kill him, all drow are evil, and think of the loot!"
"It's a city full of beholders? I'm safe, I'll just hold a mirror up when they eye-blast me! That reflects them, right?"
(After blowing a Gate spell scroll) "Asmodeus who? He's a good guy, right?"
"Two baboon heads and waving tentacles? What a dumb looking monster, bet it's only got one hit die."
"We're trapped in a massive chamber, surrounded by orcs, and there's only one stone column holding the roof up1 What do I do? Why, I disintegrate it, naturally!"
"Seven Sisters, schmeven sisters, I'm gonna rape her. Contingency spell? Never heard of it."  (Yes, they tried it. They did not die horribly enough.)
So, any of you have your own jewels from your years in gaming?
Mod Edit: Corrected spelling in scroll's title. Sorry, 'twas bothering me. 
|
Edited by - The Sage on 10 Oct 2008 01:59:25
|
|
|
Arion Elenim
Senior Scribe
933 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 00:25:49
|
| Hey look, that guy's controlling a floating bowling ball! Let's go touch it! |
My latest Realms-based short story, about a bard, a paladin of Lathander and the letter of the law, Debts Repaid. It takes place before the "shattering" and gives the bard Arion a last gasp before he plunges into the present.http://candlekeep.com/campaign/logs/log-debts.htm |
 |
|
|
Lord Karsus
Great Reader
USA
3746 Posts |
|
|
Kamuraki
Seeker
USA
78 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 00:51:00
|
For the sake of getting a laugh I made these up myself.
"Gut Busters can suck my..."
"I'm sorry Ms. Simbul, we're out of double chocolate ripple ice cream."
"Storm? Heh, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for fr..."
"Okay, which one is Bruenor, and which one is Obould?"
"Does Jarlaxle realize how gay the hat makes him look?"
"Hi, Artemis."
"No no no, elves love having people pull their ears." |
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams |
|
|
|
Rinonalyrna Fathomlin
Great Reader
USA
7106 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 01:25:22
|
quote:
Originally posted by Dagnirion
"By Mystra's Lost Spell!"
Seconded! |
"Instead of asking why we sleep, it might make sense to ask why we wake. Perchance we live to dream. From that perspective, the sea of troubles we navigate in the workaday world might be the price we pay for admission to another night in the world of dreams."
--Richard Greene (letter to Time) |
|
|
|
Leon_Stryfe
Acolyte
USA
18 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 01:57:28
|
| "We can take out Waterdeep; I mean, it's just another city, right?" |
You ask me what I crave above all things? Knowledge. |
|
|
|
Arion Elenim
Senior Scribe
933 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 02:33:33
|
My fav so far: Kamuraki's "I'm sorry Ms. Simbul, we're out of double chocolate ripple ice cream."
Because you KNOW the Simbul sits on her couch in a big fluffy robe eating ice cream out of the container with her cat at the end of the day. |
My latest Realms-based short story, about a bard, a paladin of Lathander and the letter of the law, Debts Repaid. It takes place before the "shattering" and gives the bard Arion a last gasp before he plunges into the present.http://candlekeep.com/campaign/logs/log-debts.htm |
|
|
|
Brunswick
Acolyte
Ireland
21 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 15:02:13
|
| Anyone ever play "Temple, Tower and Tomb" adventure? The "Tower" part involves the party descending down through the floors of a tower (from the roof), which has been completely submerged beneath the desert sands. The roof (trapdoor) is found by the party with a bried search in the sand. The players in my group descended all the way down to the old "entrance hall" with no difficulty. In the entrance hall, they fight a Golem and see the old rusted double doors of the tower. The party are getting ready to leave the same way they came in when the wizard, for some reason, declares "I'm casting knock on the double doors!". This is followed by a chorus of "Noooooooos!" from everyone else, quickly followed by half the party (including the wizard) choking on the sand that engulfs the room. Always remember that.... |
|
|
|
Nerfed2Hell
Senior Scribe
USA
387 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 15:43:37
|
Players went seeking an ancient white dragon for knowledge it had (relevant to the adventure they were engaged in). The plan was to try to make a deal with the dragon rather than fight it... smart plan, the only other one that would have worked was to leave the dragon alone and seek the knowledge elsewhere. Having carefully crept into its lair and moved around the dragon into tactical positions in case it woke up angry... the dragon revealed it was awake all along and asked, "Who disturbs my rest?"
