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riot the outsider
Learned Scribe
USA
121 Posts |
 Posted - 02 Apr 2008 : 05:36:42
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This is another short story I whipped up to entertain myself so enjoy. Alot is left up to your imagnation. And please post your thought I do like reading what others think, not many left any comments on my last story. Which I'm queit proud of. And I'm glad Mr.De bie enjoyed what I did with his story.
VenganceBy: riot the outsider
" I'll kill em!" " Damn undead I'll em!" " Take my wife my children!"
As the figure clamed himself down, He thought of how he would get his revenge and thinking how he was going to torture his victim before he died, and not give him a swift death as his family was granted.
The figure sat on the floor of his former family's hut looking out through the door way that reflected the flaming huts of other families that also fell victim to the ones that came this night. Thinking over and over in his mind " I'll kill em" " kill em all for the lives he has taken from this world to the next. "For my family for my friends and there famlies" " I will kill em".
The figures back sat against a smashed in weaved straw chest which his back had slammed into when throwin by the attackers.Pots, pans, and food lay all around him on the floor.The attackers wrecked everything than took what they came for immortality, youth, Blood and pleasure.
For years this has been there way. " No longer"! " I'll kill em"! " Kill em all"!
The figure lunged his self up off the floor were he had sat in a rage. Drew his sword and stomped out of the hut. Underneath the flame lite sky.
Undead lord's castle
"We don't have enough bodies left to feed the soldiers my lord."
Inside the misty castle of the undead army and there lord. Razermon
Informed his lord of the food supply." What do you mean not enough," Like I said my lord not enough for all. " We just pilunged a village yesterday, took a lest two hundred from your count you told me". " Yes my lord, but... " Shhh queit, I thinking of a plan. Awaiting his lord's thoughts he stayed bowed in antisapation. His lord stood and drew his sword aimed the blade downward and put both hands on top of the hilt as if it were a cane, still in thought he lean forward on the sword. Razermon waiting still for his lords answer looking up at his lord. he spied something odd in the face of his lord as if trying to hold back laughter. Than with out warning the sword rose with speed cutting his head off.
Razermon's head flew from his shoulders down the stairs that lead to the throne of his lord. " They can eat you." Laughing out wildly, his lord knew nothing would happen to his favorite magic creature. " That hurt." " Oh stop crying it grows back your just a spell my friend." " It still hurts when you do that." His lord than sprange down every stair that lead up to his throne in one leap. Down to the bottom were Razermon's head had landed. Lifting his head slowly while still in a crouch down one knee postion. his lord spoke " Listen you go and find more bodies for me and the army don't come back till you do." " Yes my lord..." I don't care how far you have to go or if its just one body you bring back." " Just don't come back empty handed."
" Yes my lord."
" Kill em!" " Kill em all!"
The figure still in raged had trudged all night though forests and swamps slicing down anything that block his way from his goal. " Nothing will stop me NOTHING!"
Undead lord's castle
Not knowing what was coming for him the lord of the undead walked his castle halls in boredom sucking the left over juice of a young girls head. Blood smeared across his lips. He tossed it aside just as he did a goblin grapped it up.
Fast asleep sitting on his throne. The door to the throne room burst open wind blew in past a dark tall figure,the figure walked forward standing between six and seven feet hair and armor stained with blood.The figures long black hair hung and drapped down its shoulders. Eyes fixed upon the undead lord.
The undead lord stood and spoke to the figure." What gives you the right to enter my halls the way you have." " Who are you ?" " You ask!?" " Who am I?" " " Who are you I should ask!" " Who are you to take lives that are not yours? To take to increase your own miserable life?" " Who am I ?!" " Who are you to take my wife and children and others Wives and children from other men such as I huh?" " Who am I?!" " I'll tell you who I am !" "I am what has been lurking in hiding waiting to end your existence."
" Who am I !" "I am vengance come for you!" " I am every man, woman, and child you have killed. " I warn you my men will be back soon and than its over my nameless friend." " Oh you mean like this one?" the figure produced a head from behind his back. The undead lord eyes were fixed on the head the figure screamed AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! " I am Vengance come for you!"
The undead lord drew his sword as the figure dashed up the stairs towards him swords clashed the sound of metal rang off the walls of the throne room walls. The two stood swords locked eyes fixed on each other, neither one moving." Why are you doing this, do you wish to die." Only if I take you with me." The undead lord was trying to throw him off.
" We can make a deal can we not?" " Yeah." " Die." " So be it."
The dark shifted his weight from one foot to the other trying to work his way under the figures blade so he could throw his weight towards the blood stained figure.
