| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Wooly Rupert |
Posted - 29 Aug 2005 : 23:40:33
Okay, Big Al okayed this topic (kinda  ). And this seemed like the appropriate area for it...
I found this by following a link in the LJ community. I boldfaced the ones that specifically refer to the Realms, and I italicized the ones that could apply to the Realms.
Just remember these during your next gaming session.  
250 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one-man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to Serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how clichéd they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering, I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character that has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyber weapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. No longer allowed to set Nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play In-A-Gada-Da-Vida on maracas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op, I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent deities.
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God!"
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu maneuver "McGuire swings for the bleachers!"
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser.
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel "Ceremonial Whoopass Stick".
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run and live!"
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps!"
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow are considered poor taste.
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to Perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay.
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on either Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of Playboy Playmates.
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others Sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
143. Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any Gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
162. Whatever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with Folger's Crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
172. At no point can I justify spending Force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a Humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
188. I cannot play an elf with a Scottish accent, nor a Cajun dwarf.
189. Tourette's is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Dual-wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
200. I cannot name my character cliché canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no Drizzt Slayer prestige class.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagen.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some Paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half-gnome, do you?
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech, it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in Medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in Obfuscate.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. Ditto for the Rockerboy.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the Jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept. |
| 30 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Adam_Garou |
Posted - 21 Sep 2005 : 14:08:24
Here are a couple from my gaming group:
1. Even after the dwarf devours four bowls of beans, two plates of boiled cabbage, and three kegs of beer, he CAN'T suddenly cast stinking cloud better than the party mage.
2. Dwarf urine is not flammable, despite the amount of alcohol that's probably in it.
3. No dwarf can realistically be named "Gotcha", "Legolas", or "Darius E. Wompler."
4. A gnome blowing his nose--no matter how big it is--does not equate to a gust of wind spell cast by a 20th-level wizard.
5. Hearing the paladin call for his "brown pants" is NOT a good sign. |
| Wooly Rupert |
Posted - 21 Sep 2005 : 00:05:16
quote:
Originally posted by Kaladorm
Always remember the gender of your character. If you're male and playing a female character don't forget you can't flirt with the elven ladies like you used to :)
Why not?  |
| Kaladorm |
Posted - 20 Sep 2005 : 22:46:59
Always remember the gender of your character. If you're male and playing a female character don't forget you can't flirt with the elven ladies like you used to :) |
| Reefy |
Posted - 19 Sep 2005 : 15:21:40
Do not act surprised if the dragon doesn't roll over and play dead. |
| The Twin Scimitars |
Posted - 19 Sep 2005 : 02:16:25
Trying to banish the DMs player into oblivion IS NOT a good idea. That one came from a personal expierence to. |
| Melfius |
Posted - 12 Sep 2005 : 02:42:39
Does anyone have any ideas on additions to this list? I know of one (from personal experience): I will not fire a magical arrow into combat until I am first sure of what it does.  |
| Thelonius |
Posted - 11 Sep 2005 : 12:30:08
Always happy being of assistance ::Contiues gazing the staff:: |
| Alaundo |
Posted - 11 Sep 2005 : 11:14:01
quote:
Originally posted by Thelonius
All books contain wisdom, real or virtual ones.... , but I think this thread was about Forgotten Realms, not Morrowind... ::Gazes to Alaundo and his LARGE staff::
Well met
Quite right, Thelonius, quite right. And well remembered, just in the nick of time |
| Thelonius |
Posted - 11 Sep 2005 : 07:53:44
quote:
Originally posted by The Twin Scimitars
Ye but if you take the time to go through and read the books in Morrowind and start quoting them you have alot of time on your hands. Iv'e read a couple of em but I never started quoting from them and I never knew someone that did. Im not sayin its bad Im just sayin you gotta alot of time on your hands.
