| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Teflon |
Posted - 27 Dec 2003 : 07:29:08
I will finally get some sleep this night. He promised himself as he closed his eyes.
For the long and tiresome task of creating this pendant was finally finished. His dreams
this night would be of riches and gold, for he knew that when his master had seen the pendant he
had created he would surely be pleased.
In the small room he had just bought. Teflon waited patientily thinking about his next move.
He had been given the task of disposing one of the most dangerous wizards there had been in the north.
Fear was never a issue for him though. But betryal had always bothered him, he had found out from
one of his connects that as soon as his job was completed he was to be killied. How could
the man he had so trusted for many years do this to him. He thought to himself laying in the bed He was a man
who had many times been backstabbed by people and never really trusted anyone,but he was all to alert and they never got the best of him
But this was different though this was the man who took him in and trained him to be a
ruthless assassin. But his thoughts soon vanished when he heard a knocking on the door. On instinct
he reached for the dagger in his hip Room service he heard a voice say. He didnt remember ordering anything
of the like and was cautions. "Come in" he said in a low tone now with his dagger behind his back the door opened and a slender elven women
dressed in a light green robe, walked in carring a small tray of food. This is for you and also this
she handed him a rolled up parchment and set the food on the bed. Where did you get this Teflon replied,
a strange hooded man gave it to me said his name was Neilon He told me it was urgent
"Thank you" Teflon replied,
She nodded and left the room. At once he unrolled the parchment and glanced at it. "Ware your road Teflon
two halflings spy upon you and watch your every move",they will probably be the ones to make the hit".
Teflon smiled at the note and saying to himself I will kill the halflings, kill that wretched
wizard then deal with my master all in the same day, he smiled again happy with himself,"Thank you he whispered".
The apperentice now awake but still dreamy eyed saw his master dressed in a red robe and standing by by his walking staff
staring at him his face in anger. "Scalise he screamed"!!
You are late for your practices once again. Now awake Scalise replied "Sorry master but I was very busy last night
preparing a special suprise for you".A suprise the wizard asked with a now curious look.Yes I have a created
a magical item for you, a amulet of great power,with the teachings you gave me I have perfected it.Scalise now up
and going to his lab area where he had numerous potions and magical tomes.He pulled out the ruby pendant, "behold master
this is the ruby of charms", for with it I can change the way a person looks at things. "Foolish appertince replied the
wizard", now angry. I have no need of this item. "But master replied Scalise" it could be of great use to us for I know the Red Wizards
of Thay would glady want to have it. Enough of this he shot back at Scalise let us go for a walk. "Yes master" said Scalise very disappointed.
Gathering up the rest of his goods Teflon decided now was the time to make his move,It was still night outside and would
use it to his advantage,Calion his master had given instructions on where the wizard liked to go. Teflon dressed in
his normal outfit which consisted of a long black hood cloak and studded leather armor. And his most prized weapons
Shadow his dagger engraved at the hilt with magical runes and a poison that even the most toughest of men fell to and
Nights Grace his other dagger which could inflict damage to his victims while healing his own self.He headed off
toward his destination walking the shadows as if he was invisbile.
Part 2 coming later |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Ius |
Posted - 07 Mar 2004 : 03:32:55
quote:
Originally posted by Ius
quote:
Originally posted by Winterfox
Your formatting is a bit messy; your punctuation is way off; many of your sentences have structural problems, and your spelling could use some work. Some of your descriptions are confusing, and it's often hard to tell who is being addressed. Proofreading won't kill you, and it'll help make this piece a lot easier to read. For instance:
quote:
"It cant be! How!!" roared Scalise, As he felt the cold steel and
the gleam of the dagger at his throat. "Magic" replied Teflon calmly. Then he felt the ground rush up and then blackness.
Corrected:
quote:
"It can't be! How!" roared Scalise as he felt the cold steel and
the gleam of the dagger at his throat.
"Magic," replied Teflon calmly. Then he felt the ground rush up and then blackness.
