| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| GothicDan |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 07:50:50
I figured that posting this here would be the best, as there are some well-learned and articulate people on this forum (not to demonize another particular forum, of course...)
Anyway, over the past few months, I've been bouncing around a story/novel idea in my head lately. It's been in response to, in large part, the way that 3E has been depicting Sun Elves, and how the most recent fans really don't seem to be "getting" them. I've tried to write a little bit about one particular NPC-type character that I've seen unfolding in my mind's eye.
This character is an ancient Baelnorn, even by Elven standards; he's a refugee from Uvaeren, who went on, the last of his clan and one of the last of his people, to move to Myth Drannor, to act as an official record keeper and historian, and guardian of all things magical. I've been trying to highlight how truly tragic it can be to be a Sun Elf, and a Baelnorn one specifically... I don't know how it sounds, so far.
I haven't gotten a lot done, yet, but I would love any feedback for what I do have so far! Thanks ahead of time, guys.
In the Shade of Arvandor
-------------------------------------
Loss cannot be reversed, but at times the memories of tragedy may be assuaged when the present echoes the past. The great libraries of my home land are gone, swept away in 12 days of fire and despair. I watched through smoky tears as lives were burned away before my eyes; with every page turned to useless ash, and with every crystal overheated to shattering, I felt a pang in my breast. Each and every one of those tales, those anecdotes, sonnets, and diaries, were to me living, breathing People.
A dozen millennia and more of civilization were lost, and I felt each moment of it within my own being as I underwent a holocaust of bittersweet revivification. My heart surged and my blood pounded, as if that same fire had found its way into my flesh and bone themselves, and pain intensified into dizzying pressure. When darkness fell, I thought it was the end. I was sure that with the final destruction of all that I held dear, that which I had dedicated the last century and more of my existence to cherishing and protecting, that finally I had been called back to the shade of Arvandor's great trees.
But this was not my fate. Perhaps the Brothers and Sisters of the Forest felt that it would be too easy for me, to be alleviated of all of that misery and forget the countless entities that I had watched smolder into oblivion. For a time, I thought it was a punishment for my failure. It took several centuries to realize that, at their shared core, blessings are often the same as curses. The Coronal of Arvandor graced the Ar-Tel'Quessir to be the stewards of his children, and as such, we carry the weight of countless years upon our shoulders and in our hearts. I lived on, I believe now, to have learned from the agony I felt from that fated night of destruction. I lived on to carry the message of that pain to my brethren, and to ensure the survival of the history of a kingdom whose future was still to unfold. I accepted this burden, in time. I took it into my soul and became companions with it in a way that no human, dwarf, or gnome, nor even a Silver Elf, could ever truly understand.
I accepted this burden as my sacred duty. By Corellon's decree, that which The Lord of the Continuum had given me would be reborn anew in the face of a nascent civilization. My road would not be easy, I knew upon that realization, and it has not been. The last survivor of my clan from a nation all but forgotten amidst the flames, it was a lonesome path from the start, but it was a path that I could deny no more than I could my sun-kissed hair or arched ears. I learned what it meant to be a Sunrise Elf: to walk where no others dared to follow, no matter how hard the path. Such is our curse and our blessing; it is both our shield and our sword, and our greatest and most vile of characteristics. Those of other races call us arrogant, and while there are certainly some amongst my People who truly fit that crude human term, the vocabulary of the younger races cannot hope to sufficiently capture all that it means to us. A single word cannot express it, nor can a phrase, in the refined tongues.
It is our love and hatred, our duty and bane, our pride and humility. Many of my younger kindred cannot come to terms with this dichotomy of being, and this is why we value patience and age so much, in large part. The greatest task of life is living itself, and experiencing its myriad nuances from one minute to the next. Just as each snowflake that falls and each cloud in the sky is different from the one before it, so too is every inhalation of breath into our lungs something to be cherished and analyzed at the same time. Every second could make a difference in the larger scheme of things that we never thought possible, and so each moment is to be savored and ruminated upon. Additionally, this also gives reason to why we are, according to others, labeled ambivalent: we know that a single misplaced tear or word could mean far more than it would seem at first glance. |
| 28 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 28 Jun 2006 : 07:19:54
quote:
Originally posted by El Magnifico Uno
I would agree with that, most do seem like humans with pointy ears.. However, what would constitute "genuinely elven"..
