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Dantrag
Learned Scribe
USA
141 Posts |
 Posted - 29 Mar 2004 : 04:38:47
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This is something I have been working with... my friend and I, who are 14 years old, are working on a place called Evengaledge... first we are writing the history or origins of Evengaledge.This is what I have written, just give me some feedback ...please.
Prelude
Winter was closing, Detrix could feel it. Although the falls chill was a warm one, he could since the closing frost. The lake was begining to freeze; the creatures of Evengaledge were getting ready to hibernate. The hills of Hethlien were springing up from behind the trade city Dorter. If he was to enter playing as only a petty merchant and take the traitor down, he was going to have to do it with perfection. The security in Dorter was a little too high for the winter season, with there being hardly any merchants traveling in these dangerous lands. Something big was going down in Evengaledge, and it pained Detrix that he didn't know it.
He laughed and spun his way around the crowd that was trying to stock up for winter. He did it with such character and attitude that many people thought him a rogue, but he was not. Detrix was a warrior, full of honor and prestige.
There he was, the traitor to Evengaledge, laughing and playing with children as if his name was clear of this treacherous deed. This kill will be his most satisfying yet. The man left with Detrix following him silently. The man slipped through the door of his house. Detrix quickly slid his hand to stop the lock from shutting. The house wasn't lit by a candle or anything, and the man was nowhere in sight. Something moved to his left. He spun and saw nothing.
Horrendous laughter filled the room. Detrix dropped to a crouch and unsheathed his long sword. The man was in the corner. Trying to kill the man before he alerted anyone, Detrix ran with his sword ready to strike. A black dagger sank into the heart of the man, terrifying Detrix enough to stop stone cold. It was the laughing voice that had killed him...but that must mean. Candles filled the room with light, alarms were raised throughout Dorter city, and on front of Detrix was a black knight. The enemy was attacking, and the element of surprise had been used.
Detrix advanced to attack the figure in black armor, but saw behind him a host of bowmen. Without thinking Detrix rolled to the right as the arrows whipped by. In the same fluid motion he changed directions and flew out the door.
Outside it was even more chaotic. Arrows and the sound of battle rushed through the streets, women and children ran for their lives as the horsemen closed. A horseman came behind him. He spun fast to face the Great Councilor of Dorter." Detrix, I know who you are. You were sent by me." he said" I need you to ride to Tier-Lanor and tell of this madness, and perhaps we can stop this war." A war? So this is why all the security was so high. Without leaving enough time for Detrix to ponder or respond he said' Go now!!" "But..." piped in Detrix." Now!!" The Great Councilor of Dorter said just as a black knight was about to strike him.
Without looking back to see the mans fate, Detrix ran out of Dorter to the hills of Hethlien. It was a terrible sight as he looked upon the burning city of Dorter. Whispering, Detrix said," It is the ending of Dorter, and the beginning of a war."
Chapter One
It was dark in the Shadow Wood, the fog was clinging to every moss-covered tree making it seem like the air was much closer than thought. Jalfrez, leader of the Brotherhood of Seleroth, was on watch tonight. 'Tonight of all nights' he thought as he scowered the tree tops. His league of bandits had successfully completed several victories and thefts, but he felt alone, even among the two-hundred thirty trained arms man. Evengaledge could not hold back this storm. His connections around the contingent had led him to believe that the first war of all would be the last.
Thousands of orcs and other evil creatures are scowering the land even as he thinks." Captain... how goes the watch" Hendrindar, the only wizard in the entire hideout said. " Better than lasts, though I would like to now how we fair in the South part of the forest."" I’m afraid the messenger said they were beginning to see signs of the approaching darkness." he responded. “The time indeed looks bad for Evengaledge" Jalfrez responded. The wizard held up his hand and the lights on the side of the tree top bloomed, showing Jalfrez the wizard more clearly. Hendrindar cloak was forest green and had a magic seal he had developed himself, his human face was rough and bearded. His eyes were almond brown and shaped like a cats. Not the same as the elf Jalfrez, whom had a forest green chain mail and cloak. Jalfrez’s twin swords hung at his sides with his bow and quiver at his back.
