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Charles Phipps
Master of Realmslore
1425 Posts |
 Posted - 07 Jan 2007 : 23:42:03
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I've decided to create this thread in celebration of the fact that my longest lived adventuring group was never able to take their experiences in the Realms entirely seriously. They weren't able to treat Eberron any better but it was Toril that they cut their teeth on doing the most ridiculous things imaginable.
Everyone is welcome to post their own humorous moments from the game but here's a selection of the ten strangest moments from our game. The difference between this and stupidity being that the players were deliberately going for a laugh.
Some of these I played into but most of these were ad-libbed in game.
10. Elminster finally explains what we've all been wondering
Elminster: That's why lads I need you to break into Zhentil Keep with these magical items I'm providing and steal the Staff of Dragon control that Manshoon has created.
Rose the Bard: *raises hand* A question O'Sage of Shadowdale?
Elminster: Very well, why do women get all the yummy bits on a body?
Rose the Bard: Seriously man, quit it. At least polymorph yourself into someone whose not an octagenarian when you say stuff like that.
Elminster: Nine hundred years old actually. But yes, spit it out Bard.
Rose the Bard: Why exactly do we, a relatively nameless group of sellswords, get saddled with these world shattering quests when people like you sit around despite your godlike power?
Elminster: Well, I just mentioned I'm nine hundred years old lad didn't I?
Rose: I'm an elf. I'm over a century. Lad does not apply.
Elminster: Awww the cute widdle elf is playing grownup.
*party snickers at the bard*
Rose the Bard: Go on.
Elminster: I got this old by sending people like YOU to do it! If I actively adventured, I wouldn't have lasted past a century.
9. Meeting King Azoun for the First Time
Sir Thomas the Purple Dragon: Very well, one must observe the proper protocal when speaking with his Majesty the King. As a member of the Royal Knighthood, I am well aware of his majesty's habits.
Rose: Which are?
Sir Thomas the Purple Dragon: One, do not comment on the fact that he has been drinking and is in an extremely inebriated state when he's addressing us.
Rose: It's ten in the morning.
Sir Thomas the Purple Dragon: Believe me, that won't change anything.
Imzel the Sorceress: Alright.
Sir Thomas the Purple Dragon: Next, don't comment on the fact several naked women are probably going to be around his throne.
Rose: He and A-Lust-riel go to the same school of rulership I see.
Sir Thomas the Purple Dragon: Yes, I'm sure she's never heard that pun before. Third, if he vomits on your shoes don't comment. The Royal Wizard will replace them.
Rose: I'm not sure I want to meet this fellow.
Musim the Ranger: Anything else?
Sir Thomas the Purple Dragon: At some point, he may put on a very bad disguise. Probably just a cloak and a bad dye job of his beard to join our adventuring party. If he does so, just play along and let him be in charge. The War Wizards will drag him away after a couple of days and replace all the lost coin, meat, and destroyed equipment.
OOCPlayer: Are we meeting the King or Keith Richards?
8. Baldur's Gate
Rose: Okay, so what do we know about this place?
Imzel: You will never find the more wretched hive of scum or villainy.
Rose: You said that about Luskan, Westgate, and certain portions of Waterdeep.
Imzel: The Sword Coast is not exactly briming with respectability.
Rose: What I want to know is who the hell this Baldur guy is.
Musim: Hmmm?
Rose: We've got Baldur, Artemis, and plenty of other folk whose names sound mythological but no gods remotely similiar to them.
Musim: You think too much on this sort of thing.
Rose: Yeah Yeah, I'm hesitant to enter this place. I've heard you just randomly walk into an Inn and you'll get involved in some random plot that ultimately reveals you to be a child of Bhaal.
Imzel: I'm sure that's only happened once.
Rose: Then why does every adventurer I meet have that exact same story?
7. Meeting Drizzt Do'urden
Drizzt Do'Urden: Halt, I am Drizzt Do'Urden. Do not fear me for I bring you no ill will. I merely come to speak to you regarding a dire threat to the North. You may fear me because of my dark skin but....
Rose: .....Uhh you're Drizzt Do'urden.
Drizzt Do'Urden: So I have said.