It's hard to say, since elves don't exist; I've no predefined notions of what an elf should be like. But I'd expect them to sound different from humans, yes? The problem here, therefore, is that the narrator in question sounds quite, quite human. It's not necessarily a huge gripe, per se, because as I said, few authors pull off the alien voice. On the front of making characters sound inhuman, I therefore keep my expectations reasonable (read: low to nil).
quote:
For me the best elf in FR so far has been the oft-maligned Richard Baker who seemed to portray elves as detached and sedate.. Yet others found them to be flat and colorless and called it bad writing, so who knows..
Can't agree there, I'm afraid. His characters are all robotic like that, as Rinonalyrna's said. I mean, if that's how you explain the flatness of his characters, then why are the humans just as blandly written? |
| ksu_bond |
Posted - 28 Jun 2006 : 05:07:49
I thought what you wrote made sense and wasn't really all that bad to read. Though yes it did come across as whiny, or what ever your choice word maybe, it seemed to fit with what you were attempting to accomplish. Though I'd have to agree that if I opened a book and this was the first words written, it would make me dread what was to come later.
So perhaps you wouldn't necessarily need to scrap what you've written, but rather ease the reader into it so that it doesn't just seem like a bunch of teen angst (though I don't know of any teens who'd have the first clue what any of those words mean, much less how to use the properly). And by easing your audience into this ancient elves mindset will make what you have already written make more sense in relation to your overall story. Otherwise to some it will appear to be an attempt to mimic the work of an already mentioned author. |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 28 Jun 2006 : 04:55:36
quote:
Originally posted by GothicDan
Thank you, Rino.
I truly have come to respect your opinion. :)
You're welcome.  Same here.
quote:
All of the comments here have convinced me to tackle the idea in a different manner. I still want it to be a practice of trying to "get into a Sun Elf's head," but I'm going to try to relate it to more.. Immediate thoughts, concerns, and actions.
All right, good luck--I wouldn't mind reading a revised version. |
| GothicDan |
Posted - 28 Jun 2006 : 02:04:45
Thank you, Rino.
I truly have come to respect your opinion. :)
All of the comments here have convinced me to tackle the idea in a different manner. I still want it to be a practice of trying to "get into a Sun Elf's head," but I'm going to try to relate it to more.. Immediate thoughts, concerns, and actions. |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 28 Jun 2006 : 00:33:33
quote:
Originally posted by El Magnifico Uno
For me the best elf in FR so far has been the oft-maligned Richard Baker who seemed to portray elves as detached and sedate.
My personal opinion is, Rich Baker portrayed almost all the characters in the Last Mythal books (except the villains, who could be more over-the-top) as "detached"--whether they were human, elven, or whatever.
My problem with the prose in this case is not so much that the character is too detached, but simply because there is just not much of a hook there. Who is this person, and what is this "burden" he is talking about? Why did he accept it and consider it "sacred"? Why does he care so much about books burning--as much as he cares about other people? And most importantly, why should we care about any of this? |
| El Magnifico Uno |
Posted - 28 Jun 2006 : 00:13:55
Winterfox said:quote:
...but I have never seen a single author remotely come close to portraying an elven character as genuinely elven. They all just act like humans with pointed ears, to some extent or another.
I would agree with that, most do seem like humans with pointy ears.. However, what would constitute "genuinely elven".. Something more like classical fey? Disassociated, yet tempestuous, but with no true emotions of their own?.. Or something more tree-huggy and weepy?.. Or proud and wise, while mysterious, magical, and profoundly alien? (how the hell would you write that anyway?).. What exactly makes an elf personality elfy?.. How do describe a mindset that is NOT human and yet the reader can still emphatize with?.. My guess is it's different for each person.. For me the best elf in FR so far has been the oft-maligned Richard Baker who seemed to portray elves as detached and sedate.. Yet others found them to be flat and colorless and called it bad writing, so who knows.. How is this relavent to GothicDan? Well perhaps it will spawn ideas for his writing.. |
| Rinonalyrna Fathomlin |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 23:34:49
I honestly have to agree with some of the critical comments. Going from what's written so far (which, by the way, doesn't grab me, either), you don't learn much about who the narrator is and why you should care about him. Everything is very...vague. And it's vague to a fan of the Forgotten Realms--a reader who is not so knowledgable about the Realms would come away knowing even less about what is going on. If your introduction doesn't grab the reader, why on Earth should they sit there trying to figure out whatever hidden purpose it is supposed to have?
