| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Talwyn |
Posted - 01 Nov 2004 : 09:43:14
*This is an adaptation into novel form of an online campaign I've been running for the past couple of months. I've decided to turn the posts etc into a novel for you all here to enjoy. Please excuse typos as it's a first edit, I'm spotting them everytime I read it 
So without further ado, here it is....
*Docks district, Athkatla, early spring 1374DR*
It was a busy evening in the Sea's Bounty Tavern thought Mara to herself as she sat on the little stage surveying the rowdy crowd in front of her. The half-elven bard continued to play her rowdy sea shanty, much to the delight of the crew of sailors who were cheering her along. She tossed her lustrous Auburn hair back as she sang with gusto, revealing her small pointed ears and golden olive-brown skin. Mara's bouncer stood quietly by the stage with his arms casually folded, the mean looking dwarf named Porki Thule made sure no-one heckled her or got to fresh with his client and would ensure no-one tried to pinch the coins that were thrown into the hat at the foot of the stage. The hat was half full of various coins noted the dwarf proudly, Mara was doing well tonight.
A fierce spring storm had blown in from the Sea of Swords, driving all indoors as the rain and winds howled over the city in tempestuous fury.
Mara was finishing off her tune when she noticed the door to the tavern open, letting in a frigid blast of wet air much to the annoyance of those nearest the doorway. From the doorway, two heavily cloaked and wet figures entered the Tavern. The first stood aside and let the slighter one enter in front of him as he shut the door after himself.
The couple made their way to a vacant table near the stage and sat down. The larger one pulled back the cowl of his cloak, revealing a handsome human face with green eyes and sandy blonde hair who was definitely wearing heavy armour underneath his cloak. The other cloaked figure was definitely female but kept her face hidden within the folds of her cowl. The warrior waved at one of the serving wenches so as to place an order for drinks.
Another figure sought protection within the tavern. On entering the Tavern, she looked about and smiles at the bard, sought out an unoccupied table and sat down to wait out the storm. She doffed her soaked hat and took out her hair ribbon, revealing silver hair, green eyes and tanned skin. She looked about and waited to be served by the bar wenches.
Already in the Tavern, a lone figure sat on one of the corner tables, covered in black robes, with a similiar coloured traveller’s cloak folded beside him. His hood pulled low over his face concealed any detail. The cowled figure quietly watched the performance intently, quite enjoying the show. As the bard finished her tune he clapped his hands, also covered in black fabric, applauding the performance with the rest of the audience. He turned when the door opened again, watching for a moment as the soaked human woman entered. Quietly he turned back to the bard folding his hands, candlelight shimmering across the silver trimmings along the cuffs of his sleeves. Considering the weather he thought, noting the state of the ones who had just recently entered, it is a fine night to spend in here, decent food and good song. He leans back in the bench, relaxing slightly, but ever wary.
The crowd returned to their drinks and settled somewhat as Mara had completed her set and was in need of refreshment herself as she carefully placed her lute in a sturdy leather case beside her. Porki passed her a large foaming glass of lager, which she downed gratefully.
A tired tavern wench came over to the latest arrivals.
"A bottle of your best wine for the lady and ale for me and please keep the change," requested the warrior as he passed over a platinum coin to the now pleased looking waitress. The wench went off to fetch the drinks but cast an appraising glance back at the generous and fine looking warrior.
As the wench was returning with the tray of wine and ale to the table, the door to the tavern open again, sending a chill wind through the taproom.
A peel of thunder rang out as the flash of lightning briefly lighted up the figures standing silhouette in the doorway.
The patrons of the tavern fell silent, gazes locked at the doorway.
"I told you it'd be worth it! Just look at their faces," chortled a small voice behind the door.
The figures now entered the taproom, doffing their cowls back. The first was a slight blonde man wearing a blue hooded robe and heavy black leather gauntlets. He had a cold, calculating look and moved with a precise economy. Next was a male half-elf, with jet black hair and eyes and sporting a dangerous smile as he casually pulled back his cloak to reveal a number of weapons and items strung about his person. Finally a fiercely grinning female gnome wearing a sparkling tiara, bronze bracers on her forearms, a lurid purple robe and waving a gem incrusted wand with a star on the end completed the trio that made it's way over to the table which the large warrior and his companion were seated. Mara raised an eyebrow as she wiped the foam from her lip. Leaning over as she was placing her glass down she quietly spoke to Porki, "Looks like Lucas is here for business again," as she subtly indicated the lithe blonde man as the trio that had now seated themselves at the front table with the other two newcomers. As they sat, Mara saw further figures entering the taproom from upstairs and the side rooms, carefully making their way about the Inn then stopping nonchalantly in apparently random spots.
The silver hair woman observed the newest arrivals to the pub and thought to herself that the bard was very good and considered ask the Goddess for a blessing for them. She then noted that the new arrivals went to sit with the couple & wondered at why many in the place looked at them. She studied the crowd and noticed some standing in the alcove area and above the bar with possible concealed weapons. She raised her hand so as to speak with the wench to see if the fish-stew might still be on the menu for dinner.
The cowled figure silently watched the new arrivals, his brow furrowing deeper as the second, the half-elf, pulls back his cloak to reveal his weapons, and the gnome behind him waving her wand about, and noting the sudden rush of new "patrons". Quietly, and still watching the scene, listening closely to see if he could over hear what may be said, he places a hand on his blade, lying underneath his folded cloak. Hopefully unessacary. He thinks to himself, glancing about once again.
