| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Mumadar Ibn Huzal |
Posted - 12 Dec 2002 : 10:19:10
Inspired by the thief story, below an excerpt from the Twilight Dawn story soon to be available on the Candlekeep site.
Rising Early
Berdusk 1372 DR, Eleint, 9th day early in the morning
Telsom wakes early in the morning. Only a glimmer of the dawn is visible in the sky, which more closely resembles a night sky. The light of Selûne and the stars is still predominant. After refreshing and dressing himself, Telsom makes his way downstairs. Some of the staff is up as well, and preparing for the day. A quick breakfast is prepared, and on his request, Telsom’s horse is being readied. “Good morning Saer.” Ruldan, the Jalarghar butler, walks into the room and greets Telsom. “Is there any message you’d want to leave for the young Lady Jalarghar?”
“Actually yes my friend.” Telsom replies. “Would it be possible for a piece of parchment, a quill and some ink to be brought to me? I would hate to leave without at least saying goodbye in writing to the young woman.”
“Certainly Saer.” Ruldan leaves to bring Telsom the requested materials, while the young paladin finishes his breakfast.
After writing his letter, Telsom is shown to the garden and the stables. “Ruldan I thank you for your help this morning. You do this house a great service.” Telsom quickly checks Teri, the splendid white mare, over and then departs, going at a quick pace to the location where Ditalidas was attacked the day before.
The cold morning air forms little clouds of the exhaled breaths of man and beast. Trotting through the still dark streets of a city that is waking up to a new day, Telsom is greeted by a few people. At the gates a guard salutes him. “Fair Morning and Safe Journey Saer.”
The trail toward the forest is empty. Looking across the fields and meadows, Telsom can see some wildlife scurrying or flying about; a few rabbits or hares, an owl, and a deer or two. Telsom breathes deeply enjoying the crisp morning air, running a hand through his hair he then goes on to rub Teri’s ears one at a time. Enjoying the beauty all around while Teri trots ahead, Telsom takes up one of the roses from Ditalidas’ garden and breathes in its fragrance, as he does so the image of the lady entering the dining room in her gown comes running back into his mind. Sighing contentedly Telsom wraps the flower in a piece of cloth and places it in a saddlebag. “The light of dawn is clearing a path for us my beautiful steed. Shall we pick up the pace?” As the day progresses and visibility improves Telsom urges Teri forward at a quickening pace.
As the first rays of the sun crest the hills on the horizon, Telsom arrives at the spot where the ambush took place the day before. Remains of the zombies are scattered about. More scattered and damaged as Telsom can remember. Letting out a deep sigh Telsom dismounts leaving Teri loose. “Stay here girl, if they come back we might have to make off quickly.” Drawing on the power of Sune, Telsom raises a hand to each temple and concentrates, trying to sense any evil that may be lurking nearby. Turning in a small circle he examines the area all around. Turning a full circle, Telsom feels a throbbing behind his forehead when facing toward the river. Focusing on that area the throbbing remains faint, but constant. Removing his hands from his temples Telsom’s eyes narrow, “We shall speak in a moment.” He mutters. “Be wary my friend, trouble is nearby.” He whispers to Teri.
Keeping an eye on the direction from which he sensed the evil presence Telsom backs his way to the carnage and begins looking for the remains of Lady Jalarghar. His hand on the hilt of his rapier Telsom divides his attention between the carnage and the evil entity, finding the added threat manages to diminish the gruesomeness of his task slightly he still hurries wanting the horrid task to be done with as quickly as possible.
As Telsom tries to sort through the gruesome remains of the undead, he notices that the remains seem to have been gnawed upon; on some whole limbs are missing. Yet he can see no sign that might hint at a connection with House Jalarghar. A panicky reaction from Teri draws Telsom’s attention away. His eyes swivel to the river before checking on Teri, and in that brief glance he sees some movement in the bushes.
“Easy Girl!” Telsom says as he jogs to the steed’s side. Once there unless a creatures bursts forth from the foliage he reaches out with his divine powers to sense whether there are one or more creatures of evil about. The faint throbbing is back as Telsom concentrates in the direction where he spotted the movement. A wild and wicked aura seems to penetrate the foliage, growing in size as the menace comes closer. Telsom can hear twigs break and branches snap. A few trees seem to sway as if something pushes them aside. A low growling noise can be heard. The noise clearly upsets Teri.