Who is this "he" that "feels the ground rush up"? From what I gather, it's not Teflon. To avoid such confusion, don't use pronouns. Just use their names or a distinctive noun (i.e., the mage, the assassin, the elf).
I haven't really read the story itself. The big chunks of text (my eyes! Paragraph shortage!) are rather off-putting.
Whoa! You really finished this thread off!
But come on Winterfox! Ok, the replies were a bit overwhelmingly positive, but these threads are for amateurs, and though you might feel the urge to scorn this type of writing I think it is really beneath you to do so. This guy have obviously enjoyed his creation, and so have a number of other people. There is of course a lot to be said about the story; I think it had some obvious connections whith everybodys all time master assasin A. Entreri, and the discriptions are also pretty much "Salvatorian", but hey, who cares, really?
Aim your critique at bigger and more "worthy" targets (I think your reviews of Ed Greenwoods books were interesting, and very to the point on some issues).
|
| Ius |
Posted - 07 Mar 2004 : 03:28:33
quote:
Originally posted by Winterfox
Your formatting is a bit messy; your punctuation is way off; many of your sentences have structural problems, and your spelling could use some work. Some of your descriptions are confusing, and it's often hard to tell who is being addressed. Proofreading won't kill you, and it'll help make this piece a lot easier to read. For instance:
quote:
"It cant be! How!!" roared Scalise, As he felt the cold steel and
the gleam of the dagger at his throat. "Magic" replied Teflon calmly. Then he felt the ground rush up and then blackness.
Corrected:
quote:
"It can't be! How!" roared Scalise as he felt the cold steel and
the gleam of the dagger at his throat.
"Magic," replied Teflon calmly. Then he felt the ground rush up and then blackness.
Who is this "he" that "feels the ground rush up"? From what I gather, it's not Teflon. To avoid such confusion, don't use pronouns. Just use their names or a distinctive noun (i.e., the mage, the assassin, the elf).
I haven't really read the story itself. The big chunks of text (my eyes! Paragraph shortage!) are rather off-putting.
Whoa! You really finished this thread of!
But come on Winterfox! Ok, the replies were a bit overwhelmingly positive, but these threads are for amateurs, and though you might feel the urge to scorn this type of writing I think it is really beneath you to do so. This guy have obviously enjoyed his creation, and so have a number of other people. There is of course a lot to be said about the story; I think it had some obvious connections whith everybodys all time master assasin A. Entreri, and the discriptions are also pretty much "Salvatorian", but hey, who cares, really?
Aim your critique at bigger and more "worthy" targets (I think your reviews of Ed Greenwoods books were interesting, and very to the point on some issues). |
| Winterfox |
Posted - 07 Feb 2004 : 13:48:27
Your formatting is a bit messy; your punctuation is way off; many of your sentences have structural problems, and your spelling could use some work. Some of your descriptions are confusing, and it's often hard to tell who is being addressed. Proofreading won't kill you, and it'll help make this piece a lot easier to read. For instance:
quote:
"It cant be! How!!" roared Scalise, As he felt the cold steel and
the gleam of the dagger at his throat. "Magic" replied Teflon calmly. Then he felt the ground rush up and then blackness.
Corrected:
quote:
"It can't be! How!" roared Scalise as he felt the cold steel and
the gleam of the dagger at his throat.
"Magic," replied Teflon calmly. Then he felt the ground rush up and then blackness.
Who is this "he" that "feels the ground rush up"? From what I gather, it's not Teflon. To avoid such confusion, don't use pronouns. Just use their names or a distinctive noun (i.e., the mage, the assassin, the elf).
I haven't really read the story itself. The big chunks of text (my eyes! Paragraph shortage!) are rather off-putting. |
| Ezindir the dark |
Posted - 29 Jan 2004 : 15:20:20
Ever tought about doing it then?
Couse this was a story I could have bought. |
| Teflon |
Posted - 28 Jan 2004 : 22:46:14
I havent really wrote any books or anything of that sort, but I do spend at least 4 or 5 hours every other day writing up short stories for my d#d group. |
| Ezindir the dark |
Posted - 28 Jan 2004 : 22:10:18
Yes indeed, but if he is a writer that is.