The tavern hummed with the sound of drinkers, rowdy sailors and the general hubbub of background conversation. Mara was going to resume her seat upon the stage to continue working but something about the table in front of her made her pause. From her vantage point on top of the stage, she could see most of the facial expressions of those seated about the table. Lucas, the lithe slaver, was staring to look unhappy and when he looked unhappy people had a nasty habit of becoming dead in a rapid fashion. It must have been some comment or lack of respect by the large blonde warrior that was annoying Lucas. Maybe he didn't offer enough gold or was haggling about the price, which Mara knew was not the done thing with Lucas. He set the price & you paid, no questions asked.
She nodded to Porki and waggled her eyebrows. The dwarf gathered up the hat's contents and quickly placed them in a pouch.
The voices at the table were now starting to become harsher and louder. From the end of the crowd, Mara noticed shadowy figures begin to move their way to the table from every direction. It's becoming a bit nasty here she thought, that warrior is likely to become a galley slave or dead if he doesn't shut his mouth soon.
The four shadowy figures now had surrounded the table, mainly standing nonchalantly behind the warrior although one was behind the hooded female who so far had said nothing, just sat there quietly sipping her glass of wine.
The silver haired female saw the menacing figures surround the five people seated at the table and thought to herself, This isn't a good situation for those two people to be in. In all likelihood, it's probably a wealthy lady who's out with her paramour on the side for a walk on the wild side. Mayhap it'd be best if I intervene and distract the thugs from the lovers and their companions. She rose from her place and suddenly started to sing and dance about the table, the song and dance seeking to distract and keep the four distracted for the moment. A sword added to the dance, causing a murmur to run throughout the patrons who were now observing this latest piece of impromptu theatre. She weaved between the four shadowy figures that have closed on the table. As the song ended, she stood behind the one behind the cloaked female, sword tip pointed at the back of his/her neck.
"I sense you might plan some harm to this woman and I demand that you and yours stand away from this table," she said quietly to the man.
The female gnome watched the amazing display of sword dancing by the silver haired woman with a grin, which got larger as she drew her sword on one of the black clad figures that had semi, surrounded the table.
"Oh, I see we have a busybody in our midst. Go away busybody," she said as she pointed her sparkly wand at Vadelia. From the tip of the wand came a shower of rose petals that fluttered all about Vadelia, much to the annoyance of the gnome.
Meanwhile the rest of the figures at the table had stopped arguing and there was a very dangerous look upon Lucas's face as he glared at the still grinning warrior. The hooded female next to the warrior didn't even turn about when the woman stated her intention. Instead she through back her cowl, revealing herself to be a truly beautiful moon elf, with silver hair and flashing grey eyes. She turned to look at the figures who was menacing her with complete disdain. The human dancer smiles broadly at the roses, the gnome and wondered to herself what hostile spell was intended.
"Flowers for me? How kind of you," she said with a sweet grin at the mottled-faced gnome who had slapped the wand in her hand angrily.
The dancer waited for the figures surrounding the table, now with swords openly drawn sword to move. She recognised a moon elf when the cowl was lowered and kept the surprise of her face. What would one of them be doing with a human warrior she thought to herself. Across from the table where the scene was unfolding and still sitting, the lone figure in the black robe silently watched the scene unfold before him, keeping an eye on the other figures in the room that it seemed the others had forgotten. Looking to the dancer he noticed the look of recognition as she regarded the moonelf and began wondering what new twist to the situation had presented itself.
The man with the dancers sword pressed to his back spun about drawing a short sword and parrying her blade away. He then moved in close, stabbing viscously at her. Suddenly the warrior seated at the table exploded into action. He stood up abruptly, thrusting the heavy table forward into Lucas and his two companions on the other side, sending them all sprawling to the ground in surprise and shock. At the same time with his right leg, he kicked the chair that he was sitting on backwards into the black leather clad man who was moving up behind him with a dagger. The chair crashed into the mans legs and toppled him over to the ground to.
A crossbow twanged and a bolt flew across the room, impacting on the warrior's upper left shoulder with a resounding & painful thwack. At the same time, the other two black leather clad figures drew their weapons and lunged at the warrior, their short shorts striking sparks on his platemail. Lucas and the gnome quickly got to their feet and began to cast spells while the half-elf drew out his blades and advanced towards the engaged warrior. The Moon Elf stood up and glared at one of the figures attacking her companion, her eyes suddenly glowing red. The man looked at the female elf, colour draining from his face as his dropped his weapon and turned and fled the scene. Mara and Porki quickly ducked behind the stage for cover as the fight broke out, Porki sticking his head over the lip of the stage to keep a professional eye on the fight.
The suddenness of the attack was a bit of a surprise but the dancer struck back, parrying the attack made and steps backwards as the bladeweilder as she continued to fight the shadowy figure. With the table pushed into Lucas and the battle fully engaged, she started to sing a spell and a bright luminous moonglow starts to form about her. Seeing the moonglow around Vadelia, the thug decided that discretion was the key word for today and tumbled backwards away from the spell caster and into the crowd.
As the battle began, the dark robed figure swiftly stood, scanning the room, as one of the men fired a crossbow at the warrior, he drew a dagger from the folds of his robes and with unerring accuracy, let it fly at the man. At the moment he let go of the dagger, which flew true and sank deep into the chest of the crossbow man, as he was about to recock his weapon. Clutching at his chest, he sank to the ground dying. He spun and grabbed his sword from its sheath, and pulled up the folded cloak with the other hand. This he tossed at the gnome, who was attempting to cast a spell, hoping to catch him with it, like a net. The silver lining of his robes and the polished sheen of his blade flashed in the light of the tavern as he moved swiftly to intercept the dual wielding half-elf. The gnome deftly avoided the cape that was thrown at her but had to abort the spell she was casting.