And I have to echo Winterfox's earlier point: just because something isn't mainstream or is "difficult to understand" doesn't mean it's good writing. Remember too that many writers of works that are now known as classics wrote what was popular at the time, too. "Mainstream" doesn't mean bad!
So, I'll end by saying that if getting inside a sun elf baelnorn's head (and yes, I only knew he was a baelnorn from information found outside fo the text) means having to sift through so many words that actually say very little, then I'm not sure I would want to spend much time there. |
| Kuje |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 20:10:30
I liked it fine actually and it kept my interest but then again, I read many novels, both that are written for D&D and not for D&D, that keep my interest and so I guess I have lesser standards in what I like to read for novels then the standards of a lot of other people. :) |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 20:02:02
And since we should maybe get on-topic, what do you think of Dan's introductory bit? |
| Kuje |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 19:15:01
quote:
Originally posted by Winterfox
quote:
Originally posted by Kuje
I disagree, I want to read a elf story about the elven mindset. There's more then enough lore about that race to do them justice for a story that has a elf as the main character.
Lore doesn't necessarily facillitate that, I think. There's a wealth of it, but I have never seen a single author remotely come close to portraying an elven character as genuinely elven. They all just act like humans with pointed ears, to some extent or another.
Well, that's nice for you but I still disagree. |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 18:59:35
quote:
Originally posted by Kuje
I disagree, I want to read a elf story about the elven mindset. There's more then enough lore about that race to do them justice for a story that has a elf as the main character.
Lore doesn't necessarily facillitate that, I think. There's a wealth of it, but I have never seen a single author remotely come close to portraying an elven character as genuinely elven. They all just act like humans with pointed ears, to some extent or another. |
| Jorkens |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 18:55:24
quote:
Originally posted by Mace Hammerhand
Um...DON'T, to get into the mindset of an elf you'd have to meet an elf and do the Freud on him. Use a human VP-character to make the story more accessible. Or some such thing...
Well, if the main point is to get into the head of a Sun elf more than to tell a story, there is not much use in this. I agree that the experiment is almost doomed to fail as a story, but as a writing/thinking experiment it might work to a degree. |
| Kuje |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 18:54:22
I disagree, I want to read a elf story about the elven mindset. There's more then enough lore about that race to do them justice for a story that has a elf as the main character. |
| Mace Hammerhand |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 18:49:56
Um...DON'T, to get into the mindset of an elf you'd have to meet an elf and do the Freud on him. Use a human VP-character to make the story more accessible. Or some such thing... |
| GothicDan |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 18:10:34
To Winterfox: I agree with much of what you said. This was my first attempt at trying to write anything of the sort.
Thanks. :)
If I decide to continue any aspect of this story, it'll be in a vastly different tone.
.... And remember to keep my language under control. Oi.
I think I might go the Reverie dream-state route, if I continue to do this. |
| GothicDan |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 17:41:36
Hm. Your guys' opinions do help.
I think it is basically impossible to try to write from the mental standpoint of a Sun Elf and still make it appealing and easily comprehensible to the human mind. |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 17:39:45
quote:
it's to get into the head of a Sun Elf older than anything else alive.
Why, then, does he sound like an angsty emo teenager? He doesn't sound tragic; he merely sounds whiny. He doesn't inspire emotions, apart from an urge to slap him upside the head with an anti-undead bludgeon to shut him up. He also doesn't sound particularly elven. Any human with a sufficient desire to angst and an urge to molest the English language could've written this.
You see, once you stuff in enough purple prose, meaning is lost. Not because your material is deeeep and sophisticated and the reader is too stupid to understand your genius; it's because the text starts making no sense, and puts people to sleep.
quote:
Only in Germanic languages is Passive Voice considered a no no; it is perfectly acceptable in Latin, Spanish, etc. I would assume that Elves use it quite frequently.
We've no idea if FR Elvish is Latinate or Germanic, since FR Elvish doesn't exist. Sadly for you, English is a Germanic language.
quote:
In large part, it actually seems like I'm getting my point across quite well
Is that point "I want to waste time and effort (and bandwidth/paper) on something most people will skip because it's likely to put them to sleep more than anything"? If so, then yes, you've succeeded brilliantly.
quote:
What kind of novels/artists do you guys like?
