| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Dantrag |
Posted - 11 Apr 2006 : 02:58:01
I WOULD LIKE THY OPINION ON THIS PRELUDE(I GUESS U WOULD CALL IT THAT)...........THANK THEE
He silently moved across the streets of Tier-Lanor, a mere shadow across the landscape. The nightblade cast an enchantment over him to make himself invisible to only the keenest of eyes. Out of his cloak, he brought his famous dagger¡K, Shadow Fang, as it was rightfully called. It was said that the blade was made from a shadow dragons tooth and the hilt from his scales. The blade was completely black, and the tang had carvings and runes caressing the handle, but the most notable thing about Shadow Fang was the silver crosspiece, and within it a dark crystal of some sort. The blade somewhat resembled its master. The nightblade dawned a black cloak and boots. His face was hard and determined, but with a twinge of fairness. On his hands were various rings of magic, and under his tunic was an amount of magic amulets. He systematically walked to a small alley, making sure that no one was following him. After he was sure that there was no one tailing him, he held his ringed hand up in front of him. Shadows swirled around him and his skin took on a darker hue then he vanished.
ƒÑƒnƒÑƒnƒÑ
The nightblade appeared in a small room. It was dark, but the shadow sensitive eyes of the nightblade could pierce the darkness. The room held a bed, fireplace, and dining area. There was a large man nesting in a chair by the fireplace. That was the nightblades target. He moved closer to his prey, his dagger hand poised very skillfully, about to strike. He was close enough to smell the must of the man, which consisted of alcohol and urine. Suddenly the door to the mans room rang open and two figures, each clad in heavy armor, entered the room. The large man awoke with a grunt and leaped out of his seat. ¡§What is it?¡¨ he said with tiredness. One of the armored figures looked around,¡¨ We have news, General Heridir,¡Kthe tribesmen are attacking the city of Tevec and threaten its very existence!¡¨ he responded. The nightblade, high in the air levitating, heard the two men. It was now or never. Dispelling his invisibility, the nightblade attacked by a throw of another one of his daggers from his boots. The steel dagger struck an armored man in the throat, spilling his life blood everywhere. The armored man came in fast with a high long sword attack, which the nightblade easily avoided, slicing the mans side open with shadow fang. The mans skin turned to a dusky black and he rotted down to his bones in an instant, as a result of the magic in the dagger. General Heridir had been watching the entire thing, which took about a second. The general then grasped an axe hanging above the fireplace. He attacked with a swipe that the nightblade avoided with some effort. The nightblade lashed back with a thrust of his dagger. The general was a seasoned warrior though and avoided the dagger, but only by a few centimeters. He punched the shaft of the axe up at the nightblade¡¦s face. The nightblade ducked, tripped the general, caught him, and put a dagger to his throat. After a few seconds, the general spoke,¡¨ Before you kill me, tell me one thing¡K¡¨. The expression on the nightblades face was blank,¡¨ Go on¡K¡¨ the nightblades voice rang with mockery. The general seemed not to notice,¡¨ Who are you?¡¨ he asked. That took the nightblade back a bit, but he regained his posture, he had never been asked that by prey.¡¨ I am Aldrick, a nightblade, one of high caliber¡K¡¨ his expression remained blank,¡¨ and you, are dead.¡¨ With that, he slit the generals¡¦ throat, leaving him to the meaningless existence of death.
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| 4 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Dantrag |
Posted - 12 Apr 2006 : 01:49:07
thank u all and i do agree with both of u.........i was just trying to get the characters name across.....,and trying to think of a cool way to do it....but yeah i really dont know what to make the story yet but im thinking.......thanks for the help!!! ps: patent pending |
| Mask |
Posted - 11 Apr 2006 : 21:14:50
"The nightblade cast an enchantment over him to make himself invisible to only the keenest of eyes."
It could be just me, but I'd change either "invisible" to "visible" or "only" into "everyone but". I don't mean to be picky, but I noticed it. Anyway, I liked the story so far. About the comment Deverien made, I have a suggestion, although I doubt it's any good. Here goes. How about the general being upset once he notices the assassin and just shouts:"Who are you?!?!" And just before (or while) your assassin kills him, he says his name and stuff. Once the general is dead he might say "And you... are dead."
Anywayz, keep up the good work. |
| Deverien Valandil |
Posted - 11 Apr 2006 : 17:40:01
Don't forget to use paragraphs. Big blocks of unformatted text are scaaary.
"Before you kill me, tell me one thing..."
"Who are you?"
That's a pretty common cliche, especially since it seems you only did that to put a name on your character. You could probably think of a more realistic way of doing that. It's a little hard to believe that the nightblade would even bother wasting time by granting that request, considering how you've portrayed the assassin as being cold and ruthless. |
| Faramicos |
Posted - 11 Apr 2006 : 11:38:55
Well written... Sounds like a character/game i would like to play if it was offered to me. How do you intend to use the prelude? For an adventure or for a single character? Are one of the characters to play Aldrick the nightblade? Would very much like to hear how it goes... |
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