"Another busybody, eh? Well that's the last time you'll threaten Grofsnuttle the Sneaky," she said angrily as she pointed her wand at the dark robed interloper. This time instead of flowers, a stream of acid sprayed out of the wand of wonder towards him, which he managed to dodge mostly although parts of his robe were smoking from being hit from the droplets of acid. However, one of the taverns patrons behind dark robes was not so lucky and screamed in absolute agony as he literally melted onto the floor. Lucas completed his spell and vanished from the tavern in a flash of light.
Spinning out of the way as the acid blew by him to melt the unfortunate bystander, he brought his guard up, slightly too late. The half-elf, swinging his blade in a deft arc, scored a hit across the hooded figure's chest. Expecting to tear into soft flesh, he stepped back in confusion as his blade met steel. The torn robe dropped a bit, exposing gleaming black-and-silver chainmail beneath the cloth.
"Good try." Szordrin said, loud enough for the elf to hear. He glanced down at the robes he had worn over his armour, which were full of smoking holes and torn by the slash across his chest and frowned.
To close, he thought to himself.
Reaching down, he grabs the cloak he had thrown, and enters another spin, this time, his blade flashing in a deadly arc towards the half-elf, while his throws the silver-black cloak over his shoulders.
At the same time, half-elf in a whirling display of swordsmanship, adroitly slashed at dark robes as he swung past the drow, his right blade slicing a shallow stinging wound across the drows chest. The warrior at the table then turned about and in a blur of motion delivered a thundering right hook to one of the thugs stabbing at him. The punch connected sharply with the unfortunate fellow with a sicking crunch, sending a patina of blood flying from his mouth. The warrior then jabbed his left fist into the midriff of the thug, sending the wind whistling from him as he collapsed to the floor wheezing through broken teeth. The Moon Elf's gaze transferred to the other thug threatening her companion. Raising her right hand, four bolts of magical energy flew from her and instantly struck the thug. The man flew backwards into the milling crowd who where now trying to flee the tavern and fell to the ground dead. Porki watched the battle from his vantage point while Mara made ready their gear in case things got nasty. Porki smiled evilly as he watched the large warrior deck the thug with a couple of blows.
Meanwhile outside the tavern the heavily pregnant drow woman Mauvieir, who was disguised as a drab human woman, shuffled her way towards the bar wearily. She was tired of the sight of these humans and dearly wishing to return to her city and to Lolth. Without her prayers being granted, she felt dried up, like a fish in the sun. And the real sun didn't help either. She had to see what mercenary groups or sell swords could be found at the Sea's Bounty. As she entered, she was witness to a bar brawl in full swing. Ducking a flying glass, Mauvieir made carefully her way over to the back, curious to see the result. She eyed the bard Mara and the dwarf who were sheltering behind the small stage and began sizing up various patrons engaged in hand to hand brawling, trying to see if they would be any use to her.
As Mara completed packing the last of their gear away she glanced up and about to see how the situation was. She looked about and saw a heavily pregnant but rather lean looking woman taking cover very nearby to the stage. She tapped Porki on the shoulder and cocked her head in the direct of the woman as he tore his gaze from the now fully erupted bar brawl. The fight, which had only had a few participants to start with, had now engulfed the entire taproom with most of the pubs patrons either battling with each other or now cramming the doorway trying to flee the violence.
Porki scowled as Mara raised an eyebrow at his reluctance to go and help the pregnant woman.
"Oh all right, I'll see to the lass," he growled. He clearly wanted to get into the fight and thump someone but instead he scurried across to the woman, ducking under a flying chair, which smashed into pieces on the wall next to him.
"I think ye best come with me lass," he yelled above the din as he grabbed the woman’s hand and dragged her over to where Mara was. Mauvieir had no time to react before she found herself being dragged by the ugly male surface dwarf to the other side of the room. She swiftly shook his grip off as he came to a stop, and turned to his female companion, managing to control herself enough not to whip out her snake-whip and gouge the impertinent dwarf's eyes out.
"I was in no need of rescuing," she stated to say, then narrowed her eyes as she evaluated the girl's potential. Ignoring the battle, she continued, "I'm here in search of assistance - assistance for gold. I'm afraid you might find some of the details of the deal distasteful, but so do I, and we both will get rewards enough to compensate." Her smile was as warm as she could make it.
Meanwhile, Askalan the half-elf noted Szordrins gleaming black mail under his still smoking and now very patchy dark robes. The half-elf grinned with a malicious glint in his eyes, "I'd recommend a tailor but you won't be alive to see him tomorrow, ragamuffin!" As Szordrin spun about and retrieved his cloak, Askalan pivoted on his left leg and kicked out with his right foot at Szordrin's left knee, causing him to stumble in pain while parrying Szordrins whirling attack and the dancer’s flying blade’s with his own flashing blades. Stumbling back, purposely a bit farther than he may normally have, he reached into his robe and, let fly a dagger remarkably similar to the one he had slain the cross-bow man with. The moment the blade left his hand, he willed a globe of Darkness over the half-elf and the gnome, intending to mask the blade's flight as it sped towards the half-elf. Not waiting a moment, he came out of the crouched position he had stumbled back into, springing into the Darkness, his blade leading the way and he headed straight to where he had seen the gnome last.