Rose: Not to put too fine a POINT on it but you're kinda famous. The whole huge Crystal Tower thing. The slaying of the world's largest Shadowdragon. Pirate hunting on the Sword Coast for seven years. Balor killer....
Drizzt Do'Urden: Many have heard such tales but continue to dis...
Rose: Admittedly, you can never tell an imposter from the real thing. There's like four hundred drow males fleeing the Underdark and trying to pass themselves off as you. Wielding twin scimitars, getting cats in various states of training. Some of them don't even know how to use a blade.
Drizzt Do'Urden: About the threat to the North....
Musim: We do not judge you by your skin. Now if you were a filthy, filthy goblin, that would be different.
6. The uselessness of Bards
Rose: As the Bard, it's my purpose in this party to do all the talking.
Musim: I am a noble and respected warrior.
Imzel: I am a sorceress of great diplomacy!
Zasheria: I'm a holy woman of Ilmater!
Rose: Listen, it boils down to this, who else can convince a group of seasoned warriors to take on a travelling musician and give them part of their hard won booty for mostly staying in the back?
5. East meets West
Rose the Bard: So I understand you're from another continent entirely Fuje.
Fuji the Samurai: Hai.
Rose the Bard: You've travelled thousands of miles, braved the Tugian Horde territories, crossed the Thayan mountains, and the heartlands solely to improve your skill with a sword?
Fuji the Samurai: Yes.
Rose the Bard: So what's your first observation.
Fuji the Samurai: The women in your land are very different from those in mine.
Rose the Bard: They're less submissive and not as bound by etiquette?
Fuji the Samurai: No, they actually age past high school and wear things other than fetish sailor uniforms.
Sakura the Henchgirl: *GLOMP* HI!
Rose the Bard: Uh...huh.
Fuji the Samurai: In our land of Kara Tur, warriors are ridiculously stylized and able to perform absurd feats of strength but frequently prone to long and ridiculous soliquoys on death amidst cherry blossoms that come from nowhere.
Rose the Bard: Yeah, we pretty much just stick each other with sharp metal objects here.
Fuji the Samurai: Very refreshing.
4. Meeting Fzoul Chembyrl for the First Time
Fzoul: Alright, so you've come into my home and killed my guards while attempting to loot my treasures. You destroyed holy constructs of Bane and during the Time of Troubles were no end of difficulty for me and my men.
Rose: I don't suppose you're going to put us in an easily escapable death trap before leaving us?
Fzoul: No. You see, I'm not like other priests of the Lord of Tyrants whom just get their jollies by lording over blood sacrifices. I worked my way up from being the priest of a band of mercenaries up until I became the Chosen of Bane himself. Frequently being treated as a heretic and enemy of the faith's leader.
Rose: You're going to torture us with your life story? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Fzoul: That was a torch to your groin regions. No, my friend, your punishment is going to be much worse. I'm going to geas you. A willing quest that will be unable to be broken by any magic because you're going to invariably choose to do it rather than suffer the torture I'll inflict upon you until you do. You're going to hunt down enemies of my faith in Cyricists, Sharists, and putrid scum that stands between me and my Order's ascendancy.
Rose: Uh thank you?
Fzoul: My punishment is going to be that the standard of Bane will fly high and proudly across the Moonshaes region with everyone knowing that it was the Iron Tyrant's agents that brought peace and stability through bloodshed and through my mercy that law was brought unto this place. My vengeance will be no one whom has ever opposed us will trust you again.
Rose's Player: I'll avoid saying a loud how I really couldn't care less while nodding vigorously to the crazy priest.
3. Explaining Experience Points in Character
Fuji: I must continue to increase my skills through battle with live targets.
Imzel: Can't you just practice?
Fuji: No. The same reasons that Mages must go out in the world to practice their spell on living enemies.
Imzel: I never quite understood that.
Fuji: Nothing pleases the gods more than battle and in each living being there is a small selection of Ki energy. By taking the life of other and more powerful beings, a portion of that ki energy is channeled over. That is why that those whom have slaughtered great numbers of powerful foes tend to be more intelligent, charismatic, and able to endure much more punishment than those who do not.