The oh-so-brave fighter (who had not suffered one significant defeat in his career so far) leaped from his place of safety to confront the dragon face-to-face while shouting, "T'is I, your greatest foe!" while brandishing his sword menacingly.
This was followed promptly with a call for initiative, the dragon clawing a couple times and then swallowing him whole. The dragon then asked, "Are any of my other foes present?" |
Some people are like a slinky... not good for much, but when you push them down the stairs, it makes you smile. |
|
|
|
Markustay
Realms Explorer extraordinaire
USA
15724 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 17:38:16
|
"Ohhhh! Look! A Dragon... and he's smiling...."
"I don't care what your name is or what color your staff is, I'm going to do this thing even if I have to go through you"
"Hold on a sec, Eltab... I just need to re-draw this bit of the circle that I seem to have accidently erased..."
Upon entering Warlock's Crypt: "Hey! A skelton!"
And this one because another scroll got me thinking...
At Candlekeep: "Its a little dark in this library, mind if I light a torch?"
|
"I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me" --- Dudley Field Malone
|
Edited by - Markustay on 10 Oct 2008 17:38:38 |
|
|
|
Jakk
Great Reader
Canada
2165 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 19:04:17
|
[edit]The event being described wasn't fatal... but it was definitely painful.[/edit]
The phrase isn't particularly amusing, but what went along with it was... and the two phrases in combination are rather priceless.
The party was in Undermountain. (No, nothing good starts that way.)
The gnome fighter/thief (this was 2E) led the way into a room, checking the door and doorway for traps, etc.
The elf fighter behind him says, "Don't forget to check the ceiling!" As the gnome looks up, the green slime lands on his face.
The same elf fighter (being role-played perfectly, and a wild elf of sub-par Intelligence) yells "Slime?! BURN IT OFF!!" and throws a flask of alchemist's fire into the gnome's face.
That took care of the green slime... among other things. The gnome had his Charisma reduced by 6 points until he could have a heal spell applied to eliminate the scar tissue, and in the spirit of things, the gnome's player changed his character sheet's "Appearance" section to read:
Hair: NO
Skin: Some
Eyes: Maybe
|
Playing in the Realms since the Old Grey Box (1987)... and *still* having fun with material published before 2008, despite the NDA'd lore.
If it's comparable in power with non-magical abilities, it's not magic. |
Edited by - Jakk on 10 Oct 2008 19:08:14 |
|
|
|
Jakk
Great Reader
Canada
2165 Posts |
Posted - 10 Oct 2008 : 19:16:15
|
quote:
Originally posted by Markustay
"Ohhhh! Look! A Dragon... and he's smiling...."
"I don't care what your name is or what color your staff is, I'm going to do this thing even if I have to go through you"
"Hold on a sec, Eltab... I just need to re-draw this bit of the circle that I seem to have accidently erased..."
Upon entering Warlock's Crypt: "Hey! A skelton!"
And this one because another scroll got me thinking...
At Candlekeep: "Its a little dark in this library, mind if I light a torch?"
The first four are hilarious... and you know how I feel about the last one, thanks to that very same scroll. Unfortunately, we don't have a "nauseated" emoticon... so I'll settle for  . I'm with Alaundo and The Sage here. People who burn books, whether out of ignorance, stupidity, or clumsiness (and yes, those are the only three ways it happens) deserve to be tied down and set alight themselves. In the Realms, I would actually polymorph them into a sentient (but mute) book, and reintroduce them to one of their book-burning friends.  |
Playing in the Realms since the Old Grey Box (1987)... and *still* having fun with material published before 2008, despite the NDA'd lore.
If it's comparable in power with non-magical abilities, it's not magic. |
|
|
|
Nerfed2Hell
Senior Scribe
USA
387 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2008 : 00:07:08
|
quote:
Originally posted by Jakk
People who burn books, whether out of ignorance, stupidity, or clumsiness (and yes, those are the only three ways it happens) deserve to be tied down and set alight themselves.