All books contain wisdom, real or virtual ones.... , but I think this thread was about Forgotten Realms, not Morrowind... ::Gazes to Alaundo and his LARGE staff:: |
| The Twin Scimitars |
Posted - 11 Sep 2005 : 01:12:34
Ye but if you take the time to go through and read the books in Morrowind and start quoting them you have alot of time on your hands. Iv'e read a couple of em but I never started quoting from them and I never knew someone that did. Im not sayin its bad Im just sayin you gotta alot of time on your hands. |
| Faramicos |
Posted - 10 Sep 2005 : 12:54:30
OHHH the sweet power of humor... Bring me more of this elexir of laughter... |
| Thelonius |
Posted - 10 Sep 2005 : 10:31:59
What with it...? I am not closed to other role worlds. |
| The Twin Scimitars |
Posted - 10 Sep 2005 : 03:43:09
You know a person has to much time on there hands when they start quoting from the Book of Dawn and Dusk in Morrowind. |
| Thelonius |
Posted - 09 Sep 2005 : 13:30:25
What would be of our lives without tips like these to read when you are alone in front of a firecamp.... |
| Faramicos |
Posted - 09 Sep 2005 : 12:42:53
But thank god that they do... |
| The Twin Scimitars |
Posted - 09 Sep 2005 : 04:09:34
You know people have to much time on there hands when they make a list like that. |
| Wooly Rupert |
Posted - 02 Sep 2005 : 22:03:12
quote:
Originally posted by Thelonius Andrass
quote:
I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half-gnome, do you?
 My favourite one GREAT JOB WOOLY, as always.
Glad to be of service. I couldn't stop laughing when I first found this list. |
| Wooly Rupert |
Posted - 02 Sep 2005 : 22:01:00
quote:
Originally posted by Faramicos
Anybody know of any similar lists? I remember encountering one on the net for a few years ago, but i cant remember where. Any help from myou guys? They are hilarious...
It seems to be inspired by the "213 Skippy Can No Longer Do In The Army" list. My fave of that list was "If the thought of doing something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume I am not allowed to do it."  |
| Thelonius |
Posted - 02 Sep 2005 : 21:10:37
quote:
I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half-gnome, do you?
My favourite one GREAT JOB WOOLY, as always.
|
| Faramicos |
Posted - 02 Sep 2005 : 13:10:18
Anybody know of any similar lists? I remember encountering one on the net for a few years ago, but i cant remember where. Any help from myou guys? They are hilarious... |
| Melfius |
Posted - 02 Sep 2005 : 03:04:48
Well, #214 was a definite (wanted to kill him for awhile, now) and, oddly enough, #205 because I work for May Company! ( No fooling! ) |
| The Twin Scimitars |
Posted - 02 Sep 2005 : 02:07:45
Lets hope not. At least not the Drizzt Prestige Class |
| Wooly Rupert |
Posted - 02 Sep 2005 : 01:57:46
quote:
Originally posted by Melfius
Well, maybe if your stretched them a bit...
Are any of them the boldfaced ones? |
| Melfius |
Posted - 02 Sep 2005 : 01:26:34
Well, maybe if your stretched them a bit... |
| The Twin Scimitars |
Posted - 01 Sep 2005 : 21:19:29
Are you guilty of 140 of them? |
| Melfius |
Posted - 01 Sep 2005 : 18:59:59
quote:
Originally posted by Wooly Rupert
quote:
Originally posted by Melfius
Thanks, Wooly. My group is now highlighting the items I have been accused of.
If it's more than a dozen items or so, you're in trouble.
They have claimed I am somehow responsible for about 140 of them.  |
| Wooly Rupert |
Posted - 01 Sep 2005 : 17:30:39
quote:
Originally posted by Melfius
Thanks, Wooly. My group is now highlighting the items I have been accused of.
If it's more than a dozen items or so, you're in trouble. |
| Sir Luther Cromwell |
Posted - 01 Sep 2005 : 16:39:16
I BOW DOWN TO MR. WELCH AND HIS SUPERIOR GNOMEDOM!
That is true, one has to wonder about why those elves keep on getting it on with humans?
Of course, then what does this say about orcs? |
| Melfius |
Posted - 01 Sep 2005 : 14:53:05
Thanks, Wooly. My group is now highlighting the items I have been accused of. |
| Faramicos |
Posted - 01 Sep 2005 : 14:42:25
Absolutely briliant... Cant argue with such logics and observations. Pure genius |
