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Mikayla
Acolyte
USA
20 Posts |
 Posted - 31 May 2003 : 01:13:01
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[EDIT TO INCLUDE WARNING OF SPOILERS FOR "CONDEMNATION"]
As those of you who read my comments in the "Condemnation" thread know, I had a few issues with some details of that book. So, I have taken on a similar project (completed during my lunch..).
"Confusion of the Spider Queen", Book I, "Inconsistency"
Ghilanna Tlabbar, Matron Mother of House Faen Tlabbar, third House of Menzoberranzan awoke with a start and sat up in bed. A noise that sounded like chanting was coming from the main chapel below her. Odd, there should not be any chanting going on in there without her. Quickly, though with the grace of a hunting cat, she slipped out of bed and donned a white silk robe that contrasted nicely with her indigo-black skin. Feeling the need to move quickly, but no real danger, Ghilanna stepped into a pair of fuzzy warm slippers made to look like cute little bugbear faces. She picked up scragtooth, an enchanted, poisonous dagger that had been her mother’s favorite weapon. Armed with this veritable artifact of death and with her feet snugly protected from the cold stone floor by her fuzzy bugbear slippers, Ghilanna made her way downstairs to see what the all the racket was about.
As she walked into the chapel she saw an unfamiliar drow woman clad in an emerald gown, holding a wand and sitting on Ghilanna’s throne.
Ghilanna walked up, scragtooth in hand, and asked slowly “who in the abyss are you are what are you doing sitting on my throne?”
The drow woman, looked up incredulously and replied with a question of her own “Who are YOU to ask me who I am sitting on MY throne?”
“Huh?” Ghilanna responded. “I asked first.”
The simple trick question threw the seated woman for a loop. “Oh, fine. I am Vadalma, once 5th daughter of House Faen Tlabbar, now Matron.”
Ghilanna blinked in surprise “What? I am Matron…wait a moment. How did you get to be Matron?”
“An assassin killed Matron Mother Ghenni, and I, her fifth daughter, prevailed over the other four daughters of the house without a written explanation.”
“Matron Ghenni? There is no Matron Ghenni. There was a Matron Ghenni’tiroth, she was my mother. She WAS assassinated, but it was fourteen years ago in 1358 – and the assassin was Matron Kyorl Odoran of House Odoran, and well, they got 'de-Odorized' by the Spider Queen’s tentacle.”
“Tentacle?” Vadalma asked. “That does not really seem in keeping with the whole spider motif?”
“Yeah I know, but look, forget that, lets get back to this whole ‘you think you are matron’ thing. Now, this Matron Ghenni, is that supposed to be my mom, Ghenni’tiroth?”
Vadalma looked confused, “well, yes I think so”.
“Really?” Ghilanna asked. “Well, when she died, did you pick up her dagger, Scragtooth?”
“Scragtooth? What is that?” Vadalma asked.
“You do not know what Scragtooth is? What in the name of Lolth is going on here, this is all wrong.”
At that precise moment, a Faen Tlabbar House Wizard of no-impressive skill was suddenly imbued with a flash of inspiration. “What plane of existence are you from?” His question went out to both women.
Ghilanna answered first “The combined plane of Salvatore and Cunningham”.
Vadalma then realized the nature of the question and also responded “Oh, I am from the plane of Richard Baker.”
Suddenly it was all clear – they were from parallel universes. Similar, but different. With that question solved, both women immediately turned and struck at the foolish male wizard, who, while useful and correct, had spoken out of turn and naturally deserved to die.
As the hapless male crumpled to the floor, Ghilanna turned her attention back to Vadalma. “So, you did not get a Scragtooth of your own? What did you get?”
Vadalma smiled wickedly, “well, I got this nifty wand, and this haute couture emerald dress, which only had to be mended in one spot because the assassin’s blade was so precise.”
“Emerald? Our mother never wore emerald, she wore white. Well, anyway, is the wand deadly? Will its mere touch end life painfully?” Ghilanna wondered if it was the equal of Scragtooth.
“Well, I think I badly hurt the assassin with it when he escaped!” Vadalma said proudly.
“Oh,” Ghilanna replied, “you hurt him “badly”? Oh good, I would not want to think that an assassin could breach Qu’ellar Faen Tlabbar, murder the matron mother, and not get away without at least getting ‘badly hurt’” Ghilanna just rolled her eyes.
Vadalma on the other hand squinted; “Are you mocking me?”
Ghilanna shook her head. “No, certainly not, it just feels that way because I am making pointed sarcastic jests at your expense.”
Vadalma smiled “Ok, good then, I…..” Vadalma frowned “Hey! Well miss-superior-just-because-she-picked-up-mom’s-pocket-knife, did you ‘badly hurt’ Kyorl when she killed mom? Hmm?”
“Uh,…. good point.”
“Oh, and the assassin also killed Sil’zet” Vadalma offered.
“Who is Sil’zet?”
“Sil’zet is our sister.”
“I have a sister named Sil’zet?” Ghilanna asked.
“No, Sil’zet is dead. Don’t be daft.”
“Huh?”
“Exactly” Vadalma sat back quite pleased with herself.