Grofsnuttle dodged the animated sword and quick cast Dispel Magic against it and the globe of darkness, dispelling both magic’s & sending the inert blade clattering to the floor. She then pulled out a small vial from her belt pouch and began to swallow the contents.
Looking about from over the choking figure while roughly putting his armoured right boot over it's neck, the large warrior tore off the tattered remains of his cloak, revealing gleaming black platemail, a longsword, handaxe, dagger and footman’s mace which dangled from his belt along with pouches and other paraphernalia. Wincing slightly, he tore out the bolt from his shoulder and then cast a healing spell upon himself.
The Moon Elf seemed to create a wide berth about herself and her companion, making a small radius of calm about her. The brawl was chaotic with everyone involved lashing out & fighting amongst themselves, yet those that went to strike out at her immediately thought better of it. She glanced over to her companion as he removed the crossbow bolt and seeing his was all right then turned to the gnome drinking the potion. She began incanting a spell and then flung a silence upon the gnome.
In the midst of the brawl, an up until then serene female patron was suddenly attacked by a lout. She decided to halt this fight at its source, before things became too rowdy for her liking. In a lightning fast manoeuvre, she struck upwards with the heel of her right palm smashing into the nose of the would be assailant, sending him stumbling backwards into the melee. Her tatty clothes were shed revealing a lithe, toned body that turned more than a few drunken heads. In two strides over the tables and some quickly muttered prayers, the woman came up behind Grofsnuttle and punched her with a True Strike enhanced fist in the back of the head, stunning the gnome for a moment. She proceeded to dance away and draw from her cloak a seemingly too-large sword that shone with magic.
"I think it is time that this battle winds down, gnome. Tell your companions or feel my wrath," she called out over the din of the brawl.
Mara & Porki looked at Mauvieir with interest. If this woman wanted to pay them gold all the better for them. Just as long as it wasn't too dangerous or involved tunnels or dirt, Mara didn't care.
"What be you wanting then madam?" asked Porki gruffly, his eyes glittering with greed behind their bushy brows at what he saw was the potential for easy money. Mara just sat back and waited for her reply and the colour of the cash before she'd commit to any venture.
Just as she was about to reply to Mara and Porki, Mauvieir heard these words from a terrifyingly familiar voice ring out over the cacophony and spun about incredulously. Mara then noticed Mauvieir suddenly blanch when that new individual joined into the brawl. They all ducked again as another piece of furniture went flying close by and took out a pair of struggling figures next to the stage.
Whilst the brawl was raging, Grofsnuttle was getting very worried, as the Magic Missiles that Vadelia cast at her where absorbed by her amulet of shielding. She'd only expected to face the warrior and his companion but now a number of busybodies had poked their unwelcome noses into slaver business. The she received a sharp series of painful blows to the back of her head from another interloper. That was the last straw. Taking a leaf from Lucas' actions, she pulled a small stone out from her robe and activated a recall portal, vanishing from the tavern in a flash of arcane energy and abandoning Askalan to his fate.
Askalan had been engulfed by the globe of darkness and stumbled about, slashing wildly at anyone coming too near. He cut down a couple of unfortunate brawlers before everyone else gave him a wide berth. He couldn't shake the darkness and then tripped over a fallen chair, sending him crashing and swearing foully to the floor.
The large warrior who had just finished healing himself saw the half-elf fall, took his boot of the neck of the thug on the ground and calmly strolled over to the globe of blackness where Askalan was struggling to his feet.
Concentrating for a moment and then drawing a lightly bluish glowing longsword which suddenly dropped the immediate temperature about him to an almost freezing chill, he pointed the sword downward and in a loud voice of authority yelled, stunning the remaining brawlers into their senses once again.
"ENOUGH! This tavern is closed! Cease this unassumingly fracas and go home, ALL OF YOU! Except you my lad," as he poked Askalan in the ribs with his sword. It appeared he could perceive the half-elf through the darkness with no real problem. His elven companion stood nearby and waited to see if the half-elf would surrender as well as looking at their new allies in this recent fight questioningly.
Satisfied that the fight was over, Belbeera slipped her sword back into the scabbard on her back and stepped down from the table, only to be faced with a gaping human woman, who’s face seemed to ring dark bells in the drow's mind.
Mauvieir at last found her voice, careful to conceal its normal tone. "Ah, very impressive battle skills. It would seem you are a priestess of sorts?"
Belbeera nodded, looked at the large pregnancy and smiled, about to congratulate her, when she got the overwhelming sense of disgust and chill emanating from the bump, her words catching in her throat.
Mauvieir decided to address the problem at another time, first turning back to Mara and Porki.
"You'll receive both an initial payment when we get to the place, and a reward sum for the completion of the tasks. Both are well in excess of a thousand gold pieces, the second being over ten times that amount. You will decide now whether or not this is good, and I'll hold you to your word." Her eyes glinted. "The details come after the decision."
At the same time that the four were talking at the stage Vadelia was not at all pleased with the darkness cast by Szordrin and cast light at it in order to dispel it. Recovering her sword, she looked about the wrecked taproom before deciding to sheath it.
She looked across at Szordrin.
“The darkness was not a good idea to use here. Innocents were placed in danger by your action,” she remonstrated. He gave a short nod in return.
"It was not my intent to put others in harms way, I had simply meant to blind him from that," He says, gesturing at a jewelled knife embedded deeply in the chair that Askalan had stumbled over, only a short distance from the half-elf himself. A moment later the knife was gone.