“I suppose all we can do is watch, wait, and get ready for the rough time ahead." said the wizard. ' Of course' Jalfrez thought' the war was coming swiftly, but it would be a long time before it ended.'
* * *
“It can't be." Councilor Agradthan complained," the orcs would not be as bold as to come close to our cities."" It is not just orcs, there were men. And not to mention a black knight." Detrix replied." You saw this?" Agradthan said squinting up his normally impassible face. Only shortly ago had Detrix rode to Agradthan’s cottage in woods of Treue. Agradthan wore a cloak that was given only to the councilors of Evengaledge, his body at one time was honed for fighting but he was getting old, wrinkles and grey hair were commonly seen in his features. “With my own eyes."Detrix replied." Good job coming to tell me ,but your skills will not be enough to save us." he rasped. Councilor Agradthan had come to like Detrix when they used to meet and discuss fighting techniques, a long time ago.
“What shall we do?"Detrix asked, disrupting Agradthans moment of friendship with this suddenly so ignorant man. “We must get to Tier-Lanor and speak with the council and make a stand their. It may stop the enemy or it may just be a fork in the road. We don't know what, where, or who the enemy is. All we know is that it is great in number." he spun and looked out at the beautiful mountains of Anorse. Detrix could see the passion and emotion in Agradthan eyes as he looked upon the landscape. He turned and with a mighty voice said," This land will not fall." This was the most emotional Detrix had ever seen the Councilor. “I will speak to the Great Council, and see if we can summon enough defenses to withstand this attack. But I fear it is to late."
* * *
Detrix let his feet slid down the winding trail, with the wind gently propelling him as he went. The forest of Treue was closely packed with one long winding trail down the middle section. It was rumored that many different kinds of creatures where here, being stirred by the commotion of some kind of change in Evengaledge. Making sure he was moving silently down the forest, Detrix didn't notice the four elves move swiftly to his rear.
He finally heard them unsheathe their weapons. Spinning in one fluid motion and unsheathing his sword in the process, Detrix faced the elves. All of them were wearing dark brown tunics and light brown vests showing there small but definite physique chests. All four of them were brandishing twin short swords, and their hair color was an odd mix of light and bright colors. They held a defensive position apparently waiting for something. An elf walked behind them, probably the leader of the group considering he was wearing a brownish-green cloak. A rapier hung at his side, just revealing the bottom of the blade because of the slit scabbard. He stood tall and confident, and then spoke a command word to make the elves stand back. “Who might you be, wandering the wilderness- my home?" he said sullenly. “Detrix and I have no quarrel with you, so don't start something you can't finish." Detrix spat back." Grayish, ranger of Treue, pleasure, but do watch your tone and remember you are outnumbered four to one." the elf smiled back." That is what you think; I have fought greater numbers than that and over come them. Your petty numbers don't scare me." Detrix retorted. Grayish clapped his hands to present several archers with their arrows aimed at his head. Detrix tighted the grip on his long sword getting ready for the battle that was to come. Then Grayish stopped his face looking shaken," By the gods... this can not have happened. You are just a human...the goddess has no interest in you." Grayish said disturbed. He snapped his finger bringing two elves to advance on Detrix, swords drawn." Then we shall test you." Grayish finished. The elves advanced to attack trying to overpower Detrix with four blades. He was too skilled and experienced a warrior to fall for that one. The precise slices that the elves gave were merely distractions aiming for their true attack. He ignored the attacks and focused on the next. The elves finished their fake attack and both came to thrust at his mid section. Apparently these two had worked together before doing their masters dirty work, he mused. Faster than they could register he double parried them back and fourth, then spun to make himself face the elves more straightforward. He brought his blade up after parrying the attack, slicing one of the elves chest opened. The elf doubled over and began to shake violently and stare at his mortal wound. This took place in more than a split-second. The second elf, upon seeing his companions wound, took a more subtle defensive stance. The elf slashed out at Detrix with one sword, barely missing the warrior. Apparently the elf was using one sword as an attack and the other defense. Detrix smirked with confidence as he faked his sword high, taking the defensive sword with his, then with all the strength he could muster he reversed the blade to come down. The blade stopped at the middle of the elf’s stomach just touching the skin." Yield!" Detrix commanded. The elf did so and dropped his weapons.