Its okay to burn books for warmth... but only as a last resort, and only if you have additional fuel too (since books burn too quickly alone). |
Some people are like a slinky... not good for much, but when you push them down the stairs, it makes you smile. |
|
|
|
Arion Elenim
Senior Scribe
933 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2008 : 05:42:01
|
| Hey Artemis, got your nose!!! |
My latest Realms-based short story, about a bard, a paladin of Lathander and the letter of the law, Debts Repaid. It takes place before the "shattering" and gives the bard Arion a last gasp before he plunges into the present.http://candlekeep.com/campaign/logs/log-debts.htm |
|
|
|
Ardashir
Senior Scribe
USA
544 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2008 : 19:07:07
|
quote:
Originally posted by Jakk
[edit]The event being described wasn't fatal... but it was definitely painful.[/edit]
The phrase isn't particularly amusing, but what went along with it was... and the two phrases in combination are rather priceless.
The party was in Undermountain. (No, nothing good starts that way.)
The gnome fighter/thief (this was 2E) led the way into a room, checking the door and doorway for traps, etc.
The elf fighter behind him says, "Don't forget to check the ceiling!" As the gnome looks up, the green slime lands on his face.
The same elf fighter (being role-played perfectly, and a wild elf of sub-par Intelligence) yells "Slime?! BURN IT OFF!!" and throws a flask of alchemist's fire into the gnome's face.
That took care of the green slime... among other things. The gnome had his Charisma reduced by 6 points until he could have a heal spell applied to eliminate the scar tissue, and in the spirit of things, the gnome's player changed his character sheet's "Appearance" section to read:
Hair: NO
Skin: Some
Eyes: Maybe
If it'd been me burend like that, that elf would have gone from sub-par intelligence to non-intelligent just as soon as I could put a warhammer through his skull. |
|
|
|
Nerfed2Hell
Senior Scribe
USA
387 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2008 : 21:16:44
|
Ahh, 2e days... wild mage is about to use a wand of wonder to make a cone of cold effect. The rogue says, "maybe we should tell the dwarf to pull back." The wild mage says, "no, because then the elemental will just get closer to us. Besides, he's protected from cold damage."
One *wild surge* and Delayed Blast Fireball later, a beardless dwarf decides maybe the elemental should be allowed to kill the party. |
Some people are like a slinky... not good for much, but when you push them down the stairs, it makes you smile. |
|
|
|
Wooly Rupert
Master of Mischief
USA
36905 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2008 : 22:16:40
|
quote:
Originally posted by Nerfed2Hell
Ahh, 2e days... wild mage is about to use a wand of wonder to make a cone of cold effect. The rogue says, "maybe we should tell the dwarf to pull back." The wild mage says, "no, because then the elemental will just get closer to us. Besides, he's protected from cold damage."
One *wild surge* and Delayed Blast Fireball later, a beardless dwarf decides maybe the elemental should be allowed to kill the party.
Heh, a 2E wild mage announcing that he's going to cast any spell can wind up being last words.  |
Candlekeep Forums Moderator
Candlekeep - The Library of Forgotten Realms Lore
http://www.candlekeep.com -- Candlekeep Forum Code of Conduct
I am the Giant Space Hamster of Ill Omen! |
Edited by - Wooly Rupert on 11 Oct 2008 22:17:08 |
|
|
|
sfdragon
Great Reader
2285 Posts |
Posted - 11 Oct 2008 : 22:59:42
|
| I wish you intelligence, because luck runs out faster than you think.( pr something like it) that dude in the mages tower in beregost bg |
why is being a wizard like being a drow? both are likely to find a dagger in the back from a rival or one looking to further his own goals, fame and power
My FR fan fiction
Magister's GAmbit
http://steelfiredragon.deviantart.com/gallery/33539234 |
|
|
|
Icelander
Master of Realmslore
1864 Posts |
Posted - 12 Oct 2008 : 02:19:33
|
quote:
Originally posted by Jakk
The first four are hilarious... and you know how I feel about the last one, thanks to that very same scroll. Unfortunately, we don't have a "nauseated" emoticon... so I'll settle for . I'm with Alaundo and The Sage here. People who burn books, whether out of ignorance, stupidity, or clumsiness (and yes, those are the only three ways it happens) deserve to be tied down and set alight themselves. In the Realms, I would actually polymorph them into a sentient (but mute) book, and reintroduce them to one of their book-burning friends.
Perspective, please.
Property damage may be bad, but killing people is worse. For one thing, people can write books. Often more than one.