"I did not expect him to flail about like a fish out of water." Walking back over to the table he had been sitting at, he picked up the sheath for his weapon and slipped the blade back into it then belted it around his waist and the damaged robes.
After picking up his pack he pulled his hood farther over his face, he handed Vadelia a few vials of healing potions from his pack and turned to the large warrior and his companion. Vadelia bent down to aid those that were injured and to see if any are still alive. She prepared to tend to the worst cases first and for now ignored the rest of the people in the Tavern.
"Any idea as to what this was all about?" asked Szordrin in their general direction.
The large warrior holding Askalan at bay turned his head towards Szordrin for a moment before returning his concentration to the half-elf who was glaring at him evilly. The Moon Elf spoke instead to Vadelia, Szordrin and Belbeera.
"We thank you for your aid in this matter."
As she was about to continue, a massive explosion rocked the front of the Inn, blowing the windows in and sending shards of flying glass ricocheting about the taproom. Fire licked up from outside, seemingly unaffected by the heavy rain that still fell. Screams of pain could be heard from outside by the unlucky patrons who were still lingering at the front of the pub. The three figures that were negotiating behind the stage were forced to duck for cover from the splinters of glass, which flew overhead. Mara & Porki looked towards the exit and saw a sailor fall back through the now ruined doorway, blistered and charred screaming in agony from the fatal burns which covered his body. The fire appeared to be increasing its intensity, with the front wall starting to ignite and catch alight. Billowing black smoke began to fill the taproom.
Seeing no immediate escape and not wishing to die a fiery death, Mara and Porki pushed the little stage aside revealing a trapdoor in the floor. Porki grabbed the metal hoop and heaved at the stubborn trapdoor, his muscles bunching with the effort. The trapdoor popped open and Porki immediately jumped down the hole.
Turning to Mauvieir and the others still remaining in the blazing pub,
"Quick, this way! This is a smugglers tunnel to the sewers," she yelled. Not waiting to see if they'd heard or were following, Mara grabbed her bundle and lute case and jumped down the hole after Porki, who had just finished lighting a small bullseye lantern.
*more to follow* |
| 9 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 04 Nov 2004 : 07:33:16
quote:
Originally posted by Talwyn
I will have a day free on sunday and will be rediting the story and will be taking into account your comments WinterFox, although I do find the comment "more sparse and more succinct" a bit of an eyebrow raiser? I agree to a point that less can be more but if that is the case then great authors like Dickens, Conrad, Hemmingway and even King would not pass your test.
I don't find King all that wordy, but then, I've only read one novel by him. For your information, I find, say, Tolkien's prose extremely wordy, dull, and tedious to trudge through. It's pretty much what Bookwyrm said. I imagine that, if one were to write a manuscript in the style of Dickens or Conrad and send it to a publisher today, it'd land in the "rejected" bin faster than you can utter "Purple prose!"
Also, I find that nine times out of ten, understatements beat overstatements. |
| Bookwyrm |
Posted - 04 Nov 2004 : 05:01:10
Just a note to consider, Talwyn. They wrote for their times. Dickens' style was extraordiarily popular when he was writing, and he was a master of it. But if you try it today, it doesn't work. Hemmingway had some succinct pieces ("Hills Like White Elephants" anyone?) but he was a master of word choice that again wrote in his time.
The thing to consider is that the modern style is very particular. Perhaps just decades from now (though with technology freezing the evolution of language, it might be longer), students will look back and wonder how they (we) wrote that way. But this is what you have to work in; try to write like Dickens and no one will read it out of their own interest. |
| Talwyn |
Posted - 04 Nov 2004 : 04:39:57
I was wondering when you were going to show up Wninterfox 
Thank you for your critique, I appreciate it and also thak you for those links.
As I have said this is a work in progress and as such I'm having to rework it every chance I get (which is hard when you work etc).
Yes the story is disjointed as it's a composist of posts made by other players which I've jury-rigged and re-typed quickly to get it to this stage.
Like any work it will needs at least a couple of drafts before it's complete and I definately will be going through it with a fine toothcomb to iron out the kinks and edit out the errors.
I can understand that people reading it will look at it and see that it's disjointed etc but please bear with me here, it will be better. I will have a day free on sunday and will be rediting the story and will be taking into account your comments WinterFox, although I do find the comment "more sparse and more succinct" a bit of an eyebrow raiser? I agree to a point that less can be more but if that is the case then great authors like Dickens, Conrad, Hemmingway and even King would not pass your test.
Once again thank you and although it's a bit messy, I hoped you enjoyed the basic storyline.
Be well
|
| Bookwyrm |
Posted - 04 Nov 2004 : 04:36:13
[::applause::]
Very good, Winterfox. I covered some of the same points privately with Talwyn, but you also added some that I didn't have time for. (And for once, I don't feel like you stuck your tongue into a pencil sharpener before starting.  )
Something you should remember (just in case it escaped your attention) is that this is a campaign log, and not all of it was written by Talwyn. He did try to correct several of these mistakes before posting (and even more afterwards, I'd noticed) but I strongly suspect that many of the things you and I highlighted for him were not things he'd ever typed out. That's why I phrased my post the way I did.