John Milton, Terry Pratchett, George R. R. Martin, Henrik Ibsen, Eddic poems, Neil Gaiman, Joan D. Vinge, Chaucer, Arthur Miller, Chretien de Troyes, and Mark Twain, among others.
quote:
I don't want something that "grabs you by the throat," or something that draws you in right away, or something that you don't need to think about, or something that's easily understood and can be digested in one reading.
Are you sure it's just your baelnorn who is pretentious and self-indulgent?
Hint: not being mainstream doesn't necessarily mean "good." It may mean readers dropping the book on the instant, not getting out of slush pile, and/or going out of print in a year, never to be seen again.
quote:
I'm going for somethimg more along the lines of Michael Moorcock,
Who's best known for sword-and-sorcery fantasy, not ponderous prose (his sentences tend to be fairly concise, not purple, nor verbose; certainly his prose isn't peppered with run-ons). Lest you think I've only read his best-known works, I'll quote from the first sentence of The Dancers at the End of Time--
The cycle of our Earth (indeed, our universe, if the truth had been known) was nearing its end, and the human race had at last ceased to take itself seriously.
Suppose I know nothing about the book (and haven't yet read the subsequent sentences), what does this line make me think? I think it's quirky with a touch of self-deprecating humor (since the narrator's probably going to be a human, and if it's in omniscient third person, hey, the author's got to be human too). So... the author, or the narrator, probably isn't taking himself (too) seriously. That's a good sign, and it makes me curious, enough that I'll read further.
quote:
Jacqueline Carey,
Whose draw is mainly the fact that her setting is refreshing (Renaissance-y rather than boring pseudo-medieval Europe-y), her main character is a masochistic courtesan-spy. I think, for most people, her Kushiel trilogy rests more on the premise than on the writing. (Which is pretty damn purple.) But even then, the first sentence of Kushiel's Dart reads--
Lest anyone suppose that I am a cuckoo's child, got on the wrong side of the blanket by lusty peasant stock and sold into indenture in a shortfallen season, I may say that I am House-born and reared in the Night Court proper, for all the good it did me.
It's something of a run-on, but the tone is one of preemptive indignation. The last thing she wants is to be thought of as low-born; status is important to her. There're a few words dropped here that can invoke curiosity right away: "the Night Court" (though perhaps not the most imaginative of titles) evokes a mixture of something clandestine (done at night) and something organized, noble, possibly decadent. It makes one want to find out what the Night Court is. The narrator being indignant and concerned with status is actually a bonus point, because we have too many oh-so-humble and perfect characters running around in fantasy. And we have plenty of whiny characters, which is what your narrator is from the word go.
quote:
China Mieville, etc.
How about an analysis of the first two sentences from Iron Council?
A man runs. Pushes through bark-and-leaf walls, through the purposeless rooms of Rudewood.
Very short sentences. They give a distinct sense of urgency, and we ask: why is he running? Is he being pursued? Is he pursuing something? There you go: a hook.
Compare all these to:
quote:
Loss cannot be reversed, but at times the memories of tragedy may be assuaged when the present echoes the past.
It stops me cold. It makes me think "Golly gee, this author's trying just a leeetle too hard to sound erudite." But hey, my attention span's not that short. So I read on, but still find nothing of interest, because it bemoans some vague tragedy somewhere that gives no specific details. I won't even know the narrator is a baelnorn. It all sounds terribly mundane and is so painful to trudge through. Oh, forget it. I'm dropping this.
I daresay that all the authors you mentioned know how to tug the reader's interest from the first paragraph on. I also daresay that you'll find it very hard to get someone to agree with you that the first few paragraphs of one's writing should be boring, unreadable, and off-putting. |
| Jorkens |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 17:38:12
Lord Dunsany, Kristofer Uppdal, Balzac, Robert E Howard, Rainer Maria Rilkle, Fernando Pessoa, Tomas Krag, E. R. Eddison, Ragnhild Jølsen, Moorcock. I will stop while I can as the list will be endless.
