| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Telathra |
Posted - 27 May 2004 : 11:37:15
This might be a bit long, and I'm open to suggestions.
“Ye have to push lassie,” said the old midwife.
“I am pushing you old hag,” shouted the pregnant woman. Her name was Rebecca Mays, and she was having her first child. She lived in the small village of Rainy Hills, which was officially part of the Waterdeep city-state. Her husband couldn’t be with her; he had to work the fields, for it was very close to harvest season. Rainy Hills, despite its name, was neither very hilly, nor very rainy. In fact, they were in the middle of a drought. Her husband, David Mays, was a poor farmer, much like the rest of the people of the village.
“I can see the head now lassie,” whispered the old midwife, not wanting to provoke another outburst. A few minutes later, after wiping the new-born-babe with a towel, the midwife presented the babe to Rebecca.
“Here he is,” said the midwife. The midwife talked in soothing tones, despite the cold feeling in the pit of her stomach. She couldn’t explain why she felt that way, she only knew the babe was different from the rest of the villagers. While his parents had icy-blue eyes, and blonde hair, the baby boy had black pits for eyes, and the darkest raven hair. When the babe was presented to the mother, she recoiled for a half-second, before regaining her composure.
“That’s natural, it is,” lied the midwife, not wanting to alarm the mother. It didn’t work. Rebecca held the boy, but the cold feeling in her stomach made her want to throw the babe away from her.
Word spread quickly that something was wrong with Rebecca’s baby, and soon the village elder, another old woman, paid a visit to the May’s hut.
“Yes, who is it?” came the voice of David from inside the hut.
“The village elder,” replied the old crone.
“Coming,” shouted David. “What can I do for you,” he asked after opening the door and inviting the crone in.
“I must see the boy,” came the old woman’s curt reply.
“Of course,” whispered David. The boy gave him the same feelings of unease, but it had taken them so long to have just this one baby, he didn’t want to lose it. “Rebecca, the village elder is here, and she wants to see the boy. Bring him here please.”
“Coming.”
Rebecca entered the room breast-feeding the young boy. “What do you need ma’am?”
“Let me see the babe,” said the elder.
“Yes ma’am,” said Rebecca, while carefully handing the baby to the elder.
“You know, the villagers want me to say that the babe should die, but now that I have seen it, I find no reason that it should have to die.” Inwardly, both parents breathed a sigh of relief.
“However,” said the elder,” I wish to be the one to name it.”
“Okay,” said David.
“I think he will be called…. Telathra,” the elder finally said.
“Surely it is a fine name,” said Rebecca.
“Yes, a fine name,” said David.
“Can I play with you guys?” asked the five-year old Telathra.
“No, you freak!” shouted the lead child. “We only play with normal kids.”
Though they hadn’t killed him, the villagers had passed on their stigma towards young Telathra to their own children.
“Please?”
“I said no,” said the child. Just as Telathra turned to leave, the lead child turned around and punched Telathra in the gut. Telathra crumpled onto the dirt path crying.
That night, after dinner, Telathra walked up to his mother and said,” Mommy, can I ask you question?”
“Of course you can sweetie,” answered Rebecca. Though at first their son had disturbed them, they soon grew to love him, weirdness and all.
“Mommy, why do the other people hate me?” whispered Telathra as tears streamed down his face.
“Oh honey, come here,” said Rebecca.
Today was the day the villagers took their harvest to Waterdeep so that they could sell it at market. Telathra was now eleven years old, and was still scorned by the villagers. As he grew older, Telathra seemed to grow smarter and faster, but never stronger. He could beat any village child in a race, though the only proof of that was how often Telathra managed to out run the bullies. He might be faster, but in any contest of strength, Telathra would fail miserably.
This was the first time Telathra had been to the big city, and the sites amazed him. When his parents and the others set up shop, Telathra wandered off, and he ended up in front of a huge library. Telathra had taught himself to read by studying the elder’s books on something called ‘agriculture.’ As he entered the library, he was amazed at the size of it. By Telathra’s best estimates, you could fit the entire village in here about twenty times. He studied books until the sun began to set, and then he raced back to the marketplace. Every year when the villagers came to market, and when there was a festival in the city, Telathra would sneak off, and head to that massive library. One book in particular drew his attention. It was entitled “A Guide to the Races of Faerun.” It was a massive title, containing a massive amount of knowledge. As he neared the end at the age of 15, Telathra came upon a section entitled “planetouched.” One race in this section drew his attention completely, the tieflings. They were said to be smarter and faster than the average human, but they gave off an aura of uneasiness. They were also said to have horns. Telathra felt immediately relieved, for he had no horns.