Interesting links, by the way. I'll have to go back and look at them more closely when I have more time. |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 04 Nov 2004 : 04:18:55
Okay, lots of technical bumps that need some smoothing and refining. Random capitalization (common nouns don't begin with upper case letters, thanks), sentence structure problems, and extreme wordiness. Paragraph breaks, commas and periods are your friends, not your nemesis. And, to quote the excellent Elements of Style, "Omit needless words." Setting the scene and giving the reader a clear image of your characters are noble motives both, but that doesn't mean you have to cram in as many descriptions as you can into the prose with such ham-fisted propensity. The info-dumps also feel unnatural; descriptions of people's appearance should be spread out more, not dropped down on the reader's head all at once like a massive rockfall.
quote:
Mara's bouncer stood quietly by the stage with his arms casually folded, the mean looking dwarf named Porki Thule made sure no-one heckled her or got to fresh with his client and would ensure no-one tried to pinch the coins that were thrown into the hat at the foot of the stage.
Run-on: just say no.
quote:
The larger one pulled back the cowl of his cloak, revealing a handsome human face with green eyes and sandy blonde hair who was definitely wearing heavy armour underneath his cloak.
Thanks to the absence of several commas, according to this sentence, apparently the sandy blonde hair is wearing heavy armor. Gosh, that must be some... hair. Even if you do add a few commas where they are needed, the sentence still states that the face is wearing heavy armor (!). I'm not sure I can rearrange this into comprehensibility, but a suggestion: "The larger one pulled back his cowl, revealing a handsome face with green eyes and sandy blonde hair. Although he was wearing a cloak, it was obvious from the bulk that he had heavy armor underneath."
quote:
The warrior waved at one of the serving wenches so as to place an order for drinks.
More example of unnecessary padding. "The warrior waved at one of the serving wenches to order drinks" would suffice. You'll be surprised at how much more concise you can get if you just trim down little things like this.
The stream of people entering a tavern is extremely... cliched, and it's obviously ripped out straight from the generic beginning of a campaign.
quote:
The silver hair woman observed the newest arrivals to the pub and thought to herself that the bard was very good and considered ask the Goddess for a blessing for them.
The silver-haired woman observed the newest arrivals to the pub and thought to herself that the bard was very good and considered asking the Goddess for a blessing for them.
This is another problem, by the way. Your writing tends to be extremely disjointed as well as unclear, and the viewpoint-hopping -- I rarely see omniscient third-person done gracefully, and your prose is a particularly clumsy specimen -- doesn't help. How, exactly, does the thought that the bard's very good relate to blessing "them"? (Who is "them"? The "newest arrivals"?)
quote:
She then noted that the new arrivals went to sit with the couple & wondered at why many in the place looked at them.
Uh, no. Type out "and", please.
Several sentences down, you shift from past to present tense with alarming rapidity. Pick one, and stick with it. I'm also spotting some typos that could turn several sentences into unintentional comedy. Like viscous/vicious. The fight scene is very confusing, and it's extremely difficult to keep track of who's who and who's doing what. Like I said, consider being more sparse and more succinct.
I strongly suggest that you read (and heed, I implore you) this rant on info-dumps and this rant on good descriptive prose. They're both written by a fabulous author who definitely knows what she's talking about. |
| Talwyn |
Posted - 03 Nov 2004 : 15:30:12
the story continues...
"Underground? Suits me!" Mauvieir whispered, following her not-yet-established-as-recruits as tentatively as she could act. Belbeera, though, heard Mauvieir's voice and a slight frown changed her beautiful, seemingly surface-elven, face. She couldn't put her finger on what it was about the voice. She smiled warmly and descended after Mauvieir, drawing her sword again. She calls up to Szordrin to follow now, then turns to Mara, in front of her in the cramped passage.
"Can someone tell me what this fighting is all about, and why I'm now down here?" she asked. Mara looked at her with a reserved for idiots or children but held her tongue and shrugged
As fire continued to engulf the tavern, Vadelia wondered if that was a magical attack but she hadn’t enough time to look into the matter. She looked about for an immediate exit and then saw Mara invite everyone still in the taproom to join her down the hole. She then glanced at Askalan and said to him, "Yes, I’ll join you but he will stay." She drew her sword again, stepped over to where he was pinned and thrust her sword into him with the clear intent to kill him. As Vadelia thrust her blade at Askalan, the half-elf managed to twist aside so that the wound was not mortal.
"What in the name of the nine hells are you playing at woman?" demanded the large warrior of Vadelia angrily.
He didn't get to hear her response as she had jumped down into the tunnel via the trapdoor. Roughly grabbing the now bleeding Askalan by the throat with his armoured hand he hissed, "Try any moves to escape and you will wish that the blood thirsty wench's thrust was true," and with that he propelled the staggering sell-sword towards the hole. He stood back to let the others in.
The smoke billowed in the taproom, Szordrin raised a sleeve to protect his face from the sharp shards of glass sent flying by the now exploding bottles behind the bar. He saw the dwarf, bard and pregnant woman plus Vadelia and the other elf slip into the trapdoor, he moved swiftly over to it but waited for the others to go through before jumping in himself. The large warrior indicated that the bladesman should go next, so with a nod Szordrin jumped down into the hole.
The Inn was fully ablaze and sparks & embers flew all around. Suddenly one of the supporting roof beams crashed to the floor and crushed the last thug who was rising unsteadily to his feet under the burning timber, sending a sheet of flame roaring upwards. The large warrior holding the glowing blue longsword appeared not to notice the intense heat but his companion was quick to make use of the escape route as she clambered down the trapdoorway. The tumbling form of Askalan closely followed her as the large warrior pushed him without ceremony down into the hole. She barely managed to dodge Askalan's falling body as he hit the floor of the tunnel with a thud and screamed in pain from his wound to his side. The large warrior then jumped into the hole and landed with ease at the bottom of the tunnel.