I find it difficult to judge other peoples writing, but my main problem with your text is that it becomes, a little constructed. The text and the language becomes a little staccato as you try to say to much. I can see what you are trying to do, but there is something lacking in the tone. I am sorry I cant explain myself any better, but that's my two cents.
|
| Mace Hammerhand |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 17:09:29
To name a few: Tad Williams, Val McDiarmid, Elizabeth George, Ken Follet, Mike Stackpole, Russell Andrews
Amazingly enough the majority of these authors aren't fantasy writers. I love crime novels and thrillers cuz they keep you guessing. So, yes, I want to think while I'm reading, but if a story doesn't draw me in after a few pages I put the book away. The worst time of my life was when I was made to read 200 pages of Doktor Faustus by Thomas Mann.
If I ask myself "What's the bloody point of it?" then the author hasn't caught my attention. In the above case I'd have asked the question after a few paragraphs, especially since (not being a native speaker) I'd have to look up some of the words...my guess is even native speakers would have wondered what those words are :-P |
| GothicDan |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 15:54:16
It's okay - no need to apologize. I edit things professionally at times, and I've covered things in red ink, literally doubling the length of things in edits alone.
Anyway... Just out of curiosity..
What kind of novels/artists do you guys like?
I think that there are certain expectations here for this story that the story is simply not supposed to be about, is all. I don't want something that "grabs you by the throat," or something that draws you in right away, or something that you don't need to think about, or something that's easily understood and can be digested in one reading.
I'm going for somethimg more along the lines of Michael Moorcock, Jacqueline Carey, China Mieville, etc. |
| Mace Hammerhand |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 15:28:28
quote:
Originally posted by GothicDan
*grins* Thanks for the criticisms. I do enjoy them - even negative ones.
It was constructive criticism...if it was merely negative we would prolly have said "sod it" and "quit while you're ahead" |
| Mace Hammerhand |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 15:26:06
Oh, and I've decided to apply wolfpack-loving to this, so forgive me my harsh words...but in wolfpack mode I tend to...well...go for the jugular |
| Mace Hammerhand |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 15:23:31
Yes, and no... the general problem with text is that if you have to explained it, the text generally sux. If the reader can do all the thinking and still come out at the point where you are headed all by himself, then the text did its job.
A song title came to mind when I read this: Diary of a Madman.
As for smoky tears... see the explanation thingy... You could have made the entire thingy way more captivating by putting us INTO the action, old men whining after what has passed...YUCK, if you let us into the memory of a sun elf, make it the memory.
If you haven't read any Drizzt...what you wrote is a good approximation.
A prologue has to whet the reader's interest, not wanting to scratch toilet-paper off his grocery list if you get my meaning :-D |
| GothicDan |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 15:16:31
*grins* Thanks for the criticisms. I do enjoy them - even negative ones.
The intent of this 'introduction' but is not so much to tell a story - it's to get into the head of a Sun Elf older than anything else alive. Hence it being in first person; hence it being full of unecessary verbage.
The primary body of the text will take everything above into account, actually - I agree with all of this. This is more an in-character view of what's going on. It's supposed to be Sun Elven - pretentious, verbose, dramatic.
I also note that this was not edited once and I did not use a dictionary or thesaurus, and that I have never read anything Drizzt.
As to smokey eyes? That is how the character viewed tears; smoke was so profuse in the area that it seemed one and the same with his tears, and it symbolized the fact that his despair is linked directly with the event itself, inextricably.
It seems like you guys think I'm going for something mainstream, 'readable,' etc. I'm not at all. I'm going for something that really looks into the mind of a Sun Elf (for now).
I do NOT want to show a story, yet - that's not the purpose of this prologue.
Only in Germanic languages is Passive Voice considered a no no; it is perfectly acceptable in Latin, Spanish, etc. I would assume that Elves use it quite frequently.
Does that all make sense?
Main point: this is not MEANT to show what's happening. I agree with you guys about the fact that - I hate Tolkien for this reason. But this is NOT meant to be the primary bulk of the story. I am trying to show how an Elven mind as old as the character's is, distached from society for so long, meanders (hence him listing certain things in what was destroyed in the Lorelands' library, as they come to mind - people don't remember every aspect, but they always remember snippets).
Also, note the first definition of holocaust from dictionary.com:
"Great destruction resulting in the extensive loss of life, especially by fire."
Holocaust, capitalized, is less a universal term and refers more to the genocidal incident of which Mace speaks.
In large part, it actually seems like I'm getting my point across quite well, for this character. One of the things the character does, as a Baelnorn stuck in a tome, is sit around for days thinking this stuff.