Ten elves walked up, weapons drawn, glaring at Detrix profoundly. “No, do not harm this one. He has the favor of the goddess...Perhaps More than anyone does." Grayish said, talking more to himself then the elves. He quickly snapped out of his tranced state and motioned the elves away. Grayish popped his head up and said," Follow me."
* * *
He took only those that he needed. He took his prized short swords (each of them holding magical properties), his bow which was carved by the best craftsmen in Evengaledge, cloak, and an onyx ring in which he wore on his right hand. Jalfrez gathered the items, ready to take the journey. Hendrindar, the wizard, walked in," Sir are you ready to leave?" he said in his regularly calm tone." The first time I have stepped outside the woods without protection." Jalfrez said talking as much to himself as to the wizard. He turned and began to make his way to the wizard, whom was standing ten feet away. Cloaked in new special garbs which were magical and a tad over the color line, Hendrindar followed his better out the door.
The night was quiet and Jalfrez was trying to sneak out of the Seleroth hideout so he would not raise suspicion. Jalfrez took note of a small spec of light in the far corner of his eye, but it passed his eyes with only a flicker of interest really not meaning anything. Fields of light followed though, and an entire bandit hideout yelling," Jalfrez, Greatest Brother of Seleroth!” The calling began to get louder making the creatures of the night scurry away in fear. To Jalfrez this was one of the greatest sights in all his life and he fought to hold the tears back.
As he walked along the canopies of Shadow Wood it too seemed to be chanting over and over with the bandits. Only then did Jalfrez know how much this guild meant to him, only then did the warrior realize that he might not be coming back. The chanting stayed with them till they reached the wood, but the words were still in Jalfrez's head as he lay down to sleep.
* * *
“You are the chosen of Talona...” Grayish replied unexpectedly, breaking the conversation. Detrix had only stayed a half day at the elven camp deep in the woods, not to far from where they encountered the warrior. In this time he had confirmed that they were a nomadic people, living off the forest. “What does this mean?" Detrix replied, sincerely doubting this new advancement." The ranger god, Talona, has written in scripts of poetry that a chosen of ' the new land’ with rise up in a time of great need and defeat the evil that plagues it." Grayish added, looking at Detrix determinedly," You must accept it...” “How would you know this?" Detrix said sharply," I am but a human and no follower of this god!" He began to soften his tone." It is not of me, I am but a simple scout of Tier-Lanor." Grayish replied with a chuckle," You will find your answer, but for now," he spread his hands out motioning towards the camp," We shall dance till the night goes black, and you take a rest in a bed then go on the journey."
* * *
Detrix had just woken up when he heard the drums beating and the many other instruments playing that he didn't recognize. He opened the flap of his tent to find the entire night come to life, Fires burned, drums beet, and elves danced. The elves danced so hypnotically and seductively, that Detrix found that he could not look away. The entire camp, one hundred strong, seemed to be out on this night. With a full moon, the night seemed even more hypnotic and entrancing. Female elves of the camp seemed to be wearing almost to nothing; some of them had skirts cut off to show their perfectly tanned and smooth thighs. The tops were barely covering their bosoms, which made them look even more beautiful and perfect. They danced with men whom bare chests glistened in the moonlight intensifying the definition in their muscles.
Detrix also had put on the clothes that the male elves wore. Apparently Grayish thought it would make him more alluring to the elven women. The warrior took his gaze from the seducing dance, and spotted many elves apparently having competions in combat. Many people crowded around the competion, and women kissed their heroes as a good luck to win the competions.
