| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Cult_Leader |
Posted - 19 Sep 2003 : 14:49:37
I found this on a web site I hope you enjoy them, if not then to damn bad heh.
Top Ten Spells That Never Made It:
1. Berman's Death-to-the-Caster.
2. Power word, Fart.
3. Gelatinous Shell (immediately surrounds the caster in a gelatinous cube).
4. Safe Fall (like feather fall, but makes you weigh as much as a 12 ton bank vault).
5. Polymorph Udder (a highly specialized spell which only affects female cattle).
6. Stinking Klaus (summons a fat, smelly German business man, who chases your enemies while eating an Oktoberfest sausage and belching).
7. Magnetskin (a variation of stoneskin - makes the caster's skin magnetic, giving all metallic weapons a +10 bonus to hit).
8. Meatier Swarm (large chunks of ground chuck rain to the ground).
9. Polymorph Any Omelet.
10. Fireballs (sets the target's testicles on fire - very effective, but a bit too kinky for TSR).
Top Ten Signs It's Time to Get New AD&D Books:
1. Most of your player's handbook's pages are stuck together with coke, mouldy pepperonis, and chocolate smudges.
2. Your books are a bacteriologists dream.
3. When you try to pick up your DMG it disintegrates into a pile of dust.
4. When running games, you have to invent rules from your DMG because it's no longer legible.
5. Household pets keep trying to eat your Monster Manual.
6. When you turn the page, sometimes it flies across the room.
7. Your first edition DMG has a large brown wear-mark where "lucky" dice rolls have been done over the years.
8. You can't tell one book from another - you have to go by thickness.
9. You like to sit on your DMG because its biothermal heat keeps you nice and warm.
10. When you spill coke on them, it doesn't show because the paper is so brown with age
Top Ten Signs You Can No Longer Trust The Thief In Your Party:
1. Your characters often get sharp pains in their backs (followed by profuse bleeding).
2. After dinner, your PC often gets indigestion, followed by nausea (followed by death).
3. Thief always wants to take first watch, then can't be found in the morning.
4. Valuable items keep disappearing from your fighter's cloak (the one with the large side pockets).
5. After battles, the thief often regretfully explains there's no treasure (but seems to have difficulty walking).
6. Your PC's gold seems to be taking on a slight greenish colour.
7. Healing potions do very little to heal your character (and taste kinda watery).
8. Thief always hangs back in battle, and complains he "just couldn't get into the right position".
9. Strangely, everyone has a hangover the next morning except the thief.
10. The chance of a PC dying from "food poisoning" seems directly proportionate to his wealth
Top Ten Signs You Just Met the Main Bad Guy:
1. Your assassin henchman just wet his pants.
2. The ancient red dragon you had just been fighting says "S**t, I'm out of here!" and flies away.
3. The bad guy just laughed evilly, and seven birds fell dead out of the sky.
4. The DM chuckles, and says "I spent seven hours rolling this guy up".
5. The bad guy burps, and a human toe flies out of his mouth.
6. The DM plays a tape of scary organ music, and starts talking like Boris Karloff.
7. The bad guy is dressed all in black, but has one of those little yellow smiley face buttons (DMs can be sooo sarcastic).
8. You point your wand of fire at him, and it melts.
9. The bad guy keeps Elminster in a cage, and occasionally pokes him with a fork.
10. After the battle, the only Player Character to survive is the one that stayed back in town with the flu.
Top Ten Signs Your DM is Too Hard:
1. You've been playing for 3 weeks, and have 76 dead characters.
2. You're playing in Darksun, but still only use Method I to roll characters.
3. Your fighter gets a bit tipsy, and piches the barmaid's bottom. The barmaid pulls out her bow and her arrow of fighter slaying.
4. Your 15th level thief just had the snot kicked out of him by an eight year old girl.
5. There are lethal traps on every latrine door.
6. Most peasants have 20 hit dice, and many know the power word, kill spell.
7. Somehow you've done it. Your party has slain Emberburn, the most fearsome and powerful Red Dragon the DM has ever created. The DM stares at you in shock, still staring down at the "1" he rolled on the dragon's last attack. After poking him in the arm for five minutes, chanting "horde….horde…..horde…." over and over, he looks up at you. The look of surprise fades, and an evil grin replaces it. "As it happens," the DM says with glee, "the dragon had cast Project Image just before the party entered the cavern….".