Imzel: That's insane.
Fuji: No, what's insane is it also makes them better at crafts as well as social interaction.
2. Membership in the Harpers
Rose: We've been given membership in the Harpers.
Imzel: The what?
Rose: It's this club for arrogant loners that have a vague commitment to freedom and defeating evil. All of them go on missions for themselves and do almost zero to help each other.
Imzel: ....that doesn't sound very useful.
Rose: Well we'll get to be ordered around by Archmages like Elminster and Khelben.
Imzel: THEY DO THAT NOW!
1. Comparing the sexual prowess of canon NPCs
Rose: Yes, I've been with six of the Seven Sisters.
Fuji: Only six?
Rose: Yeah, I'm not going to risk trying anything with the Simbul. I don't think it'll be worth it if she puts me through a wall because I rolled over on her during my sleep.
Imzel: Did Khelben mind you were with Larael?
Rose: It was from her 'Naked Crazy Woman wearing a evil magical artifact' days. I may be her child's father.
Imzel: No wonder you avoid Waterdeep.
Musim: I was with Princess Allusair.
Rose: So has every adventurer of the Heartlands...and I don't mean just men. Much like Alustriel, Allusair is wonderful and beautiful but you don't necessarily know where she's been....
Imzel: Much like her father.
*Everyone looks at her oddly*
Rose: As a bard, it's my place to seduce the villainesses holding me hostage.* Scyulla Darkhope isn't the prettiest girl around but certainly a wildcat.
Imzel: Much like Fzoul.
*Everyone looks at her oddly*
Rose: We didn't want to hear about Elminster, we don't want to hear about that.
Imzel: Please, as if I'd ever sleep with Elminster.
Rose: Thank you.
Imzel: Khelban on the other hand.
* This was before Order of the Stick I'm surprised to say.
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My Blog: http://unitedfederationofcharles.blogspot.com/
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Edited by - Charles Phipps on 07 Jan 2007 23:49:58
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Pasta Fzoul
Seeker
USA
79 Posts |
Posted - 08 Jan 2007 : 00:05:30
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Quite funny 
The kind of things players in more staid games are thinking, but afraid to say. |
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Kaladorm
Master of Realmslore
United Kingdom
1176 Posts |
Posted - 08 Jan 2007 : 02:26:07
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That's awesome, I loved it 
Particularly....
quote:
Rose: Listen, it boils down to this, who else can convince a group of seasoned warriors to take on a travelling musician and give them part of their hard won booty for mostly staying in the back?
LOL |
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WalkerNinja
Senior Scribe
USA
575 Posts |
Posted - 08 Jan 2007 : 13:37:29
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| very cool |
*** A Forgotten Realms Addict since 1990 ***
Treasures of the Past, a Second Edition Play-by-Post game for and by Candlekeep Sages--http://www.rpol.net/game.cgi?gi=52011 |
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Charles Phipps
Master of Realmslore
1425 Posts |
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Markustay
Realms Explorer extraordinaire
USA
15724 Posts |
Posted - 10 Jan 2007 : 06:17:36
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Priceless Moment:
I was running a game for my brother-in-law and his friends, who were all around 18-20 years old. My 13 year old son wanted to learn how to play, so I took him along. My bro-in-law wasn't thrilled with playing with a 'kid' but his friends didn't mind at all. My bro-in-law (Eric) is a VERY serious player, and the night went something like this.
DM: "After sneeking up on the enemy stronghold, you notice there are many gaurds patrolling around the walls and near the gate. They have the look of professional soldiers about them, and all are well armed and armored."
Eric: "I look around to try to see if there is any way in besides the front gate"
DM (Me): "From where you are standing you can see no other entrances, do you wish to circle around and look further?"
Eric: "Ummm... are there lots of gaurds patrolling the walls?
DM: "Yes, many, in groups of two"
Eric: "How high is the wall?"
DM: "Twenty feet"
Eric to fellow players: "Okay guys, maybe we can time it between...."
My Son (Playing a bararian): "I run at the gaurds at the gate"
Eric: "Gah!!! What are you doing!?"
My Son: "I'm a barbarian"
Other Players: "We run to help him"
Eric: "No! Wait! We need a plan!"