When he returned home, there was a great commotion outside the midwife’s hut.
“My mother must have gone into labor,” muttered Telathra. His mother had been pregnant for some time, but he didn’t know she was due so soon. Since Telathra was tired from the trip back and forth from Waterdeep, he plopped down onto his bed, and fell asleep.
Telathra was awakened by the sound of his mother’s tears.
“Mother, what is the matter? Where is the new babe?” asked Telathra in a quiet voice. This only made her weep harder.
“Come here son, and leave her alone for now,” said his father from the front entrance to their squat house.
“Father, what has gone wrong?” asked Telathra, once they were outside the house.
“The babe was an evil creature. It had horns, and goat’s legs. The elder decided that this one must be killed.”
“This one?”
“Son, I’ve never told you, but when you were born, the villagers wanted to kill you.”
“Why? I know I make some of them feel uneasy, but I thought that was just because of my intelligence.”
“No, son. You make even me feel uneasy. It is uncontrollable.”
“Father…. I have to go,” said Telathra, already fleeing to Waterdeep, and the comforts of the library.
Four days had passed since the day of the babe’s birth, and Telathra was in his room, just awakening from a deep and troubled slumber. It was early, and no one else was yet awake in the village. Telathra went to the community well, and drew himself some water. As he looked down into the water, he let out a long, horrified scream. From his head were sprouting two small horns. As it was still too early for the sun to have arisen, the villagers came out of their homes carrying various weapons, farm implements, and torches, attempting to see what all the fuss was about. When they saw Telathra’s horns, it took them a minute to register what was going on. Then, the cries of “freak” and “demon” began. Telathra now realized that he was a tiefling.
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| 13 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Yoshimo |
Posted - 04 Jun 2004 : 22:28:19
'To err is to better ourselves.'- Quote |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 28 May 2004 : 05:02:06
quote:
Originally posted by SiriusBlack
For what it's worth, I had that hammered into me when I obtained my undergraduate degree. The fact that you can do that Telathra should be commended.
Sadly, I was never told that in school. I learned through experience. Say what you may about the circles of unpublished writers on the 'Net, but they teach you lots and lots of valuable lessons. From the circular ego-stroking that goes on among some fanpoodles, to the jaded cynicism of the veterans. Even the tripe mocked at the GAFF can teach you what not to do. Education at its zenith. |
| SiriusBlack |
Posted - 28 May 2004 : 04:22:26
quote:
Originally posted by Winterfox
Writers should be able to separate the two, anyway, as Telathra clearly can.
For what it's worth, I had that hammered into me when I obtained my undergraduate degree. The fact that you can do that Telathra should be commended. |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 28 May 2004 : 03:51:24
quote:
Originally posted by Sarelle
quote:
Originally posted by Bookwyrm
I don't mean I was going to coddle you, since you do need a lot of work -- it's just that I want to encourage you, not drive you away. (Winterfox, sorry, but you really need to work on that.)
Quite. I believe you made some good points, Winterfox, but couldn't they have been made without the cynicism and the smart-ass comments? That is the sort of this that can crush an inexperienced writer (though I don't doubt Telathra is made of stronger stuff).
Nope. IMO, the sooner you run into harsh criticism, the better. Besides, my approach is this: so long that one doesn't insult the author as a person, the story's fair game. I shred the writing, not the author. 'S that simple. Writers should be able to separate the two, anyway, as Telathra clearly can. As Sirius said, this is posted for public display, and therefore invites any and all kind of criticism. |
| Telathra |
Posted - 27 May 2004 : 19:55:58
I have the whole tail mapped out in my head, the only problems being the actual length of the tale, and the fact that the end can't be told until my campaign ends. Telathra is meant to be a tragic villain, one of those rare, kind-hearted tieflings (1 out of 1000). The fact that he is evil stems from the tragedy of his early life, and how, despite people having known him for years, upon learning of his heritage, they instantly despise him (thats later in the story). The beggining may have seemed a bit cliche, but when I do the re-write, I am going to change his father's name, and take out the part with the bully, or at least change it, so that it is less cliche. The fact of the matter is, the whole story is pretty uncliche, but the way I wrote the beggining just made it seem that way. If anyone wants some spoilers (not that anyone will be clamoring for them, after the lameness of my first draft) there is a thread on my latest campaign, that tells some more of the tale of Telathra. |
| SiriusBlack |
Posted - 27 May 2004 : 18:25:57
quote:
Originally posted by Telathra
By the way, whats the longest anyones ever stayed on this site, because I've been browsing and posting for about 16 hours now (well, I stayed on the site, and rotated between preparaion for my lastest campaign and being on this site)?