Teflon: Have you published anything or do you have a side that contains written material? I tought it was a good story anyway, if it is finished that is. |
| Cyric |
Posted - 28 Jan 2004 : 17:48:22
Nice story dont worry about the foults i make maney of them to, You know Cyric is the god of assasins |
| Ezindir the dark |
Posted - 25 Jan 2004 : 21:27:04
Ahhh. Marveluss tale.
Are you perhaps a writer full-time?
But you should correct the grammatical errors. |
| Teflon |
Posted - 25 Jan 2004 : 20:07:54
Sitting in the corner of the room in the local tavern, Teflon
sat quietly. With his cowl pulled over his face to conceal
his identiny he was waiting. With his guildmaster dead he would travel to Amn
in search of a new guildmaster. The only thing now was go on
with the plan. There were only a few patrons this night, with a scheduled
performance of one the local bards. His guildmaster Larson vistied this place
very often, he loved the shows and especially he loved the women. He already had
in mind his escape route and a back-up plan in case this one went sour. This wouldnt
be easy, for Larson was often escorted with 2 battle mages, and 6 well armed captains
with license to kill. They had bribed the town guard into looking the other way
when a murder broke out. "The benfits of a guildmaster," Teflon thought. A few
minutes passed and just as expected, there was commontion outside. Guildmaster
Larson Brovinni had finally entered the Tarven.
As expected the battle mages were scanning the room for any potential threats.
Teflon using countering magic he had been taught, used it make it seem he wasnt
in the room at all. Larson was stting at the end of a long table where he was
facing the stage. Two guards flanked his sides 1 was at his back, and the others
were sitting. The perfomance started soon after with the bard weaving tales of
great dragons swooping down on villages and burning it down to the ground with one
great breathe. While giants would make there way down and consume the little children.
During the climax of the story,Teflon decided now was the time to make his move. He
knew Larson would be wrapped up in the tale to even think of a asassnation hit.
The bar maid, one that Teflon had paid and slept with moved over toward the back of
the guard flanking Larson and whispered in his ear. After a few moments the guards
moved from his position opening up a clear way to his backside. Teflon moved swiftly
to the spot. On cue his friend Cletuis shouted "The story is full of lies and for
that I will kill you!". As he finished the last words people start to shout
at him and bottles went a falling. Teflon spotted the opening, after throwing a
couple of people out of the way, Tef was finally at Larsons back, he whispered
"Revenge is so sweet Dear Larson". THe guildmaster instantly spun around and saw Teflon.
"You...You dare try", as the words left his mouth Larson looked down to find a dagger
pushed through his stomach. Pulling the dagger out of his former guildmasters stomach
Tef quickly dashed for the back exit. "Get him hes killed Larson", one of the battle
mages screamed. As Tef rushed through the back exit, he felt a persence off to the side,
Tef immediatly did a foward roll to dodge out the way of the arcing long sword.
Outside Teflon looked around quickly, looking for the mage who promised he would teleport
him back to his wizard chamber. Tef thought of using his own cloak to do that but reliazed
that his cloak of teleporting was only for short distances. "You traitor die!!", one of the
battle mages behind him roared. As Tef turned around he saw the mage in the mist of spell
casting. As tef turned to take flight, he felt his body being lift off the ground by a
giant green fist. The fist tightend around his ribs and held him up. Looking into his mind
Tef sought to find a dispell spell or something to get him out of this. He hadnt memriozed
any more of his defensive spells only offensive. Searching quickly Tef found a spell that
would surely be rid of this mage. Teflon was close to blackness now as the pain was
unbearable. He had to block out any wordly pains and focus on his spell casting. Teflon
looked up and saw the wizard in the mist of another spell with a evil grin on his face.
"Bst Vixst Canta!," Teflon roared. And his spell finally gave way as the spell summoned forth
two snapping fangs that circled around the wizards head and snapped on the back of his skull.