Meanwhile Porki was moving off down the tunnel and scanned the passageway in front of him for any signs of danger. Mara wrinkled her nose in disgust at the stench coming up from the sewers. She hated being underground but hated being dead even more.
Porki waved back at her,
"The way ahead be clear Mara, come on and let us depart this place," he said.
"Righty ho, after you oh generous benefactor," she said indicating that the pregnant Mauvieir should follow Porki. She turned about to see Szordrin, Belbeera, the Moon elf, the tumbling & then groaning figure of Askalan and finally the large armoured warrior enter the tunnel behind them. The warrior grabbed the whining Askalan again by the scruff of the neck and looked down the tunnel at everyone moving forward.
"Follow us if you want to escape this place for the sewers of Athkatla are a dangerous place to the uninitiated and one can easily get lost down here," said Mara as she moved off after Porki. He had put his helm on and unseated his Battle-Axe from his back in order to be ready for combat. The tight beam of the lantern shone down the slimy passageway.
Vadelia sighed at the interference from the large armoured warrior as she found that the half-elf was reckless with his blade and had killed the last two innocent patrons that his blade struck. She was now content to follow the light provided by the dwarf with blade back in hand followed his lead. There were other ways to get out of the building, but that would take her from her target. Weapon ready to attack any in the party if any appear to be a danger.
“Perhaps warrior, you are too merciful, she snarled, “but I can wait a time for now but those murders will be paid for!
The platemail clad warrior pushed his bedraggled prisoner in front of him with his sword. The sword gave off a soft blue light that illuminated the tunnels in an eerie light. He'd heard the terse comment made by Vadelia and when she had moved near he said to her,
"Yes, this one will face justice. But not until I interrogate him. I find your attitude to criminal investigation somewhat flawed: if you kill every villain as you come across them, how are you ever going to learn about them, what their purpose was or how many more there are? Knowledge is the best weapon we can use against evil," he said as they proceeded down the sewer tunnel.
“Often it is better to ask questions after they are dead, less chance of lying. As for being judged, the bodies above already convict him. Give him to me and I will get the answers you seek. The law I follow is as clear as yours is to you. For now I will abide by your law, but if he escapes you I will use my law,” replied Vadelia in a soft low voice.
The warrior blinked for a moment at Vadelia's very blunt response. Clearing his throat he responded,
"Well, I don't go into necromancy per se, so it's difficult for me to talk with a dead person. As to this miscreant escaping justice," he said not so gently jabbing the miserable half-elf with Frostbrand, "I think not that he'd get very far." With that, the conversation ended on a rather terse note.
Szordrin payed careful attention to the words exchanged by the pair, grinning to himself amusedly at their words and reactions to each other. While wandering through a sewer and following a group of people he didn't know wasn't his typical idea of a relaxing night after travels he had to admit, he thought to himself, that it was indeed much more interesting. The smell wasn't a problem, as he had wrapped his silvery cloak about his face around when they had first entered the sewers, and he was using the cloak's magic to allow him to walk on top of the fetid water as easily as were solid ground. After the warrior's reply to Vadelia, he decided he'd have better opportunity to catch anything behind them, if he were outside of the small circle of light. Slowly & slightly, he allowed them to move ahead further, until he is a short distance from the light. His keen eyes picking detail up much better in the darkness than in the dim light provided by the group - and, of course, the element of surprise would be his, should it come to battle.
The group, led by Porki Thule and the tight beam of light from his mining lantern, sloshed their way down the sewer tunnels. Often they'd have to cover their mouth & nose due to the appalling stench that lingered here. The dwarf seemed to be enjoying himself immensely down in the sewers and the smell didn't appear to bother him overly at all. Mara however, was very unhappy at the turn of events. She had a good gig going at the Sea’s Bounty and now the pub was a burning heap of ashes. Also, she was now in one of her least favourite places, underground and worse still, the sewer! She grimaced to herself in the dark as she trod on something squishy that had a most noxious reek about it. The sooner she was out of here, the better. Shouldering his pack Szordrin moved silently behind the others, keeping back somewhat to watch for any threats from the rear. His eyes quickly adjusting to dim light of the lantern, although he still curious as to what had been the cause of their current situation. He kept back, silent, hoping that they would stay free of any unwanted surprises for the length of their journey through the sewers.
Some distance ahead of the party a figure lurked in the shadows. Sylinde was not in her best moods when she had gotten her new assignment. She knew about troubles and the importance of investigation still the smell of sewage was so disgusting. Chance to prove yourself again, she recalled the words of a guildmaster, Yeah, sure.
She walked cautiously examining the tunnels of sewers. How could there be driders? She thought, What are they doing here? The opportunity of meeting one of them made her shudder for a second. Suddenly she heard sounds of a group of creatures moving hastily through the distant tunnel. Using the cover of shadows and trying to make no sound Sylinde started walking closer. When the sounds became louder she heard some words of the conversation. They speak Common. That is good news. Still... She drew her short sword and touched the bottle of potion of invisibility in her belt. She hid in the tunnels that crossed the way of the strangers so hopefully she'd be able to see the passer-by without being noticed.
Belbeera looked uncomfortable in the sewers. It had been a long while since she had been underground, she hadn't realised how accustomed to open air she had become.