“Detrix...” an elf named Necorad-Grayishes assistant said, jolting Detrix from his awness." Yes....Yes" replied not taking much interest in the elf." You are entered in the competion..." Necorad said," you are up next." Without waiting to here an answer from Detrix, the elf left whipping his cloak around to slap Detrix in the face.
Forgetting about the rudeness of elf, though much to his distaste, Detrix walked over to the crowd to peak over the elves. An elf had another in a headlock trying to pry the other to the ground. Taking disinterest in this stalemate fight and not heeding Necorad’s words, Detrix turned around and started walking for the tables that were full of glorious food. “Detrix and Vocoren." The announcer said.
Maybe I can make this fun, Detrix thought. With that belief adding to his reason, Detrix made for the lot of sand used for the fights. To his bare feet the sand felt awkward if severely uncomfortable. Vocoren was the champion of the arena, and no one was on Detrix's side. Time to show them the error of their ways, he thought. Though he was an expert swordsman... Detrix had trained with monks on hand to hand combat.
The elf made his way to the lot, his muscles churning like the trees of the forest. Detrix's muscles were bigger than most of the elves, but this one could not be entirely elven for he was too tall and broad.
The elf set his hands in the dirt and rubbed them." Ready...!” the competitents tensed and felt their body rumble with anticipation." Fight..!" the announcer roared exploding Vocoren into action. The half-elf came high looking to blow over Detrix. He scrambled to get out of the way, speed matching the half-elf. Detrix snapped his hand out quickly, gripping Vocoren’s muscled calf. His momentum full, Vocoren hardly needed the extra support to fall flat on his face. Detrix was up in a flash, grabbing Vocoren arm and bringing it behind him. He put his foot on Vocoren’s other arm, pinning it down, then brought his other hand up under the half-elfs chin. To make the hold impossible to break, Detrix put his remaining foot behind the thigh of Vocoren. Just as it seemed the half-elf would tap out...., Vocoren flexed his considerable muscles, snapping out of Detrix's hold, whom flew to the ground stunned.
The warrior back rolled and came up on his feet. Consequently, Detrix stared at Vocoren with more respect and caution. Faking to the right, Vocoren motioned for something. A second later, a bamboo stick flew out of the crowd to sit in Vocoren’s hands. The half-elf caught it and began to whirl it around showing the crowd his skill.' A weapon fight wasn't in the tournament rules, but it will suit me' thought Detrix. “You may outmatch me in hand to hand combat, but never a weapon fight" the warrior smirked and motioned for another bamboo stick. It flew out of the crowd to land in Detrix's anxious hands. The perfect size as the long sword which he wore at his hip.
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" The truth comes out only in bold and underlined" |
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Dantrag
Learned Scribe
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 29 Mar 2004 : 04:40:39
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| Patent Pending... |
" The truth comes out only in bold and underlined" |
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Sourcemaster2
Senior Scribe
USA
361 Posts |
Posted - 30 Mar 2004 : 02:16:00
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| So far it seems interesting. You're aware, of course, that in FR, Talona is the goddess of poison and disease? |
But what have all the passing years/Done, but breed new angers, fears?/Show me now an equal worth/To innocence I earned at birth. |
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Shadowlord
Master of Realmslore
USA
1298 Posts |
Posted - 30 Mar 2004 : 02:38:02
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Yes, and as far as I know, she doesn't have any levels in ranger....  |
The Chosen of Vhaeraun
"Nature is governed by certain immutable rules. By virtue of claw and fang, the lion will always triumph over the goat.Given time, the pounding of the sea will wear away the stone. And when dark elves mingle with the lighter races, the offspring invariably take after the dark parent. It is all much the same. That which is greater shall prevail. Our numbers increase steadily, both through birth and conquest. The dark elves are the dominant race, so ordained by the gods." Ka'Narlist of the Ilythiiri. |
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Dantrag
Learned Scribe
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 30 Mar 2004 : 03:28:40
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| Yes I have read the Cadderly series and know about Talona. My friend made up the gods earlier this year, and made the ranger goddess Talona. He spelled it different ,but I don't know how he spelled it... |
" The truth comes out only in bold and underlined" |
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Dantrag
Learned Scribe
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 30 Mar 2004 : 03:30:27
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And also, mind you that this is not FR. |
" The truth comes out only in bold and underlined" |
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Alaundo
Head Moderator
United Kingdom
5695 Posts |
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Dantrag
Learned Scribe
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 01 Apr 2004 : 23:04:02
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| This is FR inspired... |
" The truth comes out only in bold and underlined" |
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Bookwyrm
Great Reader
USA
4740 Posts |
Posted - 02 Apr 2004 : 18:43:52
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Nice recovery.  Not sure it'll work . . . .  |
Hell hath no fury like all of Candlekeep rising in defense of one of its own.