Ripping the rapier free from its scabbard Telsom moves back pushing Teri in the opposite direction. “Go girl. Stay out of the fight.” Telsom angles his body sideways in a defensive stance and readies himself to face the rushing creature. As Teri runs away to higher ground, a horrid sight is emerging from the bush. A large, lanky green hulking beast shambles towards Telsom. It walks on two feet, yet in an awkward looking hunched position. Even hunched it seems to tower over Telsom. Its long, gangly arms are dangling almost to the ground. In its left claw it carries something that seems to resemble a human leg. It raises its ugly head, and its long pointy nose seems to sniff the air. Guttering something unintelligible, it shambles on toward Telsom. The ugly creature is an affront to all beauty in the world.
“I hope you’ve prayed to whatever foul deity that holds sway over your soul fiend. You’ll be moving to his or her side this day.” Telsom moves into combat striking out with his rapier while praying to Sune to guide him. “Mistress, guide my blade so that together we might remove this blemish from the faith of the world.” Almost as an afterthought Telsom covers his head with his steel helm. “Some nasty claws you’ve got there, beastie.”
Telsom strikes the first blow, and the rapier sinks all the way into the monster’s right forearm, the tip protruding near the elbow on the other side. The creature roars and pulls its arm back, ripping it of Telsom’s blade. Greenish-black ichors ooze from the wound that seems to close almost immediately. Simultaneously the monster brings the makeshift club to bear on Telsom with its left arm. The club comes down, barely missing Telsom, and hits the ground with a sickening smack.
“I’m sure the owner of that leg wouldn’t appreciate its use in such a manner.” Moving around the creature in a tight circle the paladin strikes again, trying to cause a wound, which might not heal as quickly, yet the monster, belying its size and hunched form, moves with surprising agility. Telsom is barely the quickest, scoring a minor hit on the beast’s torso as the monster’s claw rips through the studded leather. Four furrows are opened in Telsom’s back and left side, making the paladin flinch in pain. Yet by moving on in the circular path, the monster is unable to attack with its second arm. The monster roars in annoyance.
Screaming in pain, Telsom continues his tactic, moving and slashing at the creature. “Mistress, give me the strength to continue, this being must be destroyed for it goes against all that you hold dear.” Again Telsom is the quicker of the two combatants, yet the injury seems to affect him more then anticipated; Telsom’s attack goes wide. Trying to lunge after the quick paladin, the big brute swings its arms around, windmilling in the hope to slam its wounded prey to the ground. Yet for all its efforts, Telsom remains out of reach. Seeing not other tactic Telsom continues to use the run, slash attack until either he succumbs to the beast or it falls before his religious fervor.
Despite his injury, Telsom manages to launch an attack at the monster before it can react. Yet again the attack fails to score a hit on the beast. The beast’s claw flashes less then an inch before Telsom’s face. Making the paladin take a step back involuntarily, into the reach of the monster’s other arm. A glancing blow brings the paladin out of balance. Trying to regain his footing and balance and slowed down by the awful wound, Telsom has lost the speed and momentum of his attacks. The big brute is the fastest now; slashing out with a claw it rips the rapier out of Telsom’s hands. The club-wielding arm comes in low, and hits Telsom squarely on the chin. His helm lost in that last blow, Telsom stumbles backward, his arms flailing, trying to keep balance; to no avail. Sagging through his knees, black spots swimming before his eyes, Telsom drops to the ground on the verge of loosing consciousness.
Telsom can feel the ground vibrating slightly as the hulking brute comes closer. Fully expecting the killing blow, Telsom is allowed a quick feeling of surprise as the creature lifts him up and drops him over its shoulder. The impact on the smelly creature’s back sends Telsom over the edge of unconsciousness: The light, of what would have been a beautiful dawn, gives way to blackness…
Sometime later, though Telsom has no idea how much later, he opens his eyes briefly. The daylight is stinging his eyes, and a pounding headache sends him just as quick into unconsciousness again. But not before Telsom realizes he’s dangling upside down, suspended by a rope or such, tied around his ankles… Then… Blackness…
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| 13 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Exilion |
Posted - 26 Dec 2002 : 15:52:07
I really like that story. It really shows that you are a very good story writer. I have put three stories on the forums of late, about the tales of Exilion. Live at peace. |
| Drummer Boy |
Posted - 16 Dec 2002 : 14:22:51
Ok, you're welcome for the feedback, but next time I'll just send you an e-mail. |
| Mumadar Ibn Huzal |
Posted - 16 Dec 2002 : 07:48:42
Drummerboy, thanks for the feedback, the fact that most of it centers on grammar and spelling gives me a good feeling about the story.  .