Blood rushed out the back of the wizards head and he fell to the ground. The giant green
hand dispelled and fell off Teflon. Shrugging away from falling into blackness. Teflon
go to one knee but quickly go up and turn around just in time to block the enemys long sword.
Badly hurt Teflon had no time to fight this veteran fighter head on. Parrying the
low low high combos his enemy was using, Teflon set in a defensive stance. Thursting
toward his midsection Teflon quickly sidesteppd the move and kicked at his enemys wrist.
From behind them Teflon saw orange smoke forming and relizaed it must be his wizard
friend. Teflon turned around and saw more swordsman running out of the tavern, murder
in there eyes. "Hurry Wizard," Teflon screamed as the smoke was rising but slowly. Teflon
quickly kicked the enemy in front of him in the groin and rushed toward the smoke. As
he was rushing a dagger caught him in the leg and another in the shoulder. The wizard
formed completly, he was dressed in a blue and black robe holding two wands in his hand.
Teflon dropped to his knees and the blackness overcame him. The wizard now begin
casting a wall of fire behind Teflon. And was rushing over towards Tef, grabbing him
up to one knee, the wizard begin casting his teleport. He was deep in focus and didnt
reliaze the arrow coming straight at him. when he opened his eyes he saw the arrow and then
he saw his own chamber.
Breathing a sigh of relief. The wizard quickly put Teflon on a bed and begin casting his
healing spells. It sure paid to be a wizard/cleric. After he was finished he saw Teflon
open his eyes, "You were late as usual Malfein," Teflon replied quietly. He looked behind
the wizard and saw the most beatiful elven maid he had ever seen, with her long auburn locks
and blue eyes. She was dressed in a long white gown covered with small gems that appeared
as stars. "As you can see I was busy," the old wizard replied calmy. "Now get some sleep
you need rest,". With that Teflon closed his eyes and fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning Teflon awoke to the smell of tea, shrewberry tea it was called. He looked
up and saw the elven maiden sitting beside him and the wizard sitting reading one his spell
books. "Have some dear," the elven maid said quietly. "Thanks you," Teflon replied.
"What will you do now," said Malfein as he turned to glance at Teflon. "Amn, i was thinking
of traveling there to visit with the shadow thieves," replied Teflon. "Amn hmm so far from
here would take at least a 5 or so months to travel there", replied Malfein. "Stay here
and I will teach you some things, you can be my appertince, what say you?," Malfein replied.
"Aye, then will you travl with to Amn afterwards?," replied Teflon. "Ha, if you can
manage all that I teach you will you stay here, then yes I will escort you to Amn", replied
the old wizard. Teflon smiled, it was going to a long time before he ever go to see Amn and
the famous Shadow Thieves.
|
| Cyric |
Posted - 21 Jan 2004 : 11:59:14
Me to  |
| Naroon Shimmerflow |
Posted - 15 Jan 2004 : 14:54:12
very good Teflon, you had me chewing my nails ther for a while.
I like the way you describes the combat scene and how you balance the different character up against each other.
i look forward to part III |
| Teflon |
Posted - 15 Jan 2004 : 01:02:34
From rooftop to rooftop the assassin leapt. Silent as death, plotting how he would dispose
of the bodies or simply just leave them there. Up ahead he spotted the two wizards, one with
the signature dragon on the back of his flowing red robe. Who might the other be? Surely
Magnus would be walking alone. Thinking nothing of it, Teflon looked for a ambush spot. They
were walking toward the wizardy guild. He would have to get to them before they got there.
Scaling down the rooftop Teflon spotted a perfect ambush spot, a dark alley with only a
narrow exit that led toward the the guild. Settling in position the assassin waitied.
"Master I sense a presence" Scalise said bluntly. Thinking of defensive spells he had learned
last night he sought to go into a chant. "Nonsense, no one would dare attack me here so close
to the guild", replied Magnus. As they walked down the alley Scalise senses went off widly.
"Your pride will be your downfall my master", Scalise thought to himself. Now going into a
silent chant he felt the stoneskin come across his body. "Who dares", screamed Magnus. Sure
enough he had been right. Right after he finished his spell a dark figured apperead behind
the wizard with a dagger at his throat. "You will not take me down fool assassin", roared
Magnus. But after the last word spilled from his mouth a blade cut him from ear to ear.