8. Your mage has an argument with a local spice merchant. Finally, annoyed to the breaking point, he casts charm on the merchant. Sadly, the merchant is a retired 22nd level elven mage. Shaking your head, you reach for the statistic rolling dice once again…
9. Trees can, and often do, explode in huge, 20d6 hit die fireballs. No explanation is ever offfered.
10. Regular rabbits are gone. They have been replaced by the killer-rabbit from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".
Top Ten Signs Your DM is Too Easy:
1. The red dragon suddenly develops a chest cold, and cannot use it's breath weapon.
2. Your party sneaks into the lich's secret dungeons. Luckily for them, the lich has been born-again, and sent all his undead minions off to do charity work for the poor.
3. The phrase "Oh geez, what do I need with another +5 vorpal longsword" is used during game play.
4. Your cleric is on a first name basis with his god, because of all the times the god has had to pop in to save the cleric's butt.
5. Any major city has at least one "Ressurect-a-matic" on every street corner.
6. All the city's guards are first level, and are easily spooked by the Flamefinger cantrip.
7. Bubba the Mighty, the most powerful and evil mage in the world, has a soft spot for fast-talking halflings. Instead of casting meteor swarm and annihilating the party, he decides to teleport away.
8. The party is dividing treasure. The fighter says "Ok, who wants the staff of the magi? Anybody? Anyone at all? Ok, we leave it leaning against a tree stump."
9. The DM uses a four sider to roll monster attacks.
10. The gods in your campaign worship the player characters.
Top Ten Signs You Pissed Off the Villagers:
1. The "interesting new stew" you've been served at the inn smells suspiciously like sewage.
2. One ripe apple at the market place costs more than your last spellbook.
3. They're building a gallows outside of your room at the inn. They try to tell you that it's "modern art".
4. One of them asks you for a donation for the "Hire Some Thugs to Kill the Adventurers" fund.
5. Someone glued a spike to your saddle.
6. At bed time, your goose-down pillow explodes. The innkeeper says that the pillow was made from the feathers of very angry geese.
7. People keep providing you with gifts of horses, and maps out of town.
8. The mayor declares a special "Murder of Foreigners is No Longer Illegal" day, in your honour.
9. Arrows keep appearing in the dirt at your feet. Local villagers shake their head, and claim that they are fast-growing weeds.
10. The villagers hire a band of trolls to rid their town of adventurers.
Top Ten Signs You Play Too Much ADnD:
1. Someone says "Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on your hand?", and you reply "Those aren't tattoos, they're die imprints."
2. Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years - and you haven't.
3. You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can have the same skin color.
4. You've been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke, and pizza that your body now contains more plastic than your dice.
5. You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG, but you can't remember how many kids you have.
6. You sign personal correspondences with your character's name.
7. After months of work, you have made up the entire dwarven language - words, rules of vocabulary, the whole lot. You are bilingual, and can now speak fluid dwarven. Your friends stare at you strangely, and no one will sit on the same side of the table as you.
8. Drug addict and alcoholic friends of yours often stop you to say "Dude, get a grip".
9. Your "If I won the lottery" plans involve creating: (a) a really cool AD&D room, or (b) hiring actors to play monsters so that you and your friends can play AD&D for real.
10. You'd rather get a natural 18 when rolling character statistics than win the lottery.
Famous Last Words:
"Of course its evil, kill it!"
"It can't talk to us like that!"
"What do you mean?! How many hit points do I have?!"
"Was that thunder, or were you rolling damage?"
"No really. I can do this."
"You mean it was a GOOD dragon?"
"I'll steal the 20+ level mage's pouch."
"What the hell, there's six of us and only 5 type VI demons."
"A wish? Okay, genie, make me a ham sandwich."
"Hey, all I need is a two or better to save vs. poison."
"YO! Grendel! Your momma wears combat boots!"
"I dunno what a tarrasque is, but it can't be TOO tough."