Download the brickfilm masterpiece by Leftfield Studios! See this page for more. |
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Dantrag
Learned Scribe
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 23 Apr 2004 : 02:45:21
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| hmm..well then*grabs the scroll* I think we should..* turns and runs out of the room, letting the door slam behind him* |
" The truth comes out only in bold and underlined" |
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Cha0tic g0od
Acolyte
USA
8 Posts |
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labcoatmunkey124
Acolyte
USA
42 Posts |
Posted - 16 May 2004 : 22:26:55
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| Kick ass. Even if it isnt FR, it's still very good and he did spend time writing it. Hard work should not be ignored. |
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Yoshimo
Seeker
88 Posts |
Posted - 04 Jun 2004 : 22:14:29
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I entreat you to continue, my young friend. Criticism is the lifeblood to which we writers draw our strengths. I, too, am a writer, with one in the process of being published. You walk this road with a friend by your side. |
May the light of Selune light your path and Olidammara guide your footsteps ~Shadow Thief Motto |
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Dantrag
Learned Scribe
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 10 Jun 2004 : 22:15:17
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| Thank you my friends... I have need of friends in my quest to become an author. Do you think that if I write a book that is good enough to get published, that I can do it while im 15? |
" The truth comes out only in bold and underlined" |
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Tethtoril
Seeker
95 Posts |
Posted - 11 Jun 2004 : 02:54:59
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| Ahhh, desire of the ages. Nay Dantrag, though ye be young it should prove no hindrance if you are publishable. Though being under the age you cannot enter into contracts ... you will need an adult to 'sign' for you. |
Tethtoril
Candlekeep Forums Moderator
Candlekeep - The Library of Forgotten Realms Lore
http://www.candlekeep.com
An Introduction to Candlekeep - by Ed Greenwood |
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Yoshimo
Seeker
88 Posts |
Posted - 11 Jun 2004 : 03:06:07
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It is simple: Once your book is complete, sign under one of your guardian's names. That is what I did when I was 16. I published Paradise of Fire, a pirate novel. Just make sure that if you write names that are used for a corporation, such as Wizards of the Coast material, sign with a company that is involved with that corporation, such as Del Rey is involved with the rights to Forgotten Realms names, places, characters, et cetra. (Del Rey still sponsors Wizards of the Coast and the Forgotten Realms, don't they?) 
I believe that what a man dreams, he can do. All it takes is a little bit of time. |
May the light of Selune light your path and Olidammara guide your footsteps ~Shadow Thief Motto |
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Dantrag
Learned Scribe
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 12 Jun 2004 : 04:17:06
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| Is your book, Paradise of fire, in book stores everywhere? I would like to read it... also when you write books, do you have a person that edits it for you? |
" The truth comes out only in bold and underlined" |
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Winterfox
Senior Scribe
895 Posts |
Posted - 12 Jun 2004 : 06:24:01
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| Dantrag: paragraphs? Please? |
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Evengaledge
hmmmmmmmm. Wasting valuable shelf space with this scroll are you, Dantrag?