"The famous assasin Teflon Nesed, what a pleasure", replied Scalise. Confident that his
stoneskin would deflect any attacks. Sure enough a unseen dagger deflected off his face.
Out came Scalise's wand from beneath his folds. But Teflon trained by highly skilled
Generals and captains of very powerful assassin guilds, leaped for cover as the lighting
bolt blasted the ground. Teflon knowing that his weapons would prove useless agasint this
mage he seeked higher ground. Another lighting bolt blasted the ground, leaping with the
attack Teflon scaled back up the wall,seeking to use some of his own magics. "Get down
from there", screamed Scalise. Going into a quick movement with his hands and chanting
some arcane words he saw the stoneskin start to disappear. "Impressive, Your guildmaster
said you would prove a strong foe, a pity I must kill you", said Scalise.
It now made sense his guildmaster had wanted this one to kill him, after he had done his job.
How sweet his revenge would be, but first he would have to kill this one. As he thought,
He saw a arrow which appeared from thin air, appear from the wizard and sent in his general
direction with incredible speeds. Trying to dodge out the way the Asssassin tried to roll with
it, but the arrow prove to fast and hit him in his shoulder. In pain now, something he
hadnt felt in awhile. The assassin lifted the cloak around his body and then vanished.
"Ha the coward, come and fight me!!" screamed Scalise with growing confidence. "Hardly", came
the reply from behind. "It cant be! How!!" roared Scalise, As he felt the cold steel and
the gleam of the dagger at his throat. "Magic" replied Teflon calmly. Then he felt
the ground rush up and then blackness.
A few minutes afterward a old man dressed in tattered clothes came upon the scene of death.
The man started to run but was cut short as a blade ran his spine and kept his body shaking.
Shaking until his life force was gone from him. Now Teflon smiling as the energy of the
olds mads body went into his. He was replinshed and fully healed, and smiling at the body
of another victim. Now he went back into the shadows, headed back to his guild to take care
of some unfinished buisness.
Part 3 Next!! |
| Cyric |
Posted - 08 Jan 2004 : 17:31:22
Yes master Alaundo, i wil do thaT  |
| Naroon Shimmerflow |
Posted - 08 Jan 2004 : 07:43:50
Very good story Teflon (HAHA nice name...) i am realy looking forward to read the followup.
|
| Shadowlord |
Posted - 08 Jan 2004 : 00:34:07
Ah-hah! Even Alaundo agrees that your preaching is growing tiresome!!!!
Oh, and quite a good story Teflon, even if the quotation marks are a bit off.... |
| Alaundo |
Posted - 07 Jan 2004 : 23:19:07
quote:
Originally posted by Cyric
He shuld really be a whorshiper of Cyric.... But a great story
Well met
CYRIC!!  HOLD THY TONGUE, I will hear no more of this banter 
Now get on with your studies, those scrolls are piling up when youre so easily distracted by preaching your deity! |
| Cyric |
Posted - 07 Jan 2004 : 12:16:37
He shuld really be a whorshiper of Cyric.... But a great story |
| mr.lee |
Posted - 28 Dec 2003 : 00:31:26
oh, and by the way - love your name, teflon! haha |
| mr.lee |
Posted - 28 Dec 2003 : 00:30:14
now, now, dear Rad!!? I see you are a learned scribe and all ... but I'd advise you not to be so critical!! ... I believe someone might punish you most fiercly for it, one beautiful day...
well, honestly, the most common sense and way to critisise(how's that word spelled again?) with subtlety.... anything else, is absolutely rude! haha - just kidding with yeh, perhaps you gathered that by now .... 
happy new year |
| Lord Rad |
Posted - 27 Dec 2003 : 10:31:32
Very nice so far, Teflon 
Just one point though, your quotation marks have got a bit out or sync and are in the wrong places, especially in the second to last paragraph.
Looking forward to part 2 anyway |
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