“Well you’re fat.” Ghilanna said. “We Faen Tlabbar women were universally described as tall and slender and beautiful, and we like to wear white to contrast with our skin, well, sometimes, you know, when we are not wearing black to match our skin. But you are short and fat and wearing green.”
“Yes, well, in my world, Richard Baker does not give a dire rat’s dire a** about your world, or you bunch of skinny, basketball playing freaks. And I am not fat, I am, like mom, ‘voluptuous’”.
With that, Ghilanna launched scragtooth at Vadalma who received the blade right through her heart though Ghilanna had aimed it at her throat – it seemed the Tlabbar Matron’s were predisposed to a genetic flaw which unnaturally drew all attacks straight to their heart.
Ghilanna stepped forward and pushed the dying Vadalma out of the throne, then realized she was getting blood on her favorite bugbear slippers. "Ewww" was all she had to say about that.
As Vadalma fell, she looked up at Ghilanna. “You cannot really kill me you know.”
“Why not?” Ghilanna asked.
“Because Salvatore is not writing the next book in the series, and it appears the people writing the series do not have to know anything about the drow or what happened in earlier books. They will forget, or maybe never even read about you killing me.” Vadalma laughed an evil laugh.
“But wait” Ghilanna said, “if that is true, then they will forget about both of us.”
At that precise moment, another drow female walked up. She was clad in blue and was neither tall nor voluptuous but pretty all the same.
“I am the daughter of the recently assassinated Matron of Faen Tlabbar, Matron Ghen. A demon stabbed her through her heart. What are you two doing on my throne?”………..
((To Richard Baker if you read this, I apologize for the parody, but I just could not resist. Please don't hate me. I am not as mean as I first seem....ok...I probably am. C'est la vie.))
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Edited by - Mikayla on 31 May 2003 02:43:00
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Bookwyrm
Great Reader
USA
4740 Posts |
Posted - 31 May 2003 : 03:12:44
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| Heh. Funny. Wierd, but funny all the same. |
Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.
Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more. |
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Artalis
Senior Scribe
USA
444 Posts |
Posted - 31 May 2003 : 03:32:24
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Hysterical
I love it.
You have a singular wit Mikayla
Nicely done.
*walks off chuckling to himself, "fuzzy bugbear slippers, hahaha" |
Artalis
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The Sage
Procrastinator Most High
Australia
31727 Posts |
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eilinel
Learned Scribe
France
296 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jun 2003 : 15:27:46
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| well, did u do others like this one? |
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Bookwyrm
Great Reader
USA
4740 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jun 2003 : 16:23:13
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| Didn't we say that already? |
Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.
Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more. |
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Mikayla
Acolyte
USA
20 Posts |
Posted - 12 Jun 2003 : 21:29:25
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Sorry all, I got distracted - Chapter 2 of the Parody is on its way (as soon as I get a truly free lunch hour).
Now that I have bashed the book something good (and I will continue to do so) I will say something GOOD about it - I like the fact that the book actually tries to develop one of the Lolthian Priestesses as a character, and not just another monster to be killed by Drizzt or whoever. Hallistra, who seems to be more or less the focal point of this book in the series, takes some shape as a more well rounded individual. This echoes what occured in Elaine Cunningham's book Windwalker in which Shakti Hunzrin becomes more than just a punching bag for Liriel. To this I say "YAY!"
Ok, now back to bashing them all because I am jealous they get to write about drow for a living while I am stuck practicing law.... ughh.... 
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Bookwyrm
Great Reader
USA
4740 Posts |
Posted - 13 Jun 2003 : 00:44:04
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It takes an author who is consious of every point of his story to develop an enemy as a person, and not an enemy. Most authors simply can't do this. Granted, usually it's because not too many people think about it. You always spend the most time on the good guys. And most of the time, you don't even notice, because the reader is the same way. Good guys are good, bad guys are there to be booed down.
I love it, though, when I catch myself rooting for the bad guys in some way. After all, if it's a bad guy, then I'm supposed to be looking for him to fail. But if I fall into the mindset of thinking "No, do it this way" or "Gee, too bad he didn't catch that spy" then I know that the author is doing an excellent job.
The best person I know of to do this is my all-time favorite author and literary hero, David Weber. He can get you rooting for the bad guys without you knowing it, and even wondering if the bad guys really are bad guys. Most of all, he makes every enemy human, and not a faceless monster. Even the vilest enemy has comes across as human.
Read his books, I implore you. Even though he's mostly a military science fiction author (he has written two fantasies, though), he's not to be missed even if you don't read that stuff. Or at least give him a chance.
And if you don't want to shell out money for a book you're not sure about, there are the first two books of his best series, as well as both fantasies, available for FREE download over at Baen Publishing's [emphasis]Free Library[/emphasis]. No cost to download, little time spent, great reward. Try it. Trust me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get to dusting the shelves. I'm sure Alaundo's going to assign them to me anyway after this lengthy plug, and I might as well get a head start . . . .
(Then again . . . maybe Alaundo will be caught up in reading some Weber anyway, and completely forget.  One can only hope . . . .) |
Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.
Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more. |
Edited by - Bookwyrm on 13 Jun 2003 00:46:26 |
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Confusion of the Spider Queen, Book I