The published part is one of the earlier sections of the TwilightDawn campaign, and I have already gone back into those early sections to correct some inconsistencies like the ones you mentioned.
If I compare the start of the campaign with the current flow of posts, there is a big difference. Both players and DM have 'matured' in the way of posting and individual posts start to read more and more like paragraphs from a story; makes for less editing afterwards. 
I'm looking forward to more feedback from those who will take the time reading the story after its publication on Candlekeep. I don't mind if you post on the forum, but sending a mail to me might work a little faster and prevents potential cluttering of this library. |
| Drummer Boy |
Posted - 15 Dec 2002 : 02:59:34
Great story, Mumadar! You have excellent descriptions in it. Not to be annoying, but I found several errors in your story:
1)In the 12th paragraph you wrote: "Telsom is barely the quickest, scoring a minor hit" However, it should be, "Telsom is barely the quicker, scoring a minor hit"
2)In the 14th paragraph you wrote: "The beast’s claw flashes less then an inch before Telsom’s face. Making the paladin take a step back involuntarily, into the reach of the monster’s other arm." This should all be one sentence, with a comma instead of the first period.
3)In the 14th paragraph you wrote: "The big brute is the fastest now;" It should be, "The big brute is the faster now;"
4)In the 14th paragraph you wrote: "on the verge of loosing consciousness." It should have been "on the verge of losing consciousness."
5)In the last paragraph you wrote: "just as quick into unconsciousness again." It shoulc have been "just as quickly into unconsciousness again.
6)You switched from past tense to present tense several times in the story although it should stay in one tense.
7)In this first paragraph you wrote: "Some of the staff is up" It should be "some of the staff are up"
Ok, sorry if you took offense from these corrections, but, I assure you that is not my intent. I just thought it might help you so you could fix them and make your story better. Overall, great story though! |
| Artalis |
Posted - 14 Dec 2002 : 23:16:51
::sheepish grin::
Thank you Frey |
| Frey |
Posted - 14 Dec 2002 : 20:47:20
A tiny hint from one newbie to another. For Artalis the elder in this case.
Above each message there are icons. One of which presents a note with an arrow on it. When your mouse-cursor lingers over it there will popup a tiny text saying 'Reply with a quote' ... I think you might want to use that button. |
| Artalis |
Posted - 12 Dec 2002 : 22:34:14
zemd Posted - 12 Dec 2002 : 21:42:04
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I made a little mistake
"if the had not been an evil guy" is in fact "if the sheriff had not been an evil guy"
and "you it to be" is "you mean it to be"
I hope you can understand me sometimes i've got really intersting things to write (yes really ) but i just can't find my words in english so i just ... try
______________________________________________________________________
It is always a pleasure to spend the extra time on your words, Zemd write on! |
| zemd |
Posted - 12 Dec 2002 : 21:42:04
I made a little mistake
"if the had not been an evil guy" is in fact "if the sheriff had not been an evil guy"
and "you it to be" is "you mean it to be"
I hope you can understand me  sometimes i've got really intersting things to write (yes really ) but i just can't find my words in english so i just ... try |
| Ditalidas |
Posted - 12 Dec 2002 : 15:22:42
Robin Hood evil? I thought more in the direction of Chaotic Good...
Oh sorry that's not really on topic is it? |
| zemd |
Posted - 12 Dec 2002 : 15:18:04
I don't think that paladin are so opposite with the thief
Take Robin Wood for example, if the had not been an evil guy, Robin could have been a paladin (and there would be no story, ok! but still every class is as you it to be) |
| Ditalidas |
Posted - 12 Dec 2002 : 14:33:25
hmmmm interesting... |
| Mumadar Ibn Huzal |
Posted - 12 Dec 2002 : 11:25:15
I can imagine, the thief being the almost diametric opposite of the paladin And in this case a very special paladin, one of the very few Sunite paladins in the Realms.
Currently this same paladin is in new dire straits... the sewers of Berdusk are not particularly rosy... And kobolds can spring nasty traps. |
| Tyreal Nyquis |
Posted - 12 Dec 2002 : 11:06:42
It seems I have begun a chain of stories by myself and others here on the boards.
I like it, even though I generally don't have a liking for paladins and their kind. |
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