Killing a person is likely to destroy far more knowledge than burning a book. Particularily since we have discovered plenty of ways to duplicate writing cheaply and easily but are still stuck with primative manual methods in creating new people. |
Za uspiekh nashevo beznadiozhnovo diela!
Forgotten Realms fans, please sign a petition to re-release the FR Interactive Atlas
|
|
|
|
Nerfed2Hell
Senior Scribe
USA
387 Posts |
Posted - 12 Oct 2008 : 02:36:21
|
| Fie. People can be resurrected, destroyed books are gone for good. |
Some people are like a slinky... not good for much, but when you push them down the stairs, it makes you smile. |
|
|
|
Jakk
Great Reader
Canada
2165 Posts |
Posted - 12 Oct 2008 : 09:29:09
|
quote:
Originally posted by Nerfed2Hell
Fie. People can be resurrected, destroyed books are gone for good.
My thoughts exactly. |
Playing in the Realms since the Old Grey Box (1987)... and *still* having fun with material published before 2008, despite the NDA'd lore.
If it's comparable in power with non-magical abilities, it's not magic. |
|
|
|
Jakk
Great Reader
Canada
2165 Posts |
Posted - 12 Oct 2008 : 10:12:10
|
quote:
Originally posted by Icelander
quote:
Originally posted by Jakk
The first four are hilarious... and you know how I feel about the last one, thanks to that very same scroll. Unfortunately, we don't have a "nauseated" emoticon... so I'll settle for . I'm with Alaundo and The Sage here. People who burn books, whether out of ignorance, stupidity, or clumsiness (and yes, those are the only three ways it happens) deserve to be tied down and set alight themselves. In the Realms, I would actually polymorph them into a sentient (but mute) book, and reintroduce them to one of their book-burning friends.
Perspective, please.
Property damage may be bad, but killing people is worse. For one thing, people can write books. Often more than one.
Killing a person is likely to destroy far more knowledge than burning a book. Particularily since we have discovered plenty of ways to duplicate writing cheaply and easily but are still stuck with primative manual methods in creating new people.
Yes, but the people I'm describing the disposal of have no use for knowledge; otherwise they wouldn't be burning books in the first place. If they had useful knowledge, they would understand the importance of books, and wouldn't be burning them. I quite like my "poetic justice" methodology, myself. The alternative is, polymorph them into sentient boulders and transport them close to a couple of warring hill giant tribes. Or anything similar, really. Being a tree near a red dragon's lair wouldn't be so hot either... well, it would be hot, but not in a good way.  |
Playing in the Realms since the Old Grey Box (1987)... and *still* having fun with material published before 2008, despite the NDA'd lore.
If it's comparable in power with non-magical abilities, it's not magic. |
|
|
|
Riyoukaze
Acolyte
Canada
2 Posts |
Posted - 12 Oct 2008 : 14:01:54
|
During my first campaign, we ended it with a "bang".... things being destroyed, people dying, so on and so forth. We found out early on that we were, more or less, dreaming (as cliche as it is, it worked out really well, especially once we got returned to the Realms).
One of the players was always taking all of the attention, loved being the center of it, and so wanted to die in a really cool way. He did. He completely intended for it all to be very dramatic.
His character was a half-dragon (or something to that effect... I can't remember), but in the Realms the actual dreamer was some sort of lycanthrope fox thing (as I said, he wanted everything to be about himself). The character, Gemini, remembered at the last moment what her actual form was, and tried to go for drama...
"Just... just look for the fox..." Accompanied by appropriate hacking and coughing, of course.
I was more than a little fed up with the player's antics, so I ruined the moment completely. The last thing Gemini heard was my Ranger, Colt, saying, "Hey, I can speak with animals -- maybe it'll be my next companion. I could call it Fluffy!" As I tried to come up with better names for the supposed new animal companion (Fuzzems, IckleWickleFoxy, those sorts of things), the player just sighed and let his character die.
Best time of my life, that one. |
Edited by - Riyoukaze on 12 Oct 2008 14:03:56 |
|
|
|
Nicolai Withander
Master of Realmslore
Denmark
1093 Posts |
Posted - 13 Oct 2008 : 07:37:12
|
A dwarf fighter 2ed... Encountering a white dragon i an ice cave... "White dragons are good right?"