"What do you mean, the dragon wakes up?"
"Wait! What's deathspell do?"
"Go ahead and drink it."
"I'll never surrender."
"It was a joke."
"Hey guys, where are you?"
"I mix the potions and drink."
"There's no such thing as a bottomless pit. Everybody knows that."
"Featherball! I mean, featherrrr........"
"Do you realize what you just did?"
"Tell me this is an illusion."
"What do you mean, my spell expired."
"I'll cast Fireball."
"Let's go in."
"Let's not go in."
"I follow them."
"I stab the dragon and tell it to get off me."
"I drink the bottle marked POISON on the off-chance that it's the extra-healing potion."
"I kill it."
"Whaddya mean, a pentagram only has FIVE sides?"
"What a useless scroll. It just says, HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR over and over again..."
"I though YOU brought the food!"
"Why is your torch flame turning blue?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
"Trust me."
"I never get lost."
"He hit me for HOW MUCH?????"
"They're only kobolds!"
"Hey, this chest just bit me!"
"I try to move silently in plate armor..."
"I didn't find any traps !!"
"Wonder what this button does ?"
"Don't worry, he's probably just first level."
"This 250' wall has so many holes, it should be easy to climb."
"I'll just close my eyes and walk up to the dracolisk holding up my mirror"
"Can I eat this green slime?"
"What's your alignment?"
"My character WANTS to go out in a blaze of glory."
"I'll just walk up to the dragon invisibly"
"Why is this man speaking in sign language?"
"This type of undead can't drain levels"
"I'll open the door, sneak up on him from behind and backstab him!"
"We're in luck! The dragon is sleeping"
"That's only a statue"
"There's no trap on the door, so let's open it"
"I have this dungeon at home, I know where everything is!"
"Don't worry, the DM won't hose me"
"The DM's an idiot."
"We'll untie the prisoners and lock them in the closet."
"I see HOW MANY wights?!"
"It was only the wind."
"Don't worry, wyverns don't attack unless they're provoked."
"You watch the door, I'll take out the Gas Spore (Beholder) that's guarding the treasure."
"A Nightmare, huh? I'll attack for one round and prepare to run."
"I'll take off my armor so I'm silent and slip past the dragon."
"They need a twenty to hit me, I'm invincible"
"I throw a rock at the eight-legged lizard to get it's attention."
"Who's the bitch with the spiders?"
"We killed all monsters on this level."
"I've been here before. There are no traps in this section."
"Well ..., I'll touch it again"
"I'll scout ahead."
"I attempt to disbelieve"
"I know if I draw a card I'll get the VOID."
"My first arrow MISSED the magic-user pointing at me? OK, I shoot again!"
"Where'd that thief go now?"
"Hey guys...wait up."
"Trap? What trap?"
"So what?"
"Ya know, since our druid's been so obnoxious, it would probably serve him right if we set his precious forest on fire."
"A creature with two BABOON heads on a scaly REPTILIAN body? With TENTACLES for arms? Hunh. Must be some stupid wizard's magical construct. Let's kill it."
"OK, O Mighty Odin, as long as you're not gonna answer my prayers, I'm gonna tell ya what I REALLY think of ya!"
"No, I'm sure there's some stipulation that says a disintegrate spell won't work if the spellcaster casts it on himself. Here, I'll prove it."
"Oops, I spilled flaming oil on my beard. I'd better wash it off after we kill this fire lizard."
"Well, we know he's LAWFUL evil, so he should keep his word when he promised not to betray us."
"So I'm safely across the pit? Whew! For a minute there I was worried that you might remember my encumbrance penalties."
"Thank God!! A hobgoblin camp up ahead! Maybe they can help heal our wounded!"
"Don't worry! The chances of me blowing a climb walls roll twice, at my level, are infinintesimal."
"Well, *I* trust our party thief, and if he says this door isn't trapped, that's good enough for me."
"So that giant fell into the pit? I'll jump over it and get his treasure."
"Me first. Me first."
"Try me, sh*t breath!"
"Oops, sorry...didn't mean to disturb you."
"Come on, we haven't found any traps so far."