3 days I believe is the record although you have to keep dancing while browsing the forums. Old folks will get that joke, the young, will not.  |
| Telathra |
Posted - 27 May 2004 : 18:24:04
I won't be able to work on the story much tonight, I have to go to a party and DM the first adventure in my new campaign (Yay). I definitely could have done better on this story now that I think about it. I am on summer vacation from school, so I should have plenty of time to work on it. I have to say, you have all been very helpful, if sometimes a little mean (Winterfox). In my own defense, it was typed in about fifteen minutes, at around five thirty in the morning (DMs don't have time to sleep).
By the way, whats the longest anyones ever stayed on this site, because I've been browsing and posting for about 16 hours now (well, I stayed on the site, and rotated between preparaion for my lastest campaign and being on this site)? |
| SiriusBlack |
Posted - 27 May 2004 : 18:11:16
quote:
Originally posted by Sarelle
Quite. I believe you made some good points, Winterfox, but couldn't they have been made without the cynicism and the smart-ass comments? That is the sort of this that can crush an inexperienced writer (though I don't doubt Telathra is made of stronger stuff).
One thing to note. While others might have commented in another manner, Telathra opened the door to any/all type of critique with the "open to suggestions" remark.
A big plus to you Telathra if you are going to write further, you take criticism very well from what I've seen. That's a very good attribute to have.
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| Sarelle |
Posted - 27 May 2004 : 17:40:26
quote:
Originally posted by Bookwyrm
I don't mean I was going to coddle you, since you do need a lot of work -- it's just that I want to encourage you, not drive you away. (Winterfox, sorry, but you really need to work on that.)
Quite. I believe you made some good points, Winterfox, but couldn't they have been made without the cynicism and the smart-ass comments? That is the sort of this that can crush an inexperienced writer (though I don't doubt Telathra is made of stronger stuff).
Telathra -- I believe the pmain points about the story have been made. The plot isn't amazing, but it isn;t something you couldn't work off.
And a final point, not made before - the story has very little to do with the Forgotten Realms or even D&D in general. I personally have no problem with the odd FR character having real-world names that sound right (e.g. we're talking Gareth, not Norman), but Rebecca and David Mays do sound a bit like 'the couple next door', if you see what I mean (I think Rebecca works better than David). And Rainy Hills seems a bit nondescript, and some of the writing is quite modernised (not so much the words themselves, but the use of "Mommy" and "freak" spring to mind). And finally Telathra is a tiefling - if so, according to sourcebooks, he has innate evil in him. I don't doubt that a good upbringing might change that, but he should at leasts struggle with it - he has fiend-blood in his veins.
But, as I said - the story is not unsaveable (not a word, I know). The grammer and spelling are very good, and whilst you don't have a writing style, the prose doesn't have any 'errors'. You just need to consider it a bit more and give it a revamp. |
| aneama |
Posted - 27 May 2004 : 17:12:00
there is a large difference between it "sucking" and it needing improvement. re-draft and re-post. |
| Telathra |
Posted - 27 May 2004 : 16:53:28
  Now that i think about it, the characters really don't have any depth. So, i need to re-write, with more details and depth for the characters.
I think we've established that the first story kind of sucks, but does the basic plotline have any potential? |
| Bookwyrm |
Posted - 27 May 2004 : 15:27:50
Oh, don't hold back, Winterfox.  Show us how you realy feel.
Telathra, I had pretty much the same reaction as Winterfox did, though the review I was forming in my head was a bit . . . nicer, shall we say. I don't mean I was going to coddle you, since you do need a lot of work -- it's just that I want to encourage you, not drive you away. (Winterfox, sorry, but you really need to work on that.)
The last paragraph of her review, though, I agree with completely. This story is far to dry. There's no real life to it, to make the reader care about anyone in it -- even the boy.
My first suggestion is to work on your descriptions. Actually, that's my only suggestion at the moment, since everything else will follow pretty naturally. Try rewriting it, this time with things like the level of light in the room, the climate through the years, the emotions on the faces of the characters. All the sorts of things you'd see if this were a movie or TV show.