I plan on writing longer, counter-chapters/sections to these, which are in 'the present,' and are more showing the story itself, and 'showing' the character. The inner monologues are there because, without them, it would be impossible to know what's going on in such a creature's mind; they don't SHOW it like humans do. |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 10:12:55
quote:
Originally posted by Mace Hammerhand
Winterfox, you scare me ;)
Right now, I probably scare Dan more. ;P |
| Mace Hammerhand |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 10:01:17
Winterfox, you scare me ;)
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot indeed. Maybe I am just too nice...then again I wrote my piece before my first coffee, I will try better next time.
Dan, take what Winterfox and I said to heart. Tell a bloody story...not a bloody story, but a bleedin' story. Get a point across! Don't do the lore junk as lore junk, because that's basically what you are doing. And mayhap, just mayhap, switch from 1st person to 3rd person. 'tis much easier, plus you do not limit yourself, since if you actually went through with the 1st person deal you must never reveal other information, there is a very big arsed limit there, which is the subjective perception of the narrator (the *I*).
Oh and quit inhalin the thesaurus, there is a reason why some words are used more often than others, they get a point across. If you start repeating yourself, then by all means use it, but to merely sound exotic...URGH!
Coleridge and others were WWI writing while intoxicated, don't work for me, don't work for you either. This passage sounds so stilted it would make any street entertainer envious of how you balance the absurd with the...um...absurd.
OK, I AM awake now :-D |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 08:59:11
quote:
Loss cannot be reversed, but at times the memories of tragedy may be assuaged when the present echoes the past.
This sounds like one of those pseudo-philosophical, pretentious sentences you'd find in a teen's diary; it belabors the painfully obvious. Is that what you intend -- for the character to be pretentious?
quote:
swept away in 12 days of fire and despair
Any number less than a hundred should be spelled out in prose.
quote:
I watched through smoky tears
I echo Mace: is the baelnorn's eyeballs on fire? Does he weep fire and brimstone?
quote:
Each and every one of those tales, those anecdotes, sonnets, and diaries
What about the odes? The sestinas? The fables? The myths? The cooking recipes? The epics? How narrow-minded of him to care only about the sonnets and anecdotes.
Use more general terms. Sonnets and anecdotes are very specific, and when you list them this way, it begs a question: why not everything else in the same category?
quote:
I underwent a holocaust of bittersweet revivification.
Whiskey tango foxtrot this be?
Look up "purple prose" and step away slowly from the thesaurus with your hands in the air. The cousin of a word is not the word itself.
I'm sorry, but this didn't grab me. It is eminently skippable, and is one long, long parade that goes something like this: pretentious/angsty/angsty/angsty/pretentious. If it's Drizzt's journal entries you are trying to emulate, then you're halfway there; if it's readable, engaging prose you are trying to write, then you've got veritable parsecs to cross. There's no story in it, just massive chunks of exposition and whiny (as well as vaguely self-satisfied) inner monologue.
Show things, not tell them. Show things happening, right from the first paragraph, because that's the most important part of any story -- the beginning must invite interest and grab attention. |
| Mace Hammerhand |
Posted - 27 Jun 2006 : 08:14:19
Um...many words and so little is being said. If this is a Drizzt-like journal-entry it should be noted as such. You cram way too much into a few paragraphs, instead of letting the events play out you summarize them; and very obscure at that.
Writing in first person is a bitch, at least for me. Also you use passive instead of active voice. If you want to go ahead and write in frist person I suggest "I, Jedi" by Mike Stackpole to get a feel for it.
My suggestion would be third person.
Some of the metaphors are out of place; e.g. smoky tears, is the narrator suffering from burning heat in his head?
You also switch back and forth in time, if Corellon had blessed him, he would have thought at that time that it wouldn't be easy, since he is reflecting on these things the choice should be: "My road has never been easy, like I expected" or some such.
You do not drag readers into your story by cramming so much info into a few paragraphs, especially since the info is only there for information's sake. If you want to show lore, SHOW it acted out, otherwise write en encyclopedia.
Some words are misplaced: holocaust for example. Maybe that is just me, but I associate holocaust with the systematic destruction of a people, not to sound disrespectful but the event you describe sounds more like a major catastrophe, like the burning of Troy, and not like an ethnic cleansing XXL.
SHOW DON'T TELL, this rule is something every person who writes prose should really really really take to heart. |
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