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Telathra
Acolyte
USA
20 Posts |
 Posted - 27 May 2004 : 22:49:59
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Despite my busy schedule for the day (sleep, eat, sleep some more, play dnd) I have managed to finish the first chapter of the revised story of the tiefling Telathra. I have added more details, descriptions, depth, removed the name David, and I have attempted to eliminate cliches.
Rebecca Mays, a blonde haired woman of some twenty odd years, had always wanted a child. Even she was but a child herself, she had imagined raising her own children. She had imagined watching them grow into strong and capable farmers, just like the rest of the villagers. She had imagined holding her own grandchildren, with their beaming faces looking at her, and laughing when she made silly faces at them. The truth was much harsher. Though Rebecca had been married for the better part of five years to her husband, Dolan Mays, she had somehow managed to remain childless.
Dolan Mays, who had the same shade of blonde hair as his wife, loved his wife, and he secretly cursed himself every time she wept because she couldn’t give birth.
The Mays lived in the small village of Rainfield. It was a small town, located in the green hills around the massive city-state of Waterdeep. The town was typical for its size, with about one hundred villagers living in it, and farming the nearby lands. The village had little contact with the outside world, and when they did get news, it was from the tax collector that came by the town every other month. The villagers main crop was wheat, and the main staple in their diet was wheat bread, and whatever meat they could trade for in the Waterdeep market. The villagers traveled to Waterdeep at the end of each season, to trade, sell, and buy. Occasionally a traveling cleric of Lathander, Selune, or some other good aligned deity would travel through the small town, curing the sick and injured. Of course, this was a rare occurrence, and the villagers mainly relied on the village midwife to cure sickness. The midwife was the second oldest, with the village elder being the oldest. The midwife and elder were sisters, though you couldn’t tell by looking at them. The midwife at graying red hair and dark green eyes, while the elder looked much like an older version of Rebecca, with graying blonde hair and light blue eyes. Both women were highly respected, the village elder only slightly more so.
One day, Rebecca paid the midwife’s hut a visit. The hut was just like all the other buildings in the town, with clay walls and a thatched roof. It was near sunset, and Rebecca knew that the midwife would be home.
“Do you have any herbs that might help me…?” Rebecca trailed off, embarrassment showing on her face.
“You need an herb to make you more fertile yes?” asked the midwife.
“Yes, that’s right,” Rebecca said, her voice cracking in sadness.
“Now don’t cry child,” said the midwife in a stern voice. “Remember, what I always told you when you were little Rebecca? Crying never fixes anything. It only tells the world that you are too weak to find the solution.”
“I know grandma, but I can’t help it.” By now, tears were streaming down Rebecca’s face.
“Everything will turn out okay in the end,” Rebecca’s grandmother said in a soothing voice. “Rebecca, I hate to have to tell you this, but I have no fertility herbs. You know this has been a bad season for the village, and I had to sell many of my herbs to help keep the village from starving. Rebecca, all I can tell you is to keep trying. Eventually, the gods have to answer.”
“The gods should have answered by now,” shouted Rebecca. “I have always been faithful. Never did I doubt. Why then do the gods see fit to let Beshaba curse me?” After this outburst, Rebecca collapsed into a sobbing wreck on the dirt floor.
Once again, I'm open to critiques, though I would prefer that if you tell me that something is wrong, you give advice on how to fix it.
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"The only thing we can do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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Sarelle
Senior Scribe
United Kingdom
508 Posts |
Posted - 28 May 2004 : 14:34:47
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This is immediately much better, Telathra. You've already given Rebecca some detail and character development - and made me more sympathetic to her because of her infertility.
I would edit out "One day," though. It isn't always wrong, but at the beginning of a paragraph, it tends to stick out a bit. I'd replace it with something akin to "It was the 13th of Marpenoth" etc.
Hope that helps, and I hope to see more soon. :) |
Chair of the The Rightful Return of Monster Deities to FR Society (RRMDFRS)
My character, drawn by Liodain: Sarelle / Sarelle (smaller) |
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Winterfox
Senior Scribe
895 Posts |
Posted - 29 May 2004 : 04:10:31
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Okay, let's give this another whirl. First, thank you for listening to advice and actually doing something with it. Kudos to you, and no sarcasm meant. The same can't be said of the many brats around the 'Net whose only wish is to have their backs patted and get comments that praise them to the stars, whether they are publishing masturbatory fantasy or trash riddled with Dumbspeak.
Now, to the meat of things.
It's much, much better, but there's room for improvement -- there's always room for improvement, for everyone and anyone.