"Where are you leading us?" she called out to Mara. She turned to the moon elf behind her. "And why do you keep looking at me?" She looked to where the eyes were turned and a gasp fluttered from her mouth. Her alter self was failing, patches of dark skin phasing onto her body. Her first thought was that no one would see in the dark, but the elf obviously had keen eyes. Mauvier turned to look at her sister in the darkness. She seemed upset about something. Mauvier wasn't about to let something happen to her, not yet anyway.
The Moon Elf Looked at Belbeera coolly as she could see that her spell was fading. But more so, the Moon Elf was able to see through the magic once she began to concentrate. Her grey eyes narrowed but she said nothing and turned away from the uncomfortable drow woman. Belbeera got the impression that she had been judged by the Elf but had passed for the moment. Mara looked back at Belbeera and said,
"The tunnels should lead us to the government quarter. We should be safe there when we emerge from this cesspit," she called out to the woman. Mara too began to look at Belbeera quizzically as her Alter Self spell was beginning to fizzle away.
Just as she was about to say something, a terrible roar came from down the tunnel ahead of them, freezing the party in its tracks. Mara shivered, as she knew that many monstrous things often stalked these foul passageways.
"What is it Porki?" she called out.
Porki extinguished the Lantern and put it in his backpack, sending the area around him into darkness. The only light now came from the warriors glowing blue sword, which was pointing into the back of his prisoner. Porki's eyes adjusted to the gloom and he readied his axe and drew out a throwing axe in his left hand as he made his way cautiously down the tunnel. The roar came again, this time even closer!
Suddenly Porki swore foully, then threw his handaxe in a blur of motion at something ahead of him before yelling a dwarven battle cry as he charged ahead.
The rest of the party could barely make out what the dwarf was fighting; it was a huge, evil smelling mass with three stumpy legs, three glistening black tentacles and a huge gapping toothy maw. Porki's handaxe had buried itself in the creature’s body and the dwarf was hewing at the thing madly with his battleaxe.
Startled at the roar and the sudden darkness, Szordrin had to blink a few times, letting his eyes adjust to the pure blackness that surrounded them. As soon as his eyes adjusted, he ran swiftly over the water as small motes of light suddenly appeared about the creature.
Having been some distance away, by the time he reached close enough to the creature the dwarf was already hacking madly at the beast. Barely dodging a tentacle that would have knocked him into the fetid water of the sewers, he brought his blade around quickly, in a slashing arc and attempted to remove the offending tentacle from the creature. Belbeera could do nothing, now. Her disguise slipped away and she was revealed as a tall silver haired drow. But she would worry about the prejudice that would surely follow when the danger was ended. Like a blur she threw herself past the others, using Mara's shoulder as a vault to land a stinging slash to the creature with the powerful blade. Mauvieir watched this with growing concern, but played the part of the vulnerable mother, cowering. Her powers would come into play only when all else failed. She had seen worse than the horror before her.
Sylinde heard the roar and saw how enraged dwarf attacked the huge beast. It is a dwarf, so they are not the ones I am looking for. But maybe they have information I need, she thought, Shall I help them? Damn it! I knew it was not going to be simple. Then she noticed one more figure that joined the fight. She took away her crossbow from her bag and loaded it rapidly. Then she started aiming the monster and decided to shoot only when she'd be absolutely sure that she's not going to miss the target.
The creature slapped out at Porki with one of its three tentacles, the hideously barbed end of the tentacle catching on the dwarf's leather jerkin and hooking into him. Porki just gritted his teeth against the pain and swung his axe in a glittering arc of death, the double-blades of the axe sunk deep into the thing’s body. It roared in pain and slapped the other two tentacles at the dwarf. Szordrin's attack neatly sliced one of the tentacles of about half-way along it's length, sending a foul smelling blood spurting over him in the process and the severed tentacle fell to the floor twitching. Just at that moment Belbeera flew in and slashed at the creature’s body, her blade dragging across its foul hide and leaving a nasty wound behind. The creature still concentrated its attack upon the dwarf though. Mara began to sing a stirring battle anthem so as to raise her companions spirits and her own.
The Moon Elf grabbed Askalan by the throat and glared deep into his eyes as her companion shouldered his way past the huddling pregnant woman on the floor of the sewer. His sword shone brightly and he himself seemed to exude an aura of power as he closed in towards the melee. Askalan looked back into the Moon Elf's eyes and suddenly saw something that made him loose control of his bladder and bowels. Mauvieir noticed how the half-elf was suddenly completely terrified of the female that was holding him by the throat with no effort what so ever and how the half-elf had soiled himself and was becoming a blubbering mess, begging for his life.
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| Talwyn |
Posted - 02 Nov 2004 : 12:18:28
Hail to you all once more,
as you may have observed, I've edited the story for errors (I'm sure that some eagle eye will spot more) for now.
More to follow... |
| Talwyn |
Posted - 01 Nov 2004 : 12:13:50
Hail & Well Met again,
thanks Bookwyrm for the critique. Yes, I can understand how it doesn't translate as well but as I said earlier, this is a first draft going up here, warts and all. I thoroughly intend to refine and edit it a lot and will repost it once it's going through the wringer. But for now, it's just being "put together" (stand back with crazed look as the lightning flashes across his creation  )
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| Bookwyrm |
Posted - 01 Nov 2004 : 10:10:21
As a campaign adaptation, it's pretty decent. As a story, though, it has a few problems. I'm not talking about minor language problems, either -- this is for fun, and you'll notice that I don't exactly show perfect command of the written language myself, even when I write fiction. What I mean is that there are some technical problems that are all right in a campaign but don't translate well to a fixed story.
If you'd like -- and IF I have the time, I'll point out to you some of those problems privately. |
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