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riot the outsider
Learned Scribe
USA
121 Posts |
 Posted - 19 Feb 2008 : 04:23:45
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Who here liked Erik Scott De Bie's The Greater Teasure? Well I like it so I wrote a contuation to it. I have sent it to Erik first so he could read it and I to get his thoughts on it.He liked, it so here is the continuation to The Greatest Treasure (The Greater Treasure was written by Erik Scott De Bie). (I have fixed what I spot was wrong added a little to it as well.) Enjoy.
The greater Treasure
Golden blood
By: riot the outsider
"Its been years now." " That I've heard stories about the legend of the Red sun elf." " I know that sounds strange a red sun elf." " When told the stories something struck me about about them something from my passed." The thing that struck me was the reason why this sun elf was killing","no!" "slaughtering." " Wizards,sorcerers,and the cult groups." " Anyone who served or worshiped." "Graz'zt! the evil dark god." " The reason," "He searches for his lost sister who joined Graz'zt's order."
" Now he roams the land killing and searching for his sister to bring her back to him,and thristing for revenage on Graz'zt."
The night was damp of mist as the sun elf Ylder sat in the dark,musky,mucky molt water of the tower he had come to climb, still searching for his sister lost to him by Graz'zt the dark evil god.
Why had Ylder become so violent,savage,and blood thristy for cultist blood and death.Cause to him it was them that he lost his sister shattered his being when she turned her back on him when he did not answer her question of her or Twilight, sents he stayed quiet she assumed he chosed Twilight. Ylder pleaded with her but she turn her back on him never looking back. Ylder thought, a spell on her thats why she denied me my call to her."
" I know it." " If I have to search for all my life, I will win her back from them." " Death to Graz'zt and all who serve him"
Ylder stealthly snuck into the upper halls of the tower, inside was a set of stairs spirling downward towards the center of the tower.Making his way to the lower part of the tower to the dungeon.
" That theif better have not lied about this place." Ylder thought not, the dungeon long dank,full of spider webs and the stench of blood from sacerfies and full of twists and turns a person could get lost and never find his way out. Good thing Ylder bought a map of the tower and dungeon from that theif that told him about this place of Graz'zt's followers. Something did flicker in his mind about the theif a red sarclet glove on the theifs right hand that went up to the elbow.
Ylder ascending farther into the tunnels of the catacombs under the tower, thinking more and more about the theif. The theif's thin frame and short height made him think of someone but who the image in Ylders mind was lost to him of who it could be.
Ylder abanded the thought and continued to focus on the task at hand finding his sister." How long do these tunnels go on for." Ylder checked the map again in the dim light from the torches hanging on the walls." Alright not much farther here are where the torches are and thats were I am now. Putting away the map Ylder could since the smell of blood and gore had grown as it now clung to the inside of his nosterils.Ylder standing up from his croutched postition on the ground, saw something black,shadowy even a beast, no " I guess I'm not the only one here." " You there."
Ylder whisper as not to catch anyone else attention.
" Wait,and be very quiet and still Gargan." Twilight said to Gargan in his native language that Twilight knew from her adventuring. " Your size could get us in trouble." Gargan being a goliath,didn't make it any easier for him to be quiet but he tried.Twilight had aquired her companion after they had escaped the depth of an upside down lost dungeon, to most, of what some would say madness,Gargan thought his destinty would lie with her some how.
After escaping,Twilight started to hear rumors and storsies about the Golden blood.A sun elf ravaging and ridden the land of wizards,sorcerers and cult followers of Graz'zt searching for his sister. None who told the stories knew his sisters name but Twilight knew exactly who they where talking about.
She set out along with her new companion Gargan the goliath.Going from town to town searching for Ylder. After two month she had caught up with Ylder,after he had killed one of three wizards bestowing the mark of Graz'zt on there robes.
The wizards put up at good fight but they weren't the only ones who knew magic,Ylder disarmed them of there staffs and spell books and offer them a trade there lives for any information they could give him about his sister or Graz'zt's fellow followers.