Don't info-dump. It's one of the quickest way to drive away a reader. Incorporate descriptions of characters and scenery into the story; sprinkle them around so they will mesh seamlessly into the plot. Looking for textbook information the reader is not. Also consider what details are relevant and what are not; if the character's age has no impact on the story, there's not much reason to mention it.
quote:
Rebecca Mays, a blonde haired woman of some twenty odd years, had always wanted a child. Even she was but a child herself, she had imagined raising her own children. She had imagined watching them grow into strong and capable farmers, just like the rest of the villagers. She had imagined holding her own grandchildren, with their beaming faces looking at her, and laughing when she made silly faces at them. The truth was much harsher. Though Rebecca had been married for the better part of five years to her husband, Dolan Mays, she had somehow managed to remain childless.
And this is what I call info-dump. This should belong to a character sketch or a profile rather than the actual story. One suggestion: have Rebecca do something that invokes her grief of being childless. Maybe she sees other children playing in the field. Maybe she's visiting her sister, whose house is brimming with toddlers.
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Dolan Mays, who had the same shade of blonde hair as his wife, loved his wife, and he secretly cursed himself every time she wept because she couldn’t give birth.
See, here you're describing their emotions -- some painful emotions, in fact, and then you go off to include Dolan's hair color. I don't know about you, but for me, it detracts from the actual focus of the passage.
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One day, Rebecca paid the midwife’s hut a visit.
I'm not a fan of narrative that includes dates, or even things like "one day" or "five years later." It seems a bit too simplistic, somehow, and reminds me of children's fables more than anything.
The last segment: this is purely personal opinion, so take it as such, no more and no less. I have always appreciated subtlety. How strong a character is Rebecca? Is she really that prone to breaking into tears? There are many ways to show strong emotions without using tears or crying at all. Trembling hands, shaking voice, fingertips turning cold, a sinking, wrenching feeling in the gut, a lump in the throat, and so on and so forth. |
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SiriusBlack
Great Reader
USA
5517 Posts |
Posted - 29 May 2004 : 04:25:22
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Originally posted by Winterfox
The same can't be said of the many brats around the 'Net whose only wish is to have their backs patted and get comments that praise them to the stars, whether they are publishing masturbatory fantasy or trash riddled with Dumbspeak.
LOL! I wish you had been an English Professor for some of the students I've encountered. |
Edited by - SiriusBlack on 29 May 2004 04:31:34 |
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Telathra
Acolyte
USA
20 Posts |
Posted - 29 May 2004 : 20:36:26
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Thank you for even more constructive criticism. I am glad to hear that it is much better than the first time around. I should have version 2.5 of the first chapter up tonight, and maybe even an additional chapter. I will change the 'one day' to an actual date, and I will separate some info to avoid info dumping.
Winterfox, to answer your question of Rebecca's strength, she is not usually prone to crying, but she has been married for a while, and the fact that she is still childless is eroding her strength of will, therefore, I find the crying appropriate. |
"The only thing we can do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us." |
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Winterfox
Senior Scribe
895 Posts |
Posted - 30 May 2004 : 08:19:24
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quote:
Originally posted by Telathra
Winterfox, to answer your question of Rebecca's strength, she is not usually prone to crying, but she has been married for a while, and the fact that she is still childless is eroding her strength of will, therefore, I find the crying appropriate.
Ah, you see, the character hasn't yet been introduced enough, I think. I'm writing a fanfic where the lead female character is a strong woman. At one point, she has to tell her lover that she's basically sent his son to his death. On top of this, she's gone through a lot, but she hasn't cried -- yet. So my readers know that, if she does start crying, things have to be absolutely abysmal. Overuse something, and it loses significance (swearing, crying -- heck, this extends to writing devices like metaphors and similes). Use it sparingly, and it can deliver a much greater impact. If the introduction were lengthened, it could be shown that Rebecca initially bears the burden of childlessness. Later, she might grow more desperate by the way, and finally cracks down and breaks into tears. Because right now, my impression of Rebecca is this: a sappy, quivering mass of angst without much of a spine.
But as I said: strictly personal opinion, and this is your character, not mine. |
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Yoshimo
Seeker
88 Posts |
Posted - 05 Jun 2004 : 19:47:59
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This is much better than the first, but I took me a little while to notice there was a folder for the revised story of a tiefling shunned. Keep up the good work. |
May the light of Selune light your path and Olidammara guide your footsteps ~Shadow Thief Motto |
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The revised story of a tiefling shunned