"Diamonds ... Gold... Saphires!!! Terry! Terry, we're rich, we're rich, we're fabulously wealthy!!!! Terry...Terry...??"
"Let's walk this way."
"Hey folks, follow me, I remember the way to the dungeon exit."
"I never get to have any fun!"
"You mean they get to use the critical hit chart too?"
"Hey, I know a dragon when I see one."
"What do you mean the whole room we're in detects as a trap?"
"Hey you! Frost Giant! How's the weather up there?"
"Just watch, I bet I get the one item that's cursed."
"I'm invincible!"
"A sign labeled `pit'? I walk up to it."
"No problem. That's easy!"
"Hah! I'm not dead yet. I still have five hit points."
"I don't care. I have a Ring of Regeneration."
"Yeah, I know it's dangerous, but think of the experience points."
"I stand right underneath the Fire Giant and point my wand straight up."
"I wonder what's in here?"
"He wouldn't try that trick again!"
"Just because you're a dragon doesn't mean you can push ME around."
"What do you mean trolls regenerate!?!"
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."
"I'll open it."
"It seems easy enough"
"I think he can be trusted."
"Those noises are probably nothing."
"I'll pull the lever."
"Money!"
"Magic is for wimps."
"Oh. He'll miss. Just look at my AC."
"Hey, where'd all the big spiders come from?"
"AGAIN!?!?!"
"I'll use my taunt skill."
"Your mother was a Gully Dwarf."
"My God will protect me."
"You don't look like a mage!"
"It'd be stupid to trap this!"
"Here, hold this rope while I go down."
"Well, if you didn't belch, who did?"
"I know an illusion when I see one."
"There's a smell of gas, huh? Well, my lantern is hooded. It ought to be safe."
"I cast a lightning bolt at the ochre jelly."
"Lightning bolts don't ricochet off stone walls, do they?"
"A ballista? What's that? How many dice of damage does it do?"
"So what if he calls the guard? A backwater town like this can't have a very big militia."
"What do you mean, `Your wand ran out of charges.'?"
"Oh these, I've fought them before..."
"He looks like a sunburnt elf?"
"All that noise we heard and there's only one drow here?"
"You'd have to be a GOD to smile after that hit!"
"Take out a Beholder's eyes, and Bingo!"
"I can't possibly miss..."
"I go through the door... Wait, I check for traps!"
"Don't be silly. That kind of monster NEVER follows you."
"Is this one really able to breath fire?"
"What do you mean, 'How many hit points do I have RIGHT NOW?'?"
"Come on, EVERY evil wizard's tomb has a way out!"
"It can't be a beholder, we're only first level!"
"When nobody's looking, I go back to get some more gems."
"It's an illusion. No spell can reshape the side of a mountain like that. I disbelieve and walk off the 500' cliff."
"He's only an ordinary 15th level magic user."
CLICK! "What do you mean, 'The trap WASN'T armed.'? What was that Remove Traps roll for anyway!?"
"How was I to know that that orc would tell the truth about us not wanting to come in here!"
"What do you mean, 'Green slime ain't always green.'?"
"Nah...the game's just started....he wouldn't put a fatal death trap in yet.."
"You don't get Humanoid 8th level wizards. He's only bluffing"
"(To Angry Red Dragon) Did anyone tell you you had bad breath?"
"There's HOW many Githyanki sleeping bunks in this chamber?"
"A red WHAT swoops out of the sky at us?"
"I'll swim across."
"I throw the rock into the dark cave."
"I run down the hallway alone."
"I'll use the wand of wonder."
"I want to check out the magic tome."
"Hmm...I'll try Chain Lightning"
"Ok, the dragon's asleep. You guys wait back here with bows and stuff. Getafix and I will go up in front of it and cast light on it's eyes to blind him, then we'll blow his brains out with psionics."
"Garth, you be the anchor. I tie the rope around myself, take the slack [700'] and jump in."
"There's only 10 kobolds and there's 8 of us. Attack!"
"I dive through the fire."
"Follow those lights!"
"There's a company of 100 barbarians guarding the pass" "I don't think they want us to cross these mountains." "So what?"