Same dwarf in a Dark, noxios smelling corridor(GAS) " Im ligthing a touch"... Followed by party members going: "NOOOOOO" And the obious BOOOM
Paladin on a ship... " Are there any small children a can teach to read" Said in a very pedofile way! It was very funny!
Same paladin says to a burgler: " Why did you steal that loaf of bread?
- I was Hungry!
Paladin again - " But why?"
In a dragons lair: The oh so mighty wizard says bravely to his friends: " Get behind me" and steps forward. After which the dragon charges and swalows him hole!
And a last one: Halaster Blackcloak?... I can take him. My powers are cosmic! |
|
|
|
Rinonalyrna Fathomlin
Great Reader
USA
7106 Posts |
Posted - 14 Oct 2008 : 15:12:30
|
quote:
Originally posted by sfdragon
I wish you intelligence, because luck runs out faster than you think.( pr something like it) that dude in the mages tower in beregost bg
Thalantyr! I remember him. |
"Instead of asking why we sleep, it might make sense to ask why we wake. Perchance we live to dream. From that perspective, the sea of troubles we navigate in the workaday world might be the price we pay for admission to another night in the world of dreams."
--Richard Greene (letter to Time) |
|
|
|
khorne
Master of Realmslore
Finland
1073 Posts |
Posted - 14 Oct 2008 : 15:38:07
|
quote:
Originally posted by Markustay
"I don't care what your name is or what color your staff is, I'm going to do this thing even if I have to go through you"
Man, I can just imagine Khelben's face at being told this... |
If I were a ranger, I would pick NDA for my favorite enemy |
|
|
|
althen artren
Senior Scribe
USA
780 Posts |
Posted - 16 Mar 2009 : 02:05:58
|
I so wanted to resurrect this one.
I hope we have more to add.
My last group finds out there is a cave under a waterfall.
They didn't know it was filled with scrags.
The fighter/wizard/arcane archer/mystic knight (I am not a wizard, I possess a well-rounded education) goes:
Okay, I take off my armor and dive in the pond.
Three hits from scrags.
Okay, I cast lighting bolt!
Game over for him.
That night was a TPK! I was so proud |
|
|
|
Arion Elenim
Senior Scribe
933 Posts |
Posted - 16 Mar 2009 : 03:12:05
|
An old one from my first campaign:
JAYNAR: (at the lip of a parapet on a keep five stories high) Kay, so I tie the rope around my waist.
DM: Use Rope, please.
JAYNAR: (rolls) 15.
DM: Good. Now what?
JAYNAR: I take a deep breath and jump off.
DM: So...did you tie the other end of the rope to something?
JAYNAR: (sighing) Dammit. |
My latest Realms-based short story, about a bard, a paladin of Lathander and the letter of the law, Debts Repaid. It takes place before the "shattering" and gives the bard Arion a last gasp before he plunges into the present.http://candlekeep.com/campaign/logs/log-debts.htm |
|
|
|
Markustay
Realms Explorer extraordinaire
USA
15724 Posts |
Posted - 16 Mar 2009 : 03:12:57
|
Somewhwere, in the Underdark, a clueless wanders...
"Whats with the tentacles hanging from your face?"
"You guys are Dwarves? Didn't know you lived so deep... good thing I found a buncha nice fellers like you..."
"You get burned or sumthin? I ain't never seen an Elf like you before."
"Hey guys, we're in luck - at least we won't starve! I saw some REALLY HUGE catfish in that pond over there..." |
"I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me" --- Dudley Field Malone
|
Edited by - Markustay on 16 Mar 2009 03:13:15 |
|
|
|
Lady Fellshot
Senior Scribe
USA
379 Posts |
Posted - 16 Mar 2009 : 06:22:10
|
While acting as treasure salvagers, our sailboat attracted the attention of a kraken. In an unusual bout of self presevation, the party opted to flee. The kraken followed. Then the following words floated over the gaming table: "Can we drop the anchor on it?"
A very, very fortunate double critical roll later, we found out that one could indeed drop an anchor on a kraken. But trying to make landfall was really interesting with no anchor... |
|
|
|
Knight of the Gate
Senior Scribe
USA
624 Posts |
Posted - 16 Mar 2009 : 06:56:42
|
| The most commonly heard last words in Faerun: 'Does a 3 save?' |
How can life be so bountiful, providing such sublime rewards for mediocrity? -Umberto Ecco |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
Famous Last Words in the Realms!