" That won't work." slowly the figure slipped his lower hand down the hilt of his sword reached out quickly just as fast as the undead lord could have. Grabbing the undead lord by the throat and threw him down the stairs to the floor, charging downward towards the undead lord and jumping up in the air sword aiming downward towards the chest of the undead lord. Landing on top of the lord stopping the tip of the blade at the breast bone just pirceing the skin blood leaked out of the nitch that was etched into the skin of the lord. Opening his eyes and seeing were he layed just under a mad mans blade. " Don't beg."
The figure rasied his sword in both hands AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
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Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do. http://s13.gladiatus.com/game/c.php?uid=67846
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Edited by - riot the outsider on 21 Sep 2008 08:23:25
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Rinonalyrna Fathomlin
Great Reader
USA
7106 Posts |
Posted - 02 Apr 2008 : 15:16:59
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Just a few quick comments--
When different characters are speaking, you use a different paragraph whenever you change speakers. For example:
...his lord spoke " Listen you go and find more bodies for me and the army don't come back till you do." " Yes my lord..." I don't care how far you have to go or if its just one body you bring back." " Just don't come back empty handed."
Change that to:
...his lord spoke " Listen you go and find more bodies for me and the army don't come back till you do."
" Yes my lord..."
"I don't care how far you have to go or if its just one body you bring back." " Just don't come back empty handed."
Also, I noticed in many places that you put quotation marks at the beginning and ending of each sentence That is not necessary. For example:
" Who am I?" " " Who are you I should ask!" " Who are you to take lives that are not yours to take to increase your own miserable life." " Who am I ?!"
Change to:
" Who am I? Who are you I should ask! Who are you to take lives that are not yours to take to increase your own miserable life. Who am I ?!"
Lastly, some punctuation is inappropriate; the period at the end of "life" should be a question mark, as that is a question and not a statement.
That's all for now.
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"Instead of asking why we sleep, it might make sense to ask why we wake. Perchance we live to dream. From that perspective, the sea of troubles we navigate in the workaday world might be the price we pay for admission to another night in the world of dreams."
--Richard Greene (letter to Time) |
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BARDOBARBAROS
Senior Scribe
Greece
581 Posts |
Posted - 02 Apr 2008 : 18:59:58
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| Very good |
BARDOBARBAROS DOES NOT KILL.
HE DECAPITATES!!!
"The city changes, but the fools within it remain always the same" (Edwin Odesseiron- Baldur's gate 2) |
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Silverwulf
Acolyte
USA
9 Posts |
Posted - 22 Apr 2008 : 01:55:35
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| very good. |
I do not speak my sword speaks for me. |
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Pranto
Acolyte
Canada
3 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2008 : 17:57:01
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| Good Job! You could do a Play with it ! |
Butt kicking for goodness.-Minsc |
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Brynweir
Senior Scribe
USA
436 Posts |
Posted - 07 Jul 2008 : 05:51:20
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A few points 
1. punctuation (as mentioned and then some)
2. spelling
3. grammar - and sometimes the wrong homophone (there for their) (families for family's)
4. most importantly - plot problems.
First, why was the man left alive in the village if all the others were taken or slain?
Second, how did he get to the undead lord? Did he creep past the army? Sneak in a back way? Did he slay all the bodyguards? (needs more than a single head description if so)Is he THAT stealthy or that good with a blade? (if that good then what happened in the village?)
Third, what makes the undead lord so powerful? Magic? Skill with a blade? How was he overcome so easily?
Last, why would the guy stop with the blade virtually in the undead lord's chest and then raise the blade, giving him a chance to attack? Just lean hard and finish the job 
I apologize if I sound harsh, but your repeated posting of stories says to me that you actually WANT advice so that you can get better. I know that I appreciate it when people point out things I need to work on even if it seems harsh at the time.  |
Anyone who likes to read something that's really dark and gritty and completely awesome ought to read The Night Angel Trilogy by Brent Weeks. You can check out a little taste at www.BrentWeeks.com I should probably warn you, though, that it is definitely not PG-13 :-D
He also started a new Trilogy with Black Prism, which may even surpass the Night Angel Trilogy in its awesomeness.
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riot the outsider
Learned Scribe
USA
121 Posts |
Posted - 08 Sep 2008 : 07:59:32
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| No I don't want advice just want your thoughts on it,I like my writting so I want to know if others do too. I think you should edit and lower case that want you caped I think that was unnessary.I would have got your point with out that.Thanks. |
Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do. http://s13.gladiatus.com/game/c.php?uid=67846
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Edited by - riot the outsider on 08 Sep 2008 07:59:54 |
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Nicolai Withander
Master of Realmslore
Denmark
1093 Posts |
Posted - 01 Oct 2008 : 23:47:49
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| I think the story is quite good, I enjoyed most of it, but had some trouble reading it. I feel some of the emotion and understanding is lost. When. There. Are. No. Or. Few. Punktuations...! |
Edited by - Nicolai Withander on 01 Oct 2008 23:48:14 |
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Vengance