" We know not sir sun elf." " None of us do," We are just low level servents to Graz'zt"
Ylder knew they were lieing. He drew his sword put it to one of the wizards chins and thrusted foward putting a shock in the wizards eyes.As Ylder stared at the wizard he withdrew his blade and turn his back to the others to gaze at the sun in the sky." I really don't want to kill any of you, just tell me what I want to know."
One of the wizard a young one as he was, did not want to die opened his mouth to say something but was silents by a faint whisper from one of the others " Lord Graz'zt will get you for betyral." Ylder heard him and spun around blade out streched and slicing off the wizards head who had spoken those words.
" Talk or you'll be next." the young wizard talked saying all he knew.Ylder as he said let them go.
Thats when Twilight devised a plan to insure she would not lose Ylder. Buying her and Gargan some hooded cloaks she had snuck into the tower that was rumored to have been bulit for a knew follower of Graz'zt.It was a gift to his knew bride.
Twilight slipping in steathly with a slight boost form Gargan walked all the halls and floors of this massive creatation bulit by Graz'zt's followers for his new bride. Memerizing all the twists and turns which wasn't hard for Twilight to do since she was a theif. Drawing out all the tunnels and floors and than slipping out again with out being seen." Now to find a way to give this to Ylder."
Ylder now steping towards the shadowy figure drew his sword ready for anything to come.
Reaching the end of the tunnel Ylder looked left then right to asure no one was waiting for him to do a suprise attack on him. He saw no one. The shadowy figure right in front of him now face to face. suddenly a cloaked figure sprang from a shadow slicing and slashing at Ylder,Ylder trying madly to defend himself from this cloaked assalient thinking it was a creature produced by a spell to defend these halls that ment to him he was close to some worth guarding.
The figure spring off the wall at him dagger aimed at his throat.Ylder parried and took two steps back than spun around throwing his oppoient off thrusting and putting the tip of of his sword in the back of his enemy. " Down to your knees if you have any." Ylder chimed " I have you."
" Do you now." Said the cloak figure Ylder was caught off guard by that voice he knew that voice, a memory flared in his mind. Using the tip of his blade he cut the back of the cloak and there was a tattoo only one person he knew had.
"Twilight!" Gargan half yelled slowly running to her aid."Its ok Gargan she said in his tounge,This is Ylder the one we have planned to meet here." " The Red sun elf."
"What do you mean meet me here." Ylder exclaimed. Twilight told her story about the depths and about Gargan and how she found out about his legend and how she caught up to him. "So your the one who sold me the map." " Yep!" " That means Gargan was the tall one you passed as a man to me that was with you when I bought the map." " Right." Ylder drawing all he had been told started to wonder way Twilight had followed and helped him.
" Why did and are you helping me." " Well I missed you, and cause I think it was partly my fault for you loseing your sister." " Plus I was bored." Ylder knowing she was a liar knew there was more to why she came his way. But didn't dismiss the whole fact of her missing him.
" This way." Twilight show the rest of the way to through the rest of the tunnels to end up in a bunch of other halls with chamber doors going up and down both sides of the hall. " Where are we." Ylder asked Twilight didn't know." This wasn't on your map?!" " I know,I don't know this part either." Somethings up." " Maybe we passed through an illusion." Ylder drew his sword.Twilight her rapier and dagger.Gargan trailing behind.
" Wait." Ylder whispered. The sent of blood was heavy on the air now. " Smell that?" " Yeah but this whole place smells of blood." " Not as strong as it is now." " what do you mean?" Twilight asked " I can taste iron when I breath." " What?!" " When you've done this long enough you get a sent for for it like a dog." Twilight had never seen Ylder like this before maybe the lose of his sister had changed him to what the legend had said.
The two followed Ylder to where the blood smelled as fresh as morning bread.A alter was raised in the big empty like room surrounded by Graz'zt's followers dressed in black robes and chanting in worship to Graz'zt.On the alter stood a tall golden pale sun elf.With a mark on her back of a large six finger hand the mark of Graz'zt.
Ylder charged into the room not thinking slicing through the robed men as if they weren't there.
some tried to use there spells they knew but Gargan would grab them first ripping them limb from limb like goats.Twilight joined in. taking two robed men out.