Eric having no other recourse joins in the fray, and soon the gaurds have overpowered them and beaten them senseless. They are taken prisoner and get locked in a cell to await the return of the commander. I describe to them that they are all waking up with headaches and are locked up.
Eric (to my son): "Why the hell did you do that?!"
My Son: "We're inside now, right?"
Other Players: "He's got a point..."
Eric: "Yeah, but we're locked up! Can you use your thieving skills to get us out of here?"
Thief: "Maybe, but they took all our stuff. I don't have any lockpicks."
Eric: "Is there anything in here besides us?"
DM: "Just some rats running around, thats about it."
My Son: "I try to catch a rat"
Eric: (shakes his head at my son) "Anyone else have any ideas?"
Everyone proceeds to try several things, from bending the bars to ramming the gate to lifting the gate off the hinges, all to no avail. I turn to my son...
DM: "You've caught a rat." (mind you, I have no idea what he's doing this for)
My Son: "I eat it."
Other Players: (all laugh)
Eric: (grossed out) "Why would you DO THAT?!"
My Son: "I'm hungry"
Eric: "How do you know you character's hungry?"
My Son: "Because we marched through those woods all day and got captured and then we were knocked out for awhile so I figure we must be hungry by now"
DM: "He's got a point, you guys are all starting to feel your bellies grumbling"
Eric: "Oh great...."
The thief: "I start looking for a rat too"
Others: "Me too!"
Eric: "Guys...."
DM: "You do realize that the gaurds took away anything you may have made a fire with?"
My Son: "I eat it RAW"
Eric: "Thats disgusting!"
My Son: "I'm a barbarian."
Eric refused to try to catch a rat, but he friends all kept trying (I rolled some dice). In the meantime my son finished his meal.
DM (still rolling dice, to my son): "Your done, what do you do now?"
My Son: "Is there anything left?"
DM: "Just some bones and fur..."
My Son: "What kind of bones?"
DM: (I have NO IDEA what he is going for here) "A skull, maybe some ribs...."
My Son: "How big are the ribs?"
DM: "About the size of a pin, maybe"
My Son: "I look for a decent size one that isn't broken"
DM: (I'm assuming he is going to pick his teeth with it) "You find one"
My Son: "Hey thief! You think you could use this to pick the lock?"
Thief: (excitedly) "I could try"
DM: (I am floored by this) "Ummm... I say you can try it, but with a -4 penalty...."
He tries, and he makes the roll! The party begins to shuffle out of the cell, and conveniently finds there belongings in the next room.
Party: "Heh! Now we're in and have our stuff, this is GREAT!"
DM: "What do you guys do next?"
My Son: "I stick my tongue at Uncle Eric's character"
My brother-in-law didn't speak much for the rest of the adventure, but my son and HIS friends had a blast. They beat the bad guy and made off with the secret plans, and a good time was had by all. The next time he asked me to DM I asked if I could bring my son again, but he said "I don't think that would be a good idea, I don't think my friends really want him around".
Yeah, RIGHT....
Needless to say I didn't run an adventure for them that night, nor ever again, but the look on his face when the thief picked the lock with the rat rib will be a memory I'll always cherish. 
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"I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me" --- Dudley Field Malone
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Charles Phipps
Master of Realmslore
1425 Posts |
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Charles Phipps
Master of Realmslore
1425 Posts |
Posted - 10 Jan 2007 : 22:24:45
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This is an adaptation of a real session only slightly modified.
R-1 Ruins of the Rakashasa Module
Lilly: So it's a trilogy of 1st Edition modules that have been updated for 3rd edition?
Kerrith: Yep! It's a fantastic work that's become a megamodule boxed set that will chronicle our journey from 1st to 20th level!
Lilly: Hold on! First level?
Kerrith: Oh it's not so bad!
*Random encounter: Housecat*
Kerrith: OH :censored: It's a housecat!
Lilly:....yeah?
Kerrith: Dude, housecats can kill the average commoner! I'm a wizard, that's only 1d4 hit points at the start!
Lilly: Uh huh.
Aline: It's cute!