"It's only a naga."
"I'm not going to waste spells on THEM!"
"That's right, I'm going to polymorph into a pergrine falcon and attempt to land on the back of one of the 12 griffons flying above us."
"I think we can take it down."
"There only a pack of kobolds."
"Does a three save?"
"C'mon guys -- he can't kill _all_ of us!"
"I use animal empathy to calm the charging Triceratops."
"There's only three of them. Watch the one that looks like Death, though."
"Just because you can breathe fire doesn't mean you can push *us* around."
"Hmm...how do we know you are the REAL Angel of Death?"
"Hey, it's only a black dragon, a vampire, and a lich.... and we've got a horn of bubbles!"
"I sneak up to the Lich and pick its pockets."
"This is a wimp dungeon."
"What does this lever do?"
"If I were you, Demon, I would sit back down!"
"That purple robe really clashes with your burning eyes..."
"Bow to a Demon? Never!"
"Elminster, you old fart, I thought you were really mad for a minute."
"What do you mean I turn into a bug?"
"Oh, please! Vampires have so many weaknesses, you can't help but kill them!"
"What do mean feather fall wears off?"
"Okay, we'll attack the small boulette first."
"What do you mean, the Wall of Ice vanishes?"
"They CAN'T have initiative!"
"You've got 80 hit points; YOU open the treasure chest"
"The Hall of Blades? Hey, I've got an 18 dex."
"What do you mean my axe bounces off him? What's Stoneskin do anyway?"
"C'mon guys...how bad could it be?!"
"Cmon guys, it was only a rumor, theres nothing here"
"So what, I have the artifact"
"Ok, so theres a few more of them"
"But I just got a little prick!"
"Did he say he had Plate Mail +5? I stop running and fight him!"
"Hey, do you guys think that this might just be an illusio...(whack)"
"I pick the lock on the magic shop window."
"We charge!"
And the ultimate famous last word:
"Oops."
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| 30 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Cult_Leader |
Posted - 07 Nov 2003 : 13:50:40
Go ahead I only know them cause I have read them from other places. Or people have told them to me. So spread the jpy and slap these jokes any place you like. |
| Alaundo |
Posted - 06 Nov 2003 : 17:39:03
Well Met
::chuckle::
Indeed, Cult_Leader, with your permission we would like to include a number of these over in the humor chamber. |
| Lord Rad |
Posted - 06 Nov 2003 : 17:21:29
ROFLMAO 
Fantastic, Cult_Leader!!  |
| Cult_Leader |
Posted - 06 Nov 2003 : 13:20:16
Meh, I thought you would like them. |
| William of Waterdeep |
Posted - 04 Nov 2003 : 02:26:37
I really liked all of these last ones,the last 3 are really good. |
| Cult_Leader |
Posted - 03 Nov 2003 : 14:27:53
An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"
An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"
The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"
"What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"
The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"
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| Cult_Leader |
Posted - 03 Nov 2003 : 14:26:32
An Elf, a Gnome and a Dwarf are standing side-by-side at the urinal.
The elf finishes and proceeds to wash his hands. He is scrubbing and washing his hands clear up to his elbows. He turns to the other two and comments: Our Elders have taught us Elves to be clean.
The Gnome finishes his business and he quickly wets the tips of his fingers and comments: Our Druid Elders have taught us Gnomes to be conservative of natures resources.
The Dwarf finishes his business and heads straight for the door, He turns and comments: Our Elders have taught us Dwarves how not to piss on our hands.
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| Cult_Leader |
Posted - 03 Nov 2003 : 14:25:00
An elf, a human and a dwarf were enjoying a nice meal when a fight breaks out in the common room of a tavern.
The human immediately stood up and said. "Come friends, let's join this fight and toss them out."
The elf placed a hand on the human's arm and said, "We shouldn't fight unless we have to. Leave them alone."
The dwarf just sat and watched the fight go on.
tables were overturned, chairs were thrown and the fight just kept on going until all of a sudden, the dwarf growls and launches himself into the fray. In a matter of seconds he's beat up and thrown out all the combatants and has sat back at his chair.