The point is to make the readers care about reading. If you can't hook the readers with every page, they're just going to put the story down and go on to something more interesting. |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 27 May 2004 : 13:37:13
The first part: uh, so you're starting off with the scene of a woman in labor -- and then you go on a tangent to describe the village and the family's financial status? I think such an info-dump would benefit from being omitted or placed elsewhere. It simply doesn't sit well with the urgency and the pain a childbirth would imply, and distracts the reader, as well.
I skimmed through, and one thing that keeps jumping out at me is the complete and utter lack of emotions. The characters couldn't be any flatter if they were made of a thin, thin sheet of cardboard. Combined, they all have the emotional depth of a tiny puddle. One possible remedy for this is to add more descriptions. Set up scenes. Give an atmosphere. Details, details. Take, for instance:
quote:
Rebecca held the boy, but the cold feeling in her stomach made her want to throw the babe away from her.
That's it?
The woman's just given birth to a child, and apparently, she and her husband have been wanting an offspring for a long time. So she looks at the baby and wants to throw him away? Doesn't she even feel a single instant of conflict? Doesn't she try to fight off the revulsion with some semblance of motherly love? Is she some kind of automaton?
The dialogue is so deadpanned, it's just impossible for me to have any interest in the characters, never mind the story. They don't show any human qualities. They seem like bad actors -- who are paid a disgustingly low salary or having a hangover/a bad hair day -- forced to recite a thoroughly prosaic script.
quote:
“Can I play with you guys?” asked the five-year old Telathra.
“No, you freak!” shouted the lead child. “We only play with normal kids.”
Though they hadn’t killed him, the villagers had passed on their stigma towards young Telathra to their own children.
“Please?”
“I said no,” said the child. Just as Telathra turned to leave, the lead child turned around and punched Telathra in the gut. Telathra crumpled onto the dirt path crying.
Oy. No offense, but this kind of "oh my, look at the kid, what a poor outcast he is" schtick is way overused, complete with the usual token bully. It's a big, big cliche, and the fact that, again, the narrative leaves much to be desired doesn't help. There's not enough emotions going around for me to empathize with the young Telathra. His being punched just makes me go, "Eh, so what? Get over it." There's nothing to convey his hurt or sense of not belonging. Telathra crumpled onto the dirt path crying. The grass is green. The sky is blue. The sun is bright. Statements like these are simply too matter-of-fact to evoke any response from me but eye-rolling.
quote:
That night, after dinner, Telathra walked up to his mother and said,” Mommy, can I ask you question?”
“Of course you can sweetie,” answered Rebecca. Though at first their son had disturbed them, they soon grew to love him, weirdness and all.
“Mommy, why do the other people hate me?” whispered Telathra as tears streamed down his face.
“Oh honey, come here,” said Rebecca.
There's the matter-of-fact statement again. The age-old advice applies: show, not tell. Don't tell me that his parents love him; show how and why. Do they buy/make him toys? How do they treat him? What endears him to them? Is it his easy nature, his quick wits, his mischievousness, or what?
The bit with Telathra reading what is no doubt Races of Faerun shoehorned into the story makes me wince. Ditto for when he sees his horns growing. It just lacks a certain something. Take--
quote:
The boy gave him the same feelings of unease, but it had taken them so long to have just this one baby, he didn’t want to lose it.
quote:
They were said to be smarter and faster than the average human, but they gave off an aura of uneasiness. They were also said to have horns. Telathra felt immediately relieved, for he had no horns.
quote:
“Why? I know I make some of them feel uneasy, but I thought that was just because of my intelligence.”
“No, son. You make even me feel uneasy. It is uncontrollable.”
I think I lost count of the times you used "unease" or "uneasy." (Yay, what subtle foreshadowing! Only not.) Secondly, Telathra sounds like a self-centered brat right here. "Intelligence"? Conceited much? Not only that, his father seems about as loving as a rusty iron maiden. So he tells his son, bluntly, that Telathra makes him feel uneasy. Just like that. Uhm, okay.
The... vignette seems to be told from an omniscient third-person point of view, which is fine. But the impression I get is that the narrator couldn't care less, and is rattling off the story with all the gusto of a sleepy, eighty-years-old historian wearing extremely thick glasses. Technically (grammar, punctuation, spelling), it is sound, but as a story, it doesn't do very much for me and utterly fails to capture my interest. There's no suspense, there's no humor, there's not even internal conflict in some details, there's nothing.
Of course, these are merely my thoughts. Take 'em or leave 'em as you will. |
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