Kerrith: *starts frantically casting magic missle*
Aline: KAWAIIIIII! :cloud nine:
*cuddles it*
Lilly: Man, low levels suck in D&D.
Later
Aline: Oh hush! It wasn't like you had that many hit points to heal anyway.
*Kerrith is covered in bandages*
Kerrith: It mauled me!
Dungeon Master: You find yourself in the village Hommlet. A town of four hundred and thirty souls occupying a 300 foot by 300 foot space with...
Lilly: Four hundred people occupy a football field's worth of space permanently?
Dungeon Master: That's what it says.
Lilly: Oiye.
Dungeon Master: You approach the metallic gates of the village where two guards await you in chain mail armor with simple pole rams and grim expressions on their face.
Guard: Welcome to Hommlet!
Lilly: Hey!
Guard: Welcome to Hommlet!
Lilly: We're looking to refurbish our supplies here and find out information for locating the Temple of Ravana.
Guard: Welcome to Hommlet!
Lilly:....
Aline: They didn't update the dialogue boxes did they?
Hommlet Bar
Lilly: Well the adventure doesn't start until we're in a Tavern.
Aline: Are we old enough to drink?
Lilly: In anyone asks, we're halflings.
Aline: I have to steal everything and talk constantly swiftly?
Lilly: That's only Dragonlance.
Aline: Well at least the beer is good.
Lilly: I'm worried that we aren't high enough level for these battles. These stories are meat grinders for low level PCs. Let's ask if any of the locals know any roads back to Sharn. Hey, buddy do...
Tavern Patron 1#: The Temple of Ravana is just outside the village and has threatened us with hordes of monsters, humanoids, and undead since it was erected by an evil member of the Rakashasa race. Oh, please save us, or all hope is lost!
Lilly:....okay.
Aline: Wow, that's weird. Hey, do you know which way to the ladies room?
Tavern Patron 2#: Rakashasas are particularly vulnerable to crossbow bolts and other blessed ranged weapons.
Aline: Uh....huh.
Tavern Patron 3#: There's rumors of a Druid that lives in the forest!
*Lilly and Aline run out of the tavern as the tavern patrons crowd around them spouting plot exposition*
Lilly: *breathes heavily* What the Hell was that?
Aline: Let's go in this Church and take a minute to breathe.
Church of Law
Priest of Law: Welcome to the Church of Law. I am the Priest of Law.
Lilly: Really? What God?
Priest of Law: I can cure wounds for 50 gold pieces!
Lilly: Isn't that rather blasphemous?
Priest of Law: I can raise dead for 500 gold pieces!
Lilly: You're at least 9th level and you're in a dump like Hommlet!?
Priest of Law: A Blessing for your weapons for ten Gold pieces!
Lilly: Urge to smite....rising.
Just before they leave
Kerrith: Well that was productive. We're now all 7th level.
*the village of Hommlet burns brightly behind them*
Lilly: I'm not sure we should have done that. You won't find cheaper rates for raising the dead. He actually loses money on the use of the 5000 gp diamond.
Kerrith: Yeah, all he kept saying was his prices when we stuck the torch to his groin to find out where he hid them.
Aline: Lilly, aren't you a Paladin?
Lilly: I'm allowed to kill neutrals in self defense. It's in the Paladin's charter.
Aline: You felt threatened by them running away?
Lilly: Very.
Kerrith: Well now that we've got the 1st edition move down pat, let's go slaughter some Rakashasas. |
My Blog: http://unitedfederationofcharles.blogspot.com/
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sparhawk42
Learned Scribe
104 Posts |
Posted - 11 Jan 2007 : 19:09:52
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| These are great! I laughed so hard my stomach hurts. |
You never fail until you stop trying. |
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Kaladorm
Master of Realmslore
United Kingdom
1176 Posts |
Posted - 11 Jan 2007 : 19:16:26
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Most of the humour in our campaign comes from editing each others character sheets if anyone is away for a session 
Usually as immature as we can manage, particularly changing peoples names/race or adding dubious items to their inventory |
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Victor_ograygor
Master of Realmslore
Denmark
1075 Posts |
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[humor] Why do players make Forgotten Realms games