His two companions sit rather stunned and look at him. Finally the human asks, "What came over you?"
Just then a serving wench arrives with the Dwarf's tankard of Ale and says, "Thanks, I thought I'd never get your drinks here because of that fight."
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| Cult_Leader |
Posted - 03 Nov 2003 : 14:23:47
Dragoon J'riel an hiz tropps wur marchin' intae tha mountains ae Butcher Block, closin in on tha greatcity ae Kaladim. Az theybe roodin' a corner they heart a shoot from on top ae nearby hill. Lookin' up they see a dwarf what be standin' on tha hill callin' 'em names an such, grabbin himsel' an makin rude gestures at 'em. He shooted oot
"I be Kazon Stormhammer tha meenest, brawest dwarf wote'er lived. Nae match fer masel' ben' foun' in a' tha lands ae Norrath. Ye fookin' inkies can nae tooch a hair ae me beard. Get ye stinkin' pimply inkie arses oot ae me mountains."
Now tha Dragoon he got reel pissed at hearin' this an he shoots back intae hiz troops," Guard Taba go git me that dwarfs head." So up jumps guard Taba, he goes runnin' up tha hill an' soon can be heard tha soun' ae battle. The soun' ae steel on steel an' ae a sudden a loud "Plop". Down o'er tha hill comes rollin guard Taba's head, rolloin' ta the ver' feet ae the Dragoon. We' ol' J"riel neer has't a fit, he wuz totally pissed at wot had jus' happened.
When again they be hearin' tha dwarf shoot oot, "I be Kzon Stormhammer tha brawest dwarf wote'er walked tha mountains ae Butcher Block. Ye darkies shoult run ye little arse's back ta ye hame an hide 'for we come after ye. Ye all smell like dragon ****e" an look like a Orc's arse."
That dragoon wuz furious he wuz stompin' an' a screamin' turnin' his skin all shades ae purple. He screamed oot,
"Corporal T'nath take four men an bring me that dwarfs private parts." So tha Corporal he grabbed hiz four men an up tha hill they run jumpin o'er the top an soon could be heart tha soun' ae battle, the cling an clang ae sword on shield. All at wance those below hear tha fam'lar soun' ae "Plop, Plop, Plop" an down tha hill wot come tha heads ae tha corporal an hiz men.
An up stands Kazon shooting at tha top ae hiz lungs, "I be Kazon Stormhammer tha dwarf of dwarves, slayer ae darkelves tha world o'er. All ye blue skinned fookers not e'en worth tha time it takes ta kill ye."
Well now ol' Dragoon J'riel almost pisset himsel'. He turnt' an screamed at hiz troops, "Get yur arse up there an get me that dwarfs head, all ae ye! Now!"
So up leapt all tha troops wot wuz left an they ran up tha hill soon enoug' could be heard tha soun's ae battle. The dragoon he coul' see blood an' limbs a flyin. When ae a sudden he spies a young guard come runnin' an' a slippin down tha hill fear in hiz eyes. Well J'Riel shoots oot,
Wot's the matter boy?" The guard shooted oot as he ran away, "There be two of 'em up there sir."
(LMFAO DAMN DARKY ELVES! lol) |
| Cult_Leader |
Posted - 03 Nov 2003 : 14:19:03
An elf is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a dwarf. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the elf doesn't get uncomfortable until the dwarf drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the dwarf, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the elf thanks the dwarf and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the elf is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The dwarf reaches out, gets a tight grip on the elf's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your platinum or I'll jump off the ladder!"
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| Cult_Leader |
Posted - 03 Nov 2003 : 14:17:31
Dwarves go to war.
Durin Ironshield of the iron hills pays a visit to the Elven King of Mirkwood.
"Sir", says Durin, "We have decided to go to war with ye."
The elven king looks incredulous, but takes war seriously.
"We? Who is this we?", he says sternly.
"Well, that would be me, me brother Thorin, his son Durin, our cousins Olin and Golin, and our pop Thrain."
"My good Dwarf, I have 1100 elves at my command that can be ready to move on a moment's notice.", says the king.
"Oh.", replies Durin. "Let me get back to ye on that."