" STOP!" Bolts of lighting crashed. some of the robed men lay slaughter on the stone floor of the dungeon others were laying next to bodies of the ones that were given to Graz'zt.Gargan and Twilght stood next to each other.Ylder turned to see what he had been searching for all this time.
"Cythara?!" Ylder showed a quick smile then strolled towards the alter towards his lost sister he had search for for so long. " Stop where you are brother if it is right that I call you that." " Ylder was shocked by his sistrs respondse to him but than he remember the spell they put her under and why he came here in the first place.
" I see you still are with your moon elf." "Cythara I have fought for to long to find you and ..." Yes I know brother of your pilt and how you think I'm under a spell,I came of my own free will." " But cythara..." No buts about it brother I care not for what you have done to come here and find me and not for what you have to say." Ylder recoiled in his mind at what his sister had said to him just now. " Sister!" " Don't call me that,you chose to abandon our family tie when you chose that moon elf.
With Ylders last plead he was rejected and cast aside.Cythara walking now around the room her back with the mark of Graz'zt exposed through her backless black dress. " Now all I care about is power,power to rule with Graz'zt."" And later all of Faerun." " How would you do that?" asked Twilight " Oh the moon elf speaks." " With this to start." Just as she was about to show what was in her hand something stoped her blood dripped from her mouth to the floor. In her hand she grasped Ylder's sword straight through her gut." I won't let you." pulling back his sword he watched her fall. " Brother how could you do this to your own sister?" " My sister died back along time ago."
Ylder turned around and saw nothing of Twilight or Gargan. What ever Cythara had in her hand was now gone as well. Ylder guessed Twilight took it when it scidded across the stone floor.Being the theif that she is. Ylder didn't even look back to see his sisters body laying there one last time in memory. Just made his way back towards the top of the tower.
Making his way back to the wall he had climb to get up here,on one of the walls was a note.
Written on it were the words Farewell and Remember..Off in the distance he could see a tall wide shadow with some thing on its shoulder. Ylder smiled a slit smile and sheded a single tear.
Mod Edit: Shifted to a more appropriate shelf.
Mod Edit II: Altered scroll title to something more descriptive of its content.
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Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do. http://s13.gladiatus.com/game/c.php?uid=67846
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Edited by - riot the outsider on 02 Apr 2008 05:27:00
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unknown warrior
Acolyte
USA
41 Posts |
Posted - 20 Feb 2008 : 04:20:24
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| very good. Keep writting. |
Don't stand in my way. |
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Erik Scott de Bie
Forgotten Realms Author
USA
4598 Posts |
Posted - 22 Feb 2008 : 19:44:30
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It's very flattering that my story inspired you to write more about this story/characters, and it's interesting to see where you take it.
I highly encourage you to keep practicing!
Cheers |
Erik Scott de Bie
'Tis easier to destroy than to create.
Author of a number of Realms novels (GHOSTWALKER, DEPTHS OF MADNESS, and the SHADOWBANE series), contributor to the NEVERWINTER CAMPAIGN GUIDE and SHADOWFELL: GLOOMWROUGHT AND BEYOND, Twitch DM of the Dungeon Scrawlers, currently playing "The Westgate Irregulars" |
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Silverwulf
Acolyte
USA
9 Posts |
Posted - 22 Apr 2008 : 01:57:43
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| WoW keep writting my friend. |
I do not speak my sword speaks for me. |
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MerrikCale
Senior Scribe
USA
947 Posts |
Posted - 30 Jun 2008 : 18:00:57
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| I loved the Greater Treasure myself |
When hinges creak in doorless chambers and strange and frightening sounds echo through the halls, whenever candlelights flicker where the air is deathly still, that is the time when ghosts are present, practicing their terror with ghoulish delight. |
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Brynweir
Senior Scribe
USA
436 Posts |
Posted - 07 Sep 2008 : 20:19:47
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I know that you have asked for comments on your writing in another story, and I'll just say that the same comments apply here rather than repeating them all.
The ideas you have presented have merit, but I get a little lost as I read because of the organization of it all. I like the story and it has an unexpected end. I think it would be better with more build up... more description leading to his decision to kill his sister. Just a thought. Keep practicing. |
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'The Greater Treasure' continued...