The Dwarf leaves, but returns two days later.
"Ok king, I have rounded up two more cousins and we a few axes between us all."
"Sir Dwarf, I have 300 of the finest archers around, plus my royal guards are all spellsingers, armed with swords of sharpness."
"Oh, well, I see." The Dwarf lord thinks a bit. "Let me come back to ye."
And he leaves to return again in two days.
"Ok king, we have rounded up a few more swords and I think we are ready".
"You should know my good dwarf that I have since raised the size of my elven army to 1300."
"Ah fok!", and the dwarf leaves. He comes back the next day.
"Well king, I am afraid we have to call off the war."
"I am sorry to hear that. Was it the power of my elven army to changed your mind?"
"Nah, I spoke to all my kin and we decided that we just did not have the room for 1300 prisoners." |
| Cult_Leader |
Posted - 03 Nov 2003 : 14:15:35
An Elf walks into a pub and clears his voice to the crowd of dwarven drinkers. He says, "I hear you dwarves are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 gold to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of extra stout back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the elf's offer. One dwarf even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same dwarf who left shows back up and taps the elf on the back. "Is your bet still good?" asks the dwarf.
The elf says yes and asks the pub keep to line up 10 pints of extra stout. Immediately the dwarf tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the elf sits in amazement. The elf gives the dwarf the 500 gold and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The dwarf replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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| Cult_Leader |
Posted - 03 Nov 2003 : 14:06:42
BWAHAHAHAHAH! And I yest again come back to my all mighty post section and find that your all still feeding me with power by posting in them. Well here is soemthing to help you stay upon my path s that i can be the god of riddles jokes and odd mosnters.
http://www.cliveblackledge.com/8bit/8bitDandD.html |
| William of Waterdeep |
Posted - 29 Oct 2003 : 21:34:44
quote:
Originally posted by Bookwyrm
Bookwyrm hands William back his map, now marked with his corrections.
Though I hope no one ever shows that second "joke" to King Tiax . . . 
I haven't seen a post by him in awhile.
Thanks for the help with the link. |
| Bookwyrm |
Posted - 29 Oct 2003 : 03:53:47
Bookwyrm hands William back his map, now marked with his corrections.
Though I hope no one ever shows that second "joke" to King Tiax . . . |
| William of Waterdeep |
Posted - 29 Oct 2003 : 03:01:46
quote:
Originally posted by Arivia
There is actually a feature on D&D, FR, and AD&D humor. It never received much attention, and lies hidden in Alaundo's Bookshelf, if I'm not mistaken...
I must look,I must have missed this,how did I miss humor?
Yep-->Jokes and Humor..Sorry,I couldn't get the link to work. |
| Arivia |
Posted - 26 Oct 2003 : 12:26:28
There is actually a feature on D&D, FR, and AD&D humor. It never received much attention, and lies hidden in Alaundo's Bookshelf, if I'm not mistaken... |
| The Sage |
Posted - 26 Oct 2003 : 07:17:47
Whoops...it must have slipped my mind.
Because in the end, more work for Alaundo, means more work for his head scribes... .
|
| Bookwyrm |
Posted - 26 Oct 2003 : 07:15:39
Now, now, Sage. You know how our esteemed Head Librarian feels about people making work for him . . . .
After all, making work for people is his job.
Heheh-- Ow.  |
| The Sage |
Posted - 26 Oct 2003 : 06:41:08
There has been some great work presented in this thread so far. Perhaps Alaundo should make this a permanent feature here at Candlekeep...
|
| lowtech |
Posted - 25 Oct 2003 : 00:26:45
quote:
Originally posted by Bookwyrm
That's only true if the majority of your posts are just like that. However, I know you contribute, and don't just try to look like you do.
If it makes you feel better, try to take a look at the accusations thrown against me in the past.
Thanks, Bookwyrm. (Oops, there I go again...) |
| William of Waterdeep |
Posted - 24 Oct 2003 : 22:16:50
quote:
Originally posted by Bookwyrm
Funny. I bet William's going to like that one.
Like isn't the word....I love it Kitira . but how did you know I would like it. |
| Arivia |
Posted - 24 Oct 2003 : 22:00:41
That's hilarious, Kitiara! |
| Kitira Gildragon |
Posted - 24 Oct 2003 : 20:54:43
Ok, I just thought of this during a conversation with someone.
Otto's Irresistable DDR Machine-
It creates a two player machine for the party to have a 'dance-off' on. There is no saving throw. You must make a dex check every minute to see if you screw up. At the end, a machine shows you a tape of your screw ups. |
| Bookwyrm |
Posted - 24 Oct 2003 : 18:23:44
That's only true if the majority of your posts are just like that. However, I know you contribute, and don't just try to look like you do.
If it makes you feel better, try to take a look at the accusations thrown against me in the past. |
| lowtech |
Posted - 24 Oct 2003 : 17:52:04
I like it. (I'm also a post-whore, apparrently). |
| Bookwyrm |
Posted - 24 Oct 2003 : 17:06:41
Funny. I bet William's going to like that one. |
| Kitira Gildragon |
Posted - 24 Oct 2003 : 16:32:41
Bah... I've been working on a rather funny half-elven character that I plan to role play, and I've been trying to compose songs, since she's a bard. Well, my friend kinda took over and finished the lyrics for me, but I find them funny.
Don't Fight Fair- The Master of Mayhem, Kentrain
Don¡¯t be someone¡¯s doormat,
Or a Damsel in Distress,
Just get yourself a two-by-four
And drop them on their ass.
It¡¯s better off to live
And be dishonored, too
Than let those flaming bastards live
And do the same to you.
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Kick them in the balls!
Don¡¯t stop there!
Don¡¯t stop there!
Kick them till they fall!
They say that winners never cheat
And cheaters never win,
Then they¡¯ll sucker-punch you
And say, take it on the chin.
Don¡¯t take it lying down
Or let them get away with that
First jump them by surprise
And beat them with a bat
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Let that be the rule!
Don¡¯t stop there!
Don¡¯t stop there!
Fight dirty, mean and cruel!
Jab an ice pick in their eye
Kick and scratch and bite.
Do any thing it takes
To be the winner of the fight!
Take a crow bar to their legs
Let them know that they have lost!
Leave them as a smoking ruin
No matter what it costs!
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Let their blood flow free!
Don¡¯t stop there!
Don¡¯t stop there!
On to victory!
If you want to be the best
Give it everything you¡¯ve got
Forget about the rest
They don¡¯t deserve a shot.
Make them live in fear,
Wherever you may go.
Bring your own explosives
And then everyone can blow.
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Always carry knives!
Don¡¯t stop there!
Don¡¯t stop there!
Skin them all alive!
Now you and I both know
That cheating is a fact
So any time you get the chance
Then stab them in the back!
Whips and chains are fun
Brass knuckles are a blast!
Or you can take a pointy sword
And shove it up their ass!
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Smack them in the head!
Don¡¯t stop there!
Don¡¯t stop there!
Beat them till they¡¯re dead!
On a Bible they will swear
To always have fought nice.
But if you¡¯re been listening to my song
You¡¯ll follow my advice!
Don¡¯t hold back any trick
Or give them time to gloat.
Take that ****ing Bible of theirs
And shove it down their throat!
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Don¡¯t fight fair!
Throw broken glass and pins!
Don¡¯t stop there!
Don¡¯t stop there!
The last one standing wins!
The last one standing wi-i-i-i-ins!
|
| William of Waterdeep |
Posted - 22 Oct 2003 : 21:31:47
quote:
Originally posted by Arivia
*Pounds a signpost into the ground, then hangs two signs on it:
William: Will work for AD&D books.
Arivia: Will work for AD&D books, D20 books, and some D&D books.*
There, that should do it.*Dusts off hands.*
Well done my friend,wait isn't your sign taller than mine?
Joking,looks good. |
| Arivia |
Posted - 22 Oct 2003 : 21:12:23
*Pounds a signpost into the ground, then hangs two signs on it:
William: Will work for AD&D books.
Arivia: Will work for AD&D books, D20 books, and some D&D books.*
There, that should do it.*Dusts off hands.